On meds and on drugs

By birdbreather Saturday, March 21, 2009

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I seem to always be drawn back to this site when I am about to get worse or about to get better. When things get bad I have no time or patience for any kind of reading or writing and when things are good I try to avoid thinking about this illness and try to live for the day. For the last week or so I have had the strongest urge to get completely "F*#%D up" to take as many drugs as possible, to "kill my thoughts". I am not great at explaining it, I just don't want to think anymore. The more drugs I do the less I think and that feels really good. I have not gone off my meds....yet. I am still functioning, I have a job, I am working and as far as I can tell I am doing a good job. My family still loves me and wants to be around me. So why mess with that right? I don't know why. I have everything to lose and nothing to gain by following the urge and yet I follow it anyway. I haven't used in a long time and now I want to so badly. If I could go score more drugs right now I would but I am too drunk to drive and dealing with drug dealers can be such a hassle at this hour. Its like the meds just don't work anymore. I need something stronger, something more potent. Something that will kill my brain. Typing this right now is keeping me off the streets for now. But the urge will win it always does. I doubt this is going to end well. But the craving is so strong. Help.

A Cage, a Star, and my own Depression

Comments (10) | Add comment

amielee

3/21/09 3:23am

i know that you said that your meds are working, but did you think that they might not be taking care of all your symptoms, or you might not be taking enough? also i can understand the need to kill my thoughts, my drug of choice is alcohol. was recently diagnosed w/ bp2, but ive had it all my life and will be starting the meds soon,. its hard bc if your obsessive like i am then you wont stop thinking about it until you do it. my parents were alcoholics and im sure thats where i get it from. ive actually considered holding off on treatment bc i dont want to give up drinking. i think that you probably have so much going on that thats why mind is racing, maybe your meds are making you manic? if your not seeing a therapist i might suggest to that you can work on what ever is bugging you, i know the feeling of being overwhelmed by your thoughts. hope this answers your ?s and good luck, and stay strong.

tabby

3/21/09 10:45am

ah birdbreather I'm sorry to hear you are in such a state

I so utterly get wanting to "kill the thoughts"

OMG I so do

Just the other day I went searching for my hidden bottle of Rum

couldn't find it

guess when I was laid up recuperating from my car wreck

and other adults were tending to my house & moving furniture around

it was found and pitched

yet for several minutes I yearned & cried for that bottle

even now I'm thinking it and it's 10:41am on a Saturday morning

so, I so utterly get what you are talking about

I'm not proud of it and I'm not condoning it to me or anyone else

I'm just saying... I get it

depression and suicidal thoughts have moved in and took up home

I've been on a bottle and I've been hooked on the narcotics

Point is... neither your meds or mine are working up to steam right now

and I guess... I got to speak to the pdoc and get myself back on track

and you know... you've got to also

I don't want to go down that road, not really, again

it isn't helpful and it controls you in the end

wishing you luck birdbreather...

birdbreather

3/23/09 2:32am

Thanks tabby, amilee. My head is all sorts of weird right now, its hard to write a clear coherent thought. Please remember you are all champions. True champions.

-The Bird

birdbreather

3/23/09 2:50am

Not to imply that you had forgotten! your championship form, status, reputation. Your position as champions. If you would please wear large "C"'s on your shirts in the upper right corner this should eliminate much of this confusion in the future. I find it easier to keep track of all champions when they are wearing the appropriate clothing. Otherwise we might not realize or forget and I know you would not forget your championship "C". So please, in the future, where a "C". Because you are ,after all, true champions and no one can take that from you. Please don't take it for granted.

-THe BIrd

tabby

3/23/09 10:49am

I so don't deserve a "C" birdbreather

I'm fumbling around in this proverbial darkness just as everyone else

I just don't want to be lost in it, as I've feared for so long

and I just don't want anyone else who struggles to be either

this disorder is way too costly for those of us who struggle each day, each 24 new hours we are blessed with, and some of us have lost the will to fight it and have given up entirely and are no longer with us - all for a disorder that we have no blame for receiving truly in the light of day - that just inescapably for no known reason so far found... happens

there are days, I too, am so weary and desire nothing more but to just let go and go

so I so don't deserve the "C"

but I thank you for the sentiment all the same

we are survivors & fighters as long as we keep struggling and making it till the next morn.

lovemy bp son

4/14/09 5:15pm

I am a mother of a BP son who has also been dx with ADHD. Reading your message brought tears to my eyes. I cant imagine what it must be like. I know I cant. I only see the outside but I am there with him when he is fighting it. I wont give up on him EVER. Just reading your message gave me some new found strength and insight to help him. I get so tired and this is just what I needed to keep on keeping on. Remember everything happens for a reason. Thanks so much for sharing to help someone help someone else that is going through what you do. Keep fighting and remember who you are means so much to so many people.

birdbreather

4/15/09 1:38pm

I think its awesome you are so commited to helping your son. He definately needs you, even if he is being sneaky or non-cooperative. My mother died when I was 19 and I miss her terribly. My dad has never been there so my mom was all I had. He will listen to you, just try to be his ally make sure he knows your on his side. I read your sharepost and I can totally relate to what your son is going through. I never go to bed before 3 AM and it causes me all kinds of problems during the day. He is probably embarrased about the porn which is why he is hiding it from you. Who wants their mom to know about how much porn they are watching. Maybe one of his brothers could talk to him about it to at least find out why he is watching so much porn.

I am glad that my post helped you in some way. I am a mess and I know it, but your kind words made my day. Stay strong and remember how much your son needs you.

ctrygirl

4/18/09 9:30am

Hello there, I don't think we've corresponded on here yet and glad we've had the opportunity to...although i do wish it were under better conditions for you my dear.

I so understand that pull, that drive to get those thoughts out of the mind or become what I term comfortably numb to them...or to the environment that has triggered them...

There are so many times I have stumbled and fallen along this long and winding path of this disorder, yet we must incorporate that ever fabled hansel and gretel tale and leave ourselves some crumbs to find our way back to the clearing of all negativity and things that lure us in tempting us with peace of mind, solace, and basically numbness to the whirlwiind preparing to expand itself into a hurricane or tornado of thoughts

....I TOO have been lured just like the unsuspecting fish...when i least expected it or when it was least conducive to my healing or health....it seems that the attraction to such things is so strong at times we just succumb. But remember to stop before taking that first drink my dear and consider the ramifications of what COULD happen ...for mixed with alcohol and street drugs our meds are quite lethal...and I know you don't want to make things worse on yourself and that is just what happens to me.

I find that when i feel that magnetic pull and allow myself to be drawn by its ever increasing power...the next day I realize that I could have created a situation that would have wound me up in a hospital with those in charge of me that have NO IDEA what we as bps go through and take it as something it was not meant to be.....suicide......for mixing of the meds CAN lead to that unintentionally....and there we are....again stuck in the rock and the hard place....to self medicate and relieve our suffering and tormenting thoughts.....or to stay vigilant and determined to avoid the pull.

I am so sorry that you are going through this situation....I surely wish I had the answers I surely wish i could avoid the pull and gravitational movement that I too have taken at times in order to thwart the constant hum of my brain ...going from topic to topic,,,seeing things that aren't there, hearing voices that seem right beside me and AREN"T, or worse when I go tactile and even a hug or a supportive arm across my shoulder feels like a knockout punch to my skin...(I know that isn't something all bps experience but it is something that i personally deal with on and off occasionally and oh oh oh the desire emerges quite quickly to reach for anything that will stop it)....

I want you to know I am glad you came back to the site and are posting. Only through togetherness and support systems can we overcometh the ins and outs of this illness. This is a very bumpy pothole ridden path upon which we travel...yet we are NEVER alone, we are NEVER in this by ourselves....others understand, and if you are a spiritual person you know you are never alone in that aspect whatsoever, NEVER.

I so wish i could reach across the virtual miles and offer a hand of kindness, support and caring...for I do care about you regardless that we just met, I feel bps are just like that we empathize and understand each other and the details of the world far better than anyone seems to realize. Perhaps that is part of what makes us want to "escape" per say....we are very internalizing human beings who encompass so much around us and often don't even realize how it is affecting us until we feel that need for something to soothe away the mind whirl.

Please keep strong and avoid if possible the alcohol and i say that out of caring and compassion for your situation, I know it is so relieving, I know it is such an outlet to release ourselve at times but it is also LETHAL to us on meds

.....I don't want you to in anyway make your situation worse AND i so get what you are saying I can't reiterate that enough

....sometimes i feel like i need knee carshocks from the numerous times i have fallen and continue the walk forward only to fall once again.....but remember dear friend, it isn't how many times we fall...as long as we continue to get back up and go again......you can do it dear, you have such support here

...love to read more of your posts in the future and please keep us updated on how you are coping. Remember this you are a child of LIGHT and nothing can change that, not mass misperception, not judgement from others, not even the stigmas that come with this disorder....you can overcome I have complete and total faith in that for you.

I hope in some small way i have helped you through this time and hope that you are doing well!! Please update us on your situation and how you are doing....

a caring fellow bp,

ctrygirl

birdbreather

4/23/09 12:15am

Citygirl whats up baby!!!!!!!

I happily accept your virtual hand. I would extend my virtual hand but my virtual hand has a tendency to wander and grope and you wouldn't like that much. But I will give you a healthy hearty whats up.

I knew some one out there was feeling what Im feeling.

I am hanging in there. I am quite manic, flying high on very little sleep and talking like the micro-machine man. I am taking my meds but they are useless right now. Weed helps the most. But I still can't sleep the thoughts in my head travel so fast I can't keep them straight. I know this is going to come crashing down at any moment with out reason and its going to be rough. Stay strong Citygirl. I see a doctor on friday I am so overdue for a visit.

-The Bird

I see a new p-doc on friday so I am almost there. I definately need a med adjustment

ctrygirl

4/23/09 7:40am

Well HOWDY back,

Well friday is almost here honey hold on till then you can do it!!! AND insist on getting the meds you need to get through all your going through....I do suggest you write down all your going through to run the gammet of hurdles to your pdoc for its hard to remember especially when SLEEP DEPRIVED >...oh you are so singing my song, I went to college when yet undiagnosed and oh the mania raging...but accomplished the bachelors and then masters only to have COMPLETE BREAKDOWN afterwards and ended up having to quit my teaching job....so tread lightly and remember you may get through school, personal relationship problems, and all during mania but the fall is steep afterwards if you don't take care of your own health honey....be sure to let the pdoc have it all.....lay it out.....let them know you NEED help NOW NOW NOW!!!

Lots of luck and please let us know the results of the new pdoc , glad you are going to another one instead!!!
TAKE CARE!!!! THINKING OF YA!!!!! praying for you too dear

ctrygirl

On meds and on drugs

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