Im just not sure what to expect from day to day when it comes to my moods. Ten years ago I leaned more towards depression w/very few manic episodes. Within the past year I started having the highest of highs, becoming very spiritual when I was manic, it seemed to last 2 to 3 months at a time w/about 5 straight days of depression in between. I wouldve have given that up for the world even w/the short depression episodes because I was happy 90% of the time. Now, within the past 2 months I seem to cycle a dozen times in a day, the slightest disturbance setting me off into a rage, my boyfriend usually my aggressive outlet which makes me hate myself even more. Ive started cutting myself more frequently, 3 times in the past 2 months to be exact...when before I'd go a whole year or more between cuts. Ive tried over 20 different meds in my life, most were anti-depressants which didnt work and since being diagnosed as bipolar I now know why. When I was in the care of a pyschiatrist, I was on sooooo many differents meds that I wasnt even myself anymore. I had no emotions, didnt write one poem in over a year! I am currently on Klonopin for my anger, which is relatively inexpensive, thank god because I dont have any insurance. I recently went to the doctor to try to find something to help w/the mood changes & my social anxiety disorder and was given a 3wk sample of Abilify and OMG IT WAS AMAZING....Until I found out it is $420 for a 30day supply...I WAS CRUSHED!!! I feel hopeless and scared to try to find another medication that MIGHT work because if you've played the medication game, you know how bad the side effects can be or how the drug sometimes only seems to make things worse. Ive just been feeling extremely down lately, wondering what's the point really, Ive always been like this & probably always will...wondering does the medication ever really help, have I ever really felt ok?? The one medication that made me feel somewhat normal I cant even afford. What a country we live in, huh? You'd think after 31yrs of life Id be used to feeling miserable, used to hurting those around me I love the most. I just want to be happy!!
I also have no health ins. I was forced to quit my job due to my health, but it didn't offer ins anyway. My husband's infrequent work does not have benefits. With our health we are on our own - could not afford our own. I have applied for Social Security disability. I've been told they always turn you down the first time or two. I have not had the manic highs you describe - have never hurt myself but have wanted to die and have actually felt so bad a couple times I thought I was dying until my doctor started trying meds. Seroquel was the worst and at $10 a day unacceptable. Sometimes I think the old tried and proven meds with generic counterparts are the best. I am now on Depakote and have been on Klonapin for years - when they just thought it was panic disorder. I hope you can get the help you need with your manic episodes. It's is unacceptable Americans cannot get health care as needed when they are ill - just by walking into an Emergency Room as "others can".
Thank you so much for your comment. Makes you feel a little less crazy when there are people out there who understand what you are going through. I have found a Mental Health facility that is based on your income. I have my 1st visit w/a therapist Monday so they can access what would benefit me the most & apparently they have a medication program as well. Its given me a little hope but I cant help but wait for the rug to be pulled out from under me. Thank you for the support & I wish you the best!!