This is Chapter 7 of "You Me and Apollo:  Hope Beyond Bipolar Disorder."  It talks very frankly but usefully about suicide.  If you are suicidal, please seek help. 

JD

Chapter 7 - "The Moon's Bay"

I don't want to write this chapter, but I feel it is important. In the 1940s, before the advent of modern medicine, more than 40% of people with Bipolar eventually committed suicide. Even today, the number of those who lose their lives to this disease is staggering.

All of us who have this Bipolar know "the dark hour." We are alone. We are afraid. We feel that the whole weight of the world rests upon us and we cannot carry it one step further. In that hour, above all other times, we must know that this is not what the world is truly like. The foreboding thoughts are not what we really think. The terrible weight and craving for darkness are not our thoughts. They are the products of changes in the frontal lobe of our brains, in the rate of neuron growth, in the shedding of the myelin sheath around our nerve cells. We are, in that dark hour, locked in a false prison built of thoughts produced by this disease - a disease that has altered the very function of our brains. If we die in that hour, the disease wins.

My darkest hour came on a beach in California. I'd taken one of my famous road trips, all the way from Kansas to the coast in three days, then spent a week cruising northern California. This time was different. I had been back and forth between depression and mixed episodes for six months. Although I beat around the California countryside for a week, my intent was clear. In the back of the car was a rifle I'd purchased especially for this occasion. I'd even bought an old junker car and left my more expensive one at home to be sold to cover the bills.

I don't know what day it was when I found the bay. It is somewhere North of Mendocino; a beautiful horseshoe bay with high cliff walls and a narrow outlet to the sea. I played around on the beach for a few hours. There were large lava rocks scattered here and there and a small scoop of a cave off to the right. I decided this would be the place.

I went into Mendocino and fiddled around that afternoon. I was wearing an

Other and I'm not sure what I was doing. I know I ate dinner at a restaurant attached to a hotel. I remember this because I had a flimsy internal debate about whether or not to skip the whole suicide thing and get a hotel room. I didn't have the money, not that it would have made a difference.

It was fairly late at night when I went back to the bay. I set myself up on a large rock, rifle in hand, suicide note in pocket. I didn't know about Apollo 13 then, so the significance of the bright moon shining directly overhead was lost on me. It was only a day or two from full. I could see kelp tops underwater. It was that bright.

I began to cry almost at once. I cried because the soul that is me was rebelling against the urge to die that was not me, an urge created by my disease. As I cried, the tears changed. From somewhere inside, a sense of determination appeared. I told myself, in spite of everything, I wasn't going to die. I gave myself permission to live. My tears of fear and sorrow became tears of relief and also grief for the part of life I'd already lost to the illness. Gradually, there came anger. If I didn't want to die what the hell was I doing on a beach in California with a gun? What was driving this?