giving up is just too easy

Hi im a 21 year old male...from south africa..i know im still very young and have a lot ahead of me...but like evryone else here i got biopolar...and i get it bad i have a couple of things i like to add bout myself:.. first time im asking for help, i just cant go on hurting those i love... ive been a big fan of suicide since 6years old...ive lost enough to know by now i cant control the knife only the depth it goes into my skin...my parents are aware that im biopolar for one my moms also got it..an me and her share some similar things like when her grandfather died it took her 10 years to get over it...me i lost mine in 96*still not over him in fact evrytime i hear his name...i brake...i used to be an excessive drinker but found that alcohol only makes it worst a lot...ive been for counseling taken up in hospital but nothings changed for good...the worst is not me having it but seeing those around me in tears cos they cant help you...an dit hurts them as much as it does you believe me....i surpress my anger always have been and i need advice on this..i found that washing dishes relaxes me...i write poems and im a musician...i dont want to get pills cos i cant control the usage of pills i take...ive got  a job and currently study and ive barely got my head above water...ive been through a couple of jobs...i know wt i want to become...the same thing my mother is we share the same heart for this job TEACHER..i love kids and i love helping evryone around me ive never been one for myself...ive always faked a smile and hid a tear...from this world...i do have someone i love...but im afraid that im gonna end up hurting her if i dont get any help...or tht i'll destroy a kids life...i work as a security guard and have a big responssibillity i sleep 4 hours max...im always the happy looking one from outside but breaking and crying from in...this is one of my biggest challenges asking for help..so if anyone got advice or comments pls...im at a point where im just way to down low to stand up on myself...this time ive bruised my face...lost my pace, im hangin by a thread and looking down over the edge and thinking maybe 6 feet aint so far down...