Although I would not get into treatment until the next time I got seriously depressed, this was my first moment of awakening; a separation between me and the disease. This was the moment that gave me the power to seek help.

I don't remember falling asleep, but I woke up on that rock several hours later. It was cold and lava rocks are not very comfortable. My right ankle hurt where I had been lying on my foot. The moon was laying low over the sea and her reflection was like a sidewalk out to her. I didn't take that walk. I tore up the note, got in the car and started driving. I slept the rest of the night on a roadside somewhere else and had an uncooked frozen pizza for breakfast.

I don't know why I got the sudden will to live. Higher power? So I could later bring my daughter into the world? A little extra Vasoactive Peptide in the Cerebellum? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm alive. It's not my fault that I have this disease and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it kill me, or anyone else I can keep away from it.

I know that the real me has never wanted to kill himself. My suicidal thoughts were caused by a disease. Having pneumonia will make you cough. Having Bipolar makes you think about death. It's not you. It's the disease.

A lot of folks who are on the edge of suicide end up calling local law enforcement in order to prevent themselves from carrying through with ending their lives. Paramedics and police officers know the mental health supports that are available and can help you. If you are standing at the dark doorway and can't wait to call your doctor, local mental health clinic or a religious figure, put down this book and call 911 or the local emergency phone number. I want you to live. I can't bear to think that you would get this close to hope and not make it. If you need help, go get it right now.