giving up is just too easy

By Kira Saturday, May 23, 2009

- A
- A
- A

Hi im a 21 year old male...from south africa..i know im still very young and have a lot ahead of me...but like evryone else here i got biopolar...and i get it bad i have a couple of things i like to add bout myself:.. first time im asking for help, i just cant go on hurting those i love... ive been a big fan of suicide since 6years old...ive lost enough to know by now i cant control the knife only the depth it goes into my skin...my parents are aware that im biopolar for one my moms also got it..an me and her share some similar things like when her grandfather died it took her 10 years to get over it...me i lost mine in 96*still not over him in fact evrytime i hear his name...i brake...i used to be an excessive drinker but found that alcohol only makes it worst a lot...ive been for counseling taken up in hospital but nothings changed for good...the worst is not me having it but seeing those around me in tears cos they cant help you...an dit hurts them as much as it does you believe me....i surpress my anger always have been and i need advice on this..i found that washing dishes relaxes me...i write poems and im a musician...i dont want to get pills cos i cant control the usage of pills i take...ive got a job and currently study and ive barely got my head above water...ive been through a couple of jobs...i know wt i want to become...the same thing my mother is we share the same heart for this job TEACHER..i love kids and i love helping evryone around me ive never been one for myself...ive always faked a smile and hid a tear...from this world...i do have someone i love...but im afraid that im gonna end up hurting her if i dont get any help...or tht i'll destroy a kids life...i work as a security guard and have a big responssibillity i sleep 4 hours max...im always the happy looking one from outside but breaking and crying from in...this is one of my biggest challenges asking for help..so if anyone got advice or comments pls...im at a point where im just way to down low to stand up on myself...this time ive bruised my face...lost my pace, im hangin by a thread and looking down over the edge and thinking maybe 6 feet aint so far down...

Comments (18) | Add comment

knowthyself

5/23/09 12:12pm

Iam not sure why you said you cannot control the usage of pills you take. You seem to be capable of many other things and you would be able to do this. Treatment for Bipolar Disorder most often consits of evalution and diagnosis of the disorder, medication and therapy. This is the way to get relief from your symptoms.

Considering suicide is definitely a sign you need some help. If you really think about it and consider the feelings and the way it would affect those that love you, you will understand suicide is not going to give your loved ones relief. It will only cause them grief. Suicide is a selfiish act one does for themselves and rationalzes that it will be better for others. It is the ones that are left behind who have to live the rest of their lives in sorrow and possibly guilt, thinking they should have done something.

You should not lose hope that there can be many good days of your life ahead and you need to understand there is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. If you can make an appointment with a doctor, do so for yourself and the ones you love so you are better able to enjoy your life with them. If you do nothing, you will face the same situation you have been living with.

Mom of 7

8/13/09 10:21am

Suicide is a REAL feeling to those of us who have Bipolar and severe depression. The most ridiculous and ignorant thing to comment to someone who is having these feeling is to tell them it is a "selfish" act. The last thing we want to hear is more guilt for the way we feel. Speaking for myself, I understand the urge to take the pills if they are there in front of me or the thoughts of how to leave this pain behind me so my family doesn't have to endure it with me as well. The hurt that I see everyday in there eyes of wondering if I'm going to be "ok" is not tolerable and not acceptable for me. So with my feelings and there feelings in mind, yes I would just like to disappear and not wake up anymore. They can move with their life on as best they can from any mourning of death no matter the circumstances and I will not be in this mixed cycle of agony anymore.

tabby

5/23/09 10:44pm

So you refuse to take meds because you are afraid you won't be able to control yourself in the amount you take? Hmmm

Only... the meds and by taking them are going to get you where you say you'd like to be which is a teacher, helping others, and being there for the folks who you say you love most. The meds and perhaps some intensive therapy if that's available in your country.

The fact that you've come on a website asking for help is a good sign. Means you are attempting to reach out to someone somewhere BUT no one here on a website can physically assist you so.... you look for advice and the advice is to seek emergency help, get put on some type of medication and therapy treatment program.

Get your head back together in a good level place so that you are around for all the things you have yet to do and be - and for all the ones for whom you have yet to help - and for all the ones for whom you say you love and I'm certain without a doubt, love you back.

angelmarie62

5/28/09 9:27pm

i am bipolar I. i had initially had problems with complying with taking my medications as prescribed. of course they proved not to work as hoped and we would end up turning to a new medication. well to tell you the truth this didn't last long. i needed help. i wanted help. and realized that one of the ways the were trying to help me was through medication that i was not complying with. that had to change. i changed and things got better. not everything. it wasn't this magic cure. meds alone are not. but they are part of the help. i have learned that most people with bipolor need medication. it will take time to get use to taking the medicine. to remember taking meds, try taking meds with morning or evening meals or such. this will make taking meds easier. meds that need to be taken at bedtime, set-up a ritual as when you brush your teeth at night, etc. myself i take so many meds, fourteen different - five pyshc, nine for other conditions, requiring i must the need for a three times the day, seven day pills tray. there are many different pill trays available including travel sizes that you can use when you are gonna be away from home. depending upon you and how many pills you take, which pill tray would be best for you. i wish you the best and all the blessings.

with love,

angel marie

Hopeful mom

5/30/09 2:23pm

My son is 17 now. He had a Bipolar Depression episode that landed him in the hospital at 15. I can tell you that his illness nearly wrecked our family. It was a tough time. We were confused and worried and angry most of the time. Since his hospitalization, things have been getting better. A month in the hospital and another couple of months of therapy and medication management put him back on the road to us. His life is good now. He's going to high school, training to be a machinist, driving, and now looking for a part time job. He is happier. He is part of the family again. He found his music to be the perfect therapy. Singing and playing his electric guitar helps him keep a happy mood. He sees his psych nurse every 3 months (for medication management). He sees a therapist on an as needed basis. I asked him recently if he was glad he's still alive. He said he's so thankful that he got the help he needed. It's a whole new life for him. When you feel your life isn't worth living, you need to do what you can to see what it is you'd be giving up if you did leave. People love you and worry for you and depend on you. Do them a favor and seek help for yourself. There is life after depression.

Jeremy

6/ 8/09 6:48pm

You have so much to offer! Your in my prayers.

Jeremy

Fellow

6/12/09 4:59am

Dear Kira

Know that you're not alone in your suffering. There are many South Africans like you that suffer from BD - even the heriditary form like myself (female) and two of my male children. We KNOW the suicide thoughts, the death wishes, the unmeasurable, agonising depth of the deep black hole of depression, the debilitating aspect of it, the highs of feeling almighty, the sleepless creative splurges, the overwhelming experience of loneliness, of not being able to cope with the feeling and that the only way out of this excrutiating pain seems to be not to live any more ...

There is no way of surviving this illness without proper medication, regular visits to a reputable psychiatrist, a caring environment, self knowledge, an encompassing knowledge of the illness itself, recognising your triggers and dealing with them before they are activated, although very difficult to have empathy for your siblings/parent(s) who also suffer from the illness - after all, you are in the trenches with them and not one of you asked to suffer from BD ...

May there be light in your life soon.

BeeBallMeLin

7/ 6/09 10:36am

I suffer from Scizo-affective disorder and it makes me angry that I need Seroquel and Lamictal and Lexapro and it costs almost three hundred dollars a month. My psychiatrist gives me free samples but it still costs too much money. Seroquel has changed my life because my thoughts without the chemicals are jumbled up and it's hard to talk to someone because the voices in my head interfere. If I didn't have my medical insurance, I'd be in worse straits. I need to keep enough money to buy them.

Moonmaiden

7/ 6/09 1:40pm

There are a couple of medications that are available in injection form. You show up once a month for your injection and that is it. Maybe that would help, if one of them is appropriate.

I hope you are not afraid that medication will interfere with your creativity. Quite the opposite, it will help you in that department.

Dean812

7/20/09 7:00pm

I know I don't know you but we have much in common. I too have always been a fan of suicide over the feelings of being bi-polar that I have had since I was seven. (I had my first panic attack at 7 yrs old.) The first time I tried to blow my brains out only to have the self-paked bullet misfire. The second time I slit both my wrists and spent 4 months in a mental hospital, Third time I took a HUGE dose of heroin and woke up almost 2 days later.

It's hard to not want to die feeling like we do, but you just have to try and find something thats worth holding onto. Someone needs you and I'm sure you would leave such a huge hole in someones life if you left us.

Fight it my friend, fight it.

Butterfly

7/21/09 3:38am

Hi, I am also a South African and I too suffer from Bipolar. I had it for years and was treated incorrectly (medication) just for depression and this buggered up a whole lot of things in my personal life. About 2 years ago I was referred to a very nice psychiatrist who started working with me, spoke to me and started me on meds. It was a very long process to get me on the right meds, I had the worst headaches during that time and I felt ill most of the time. Although she wanted me to take time off work I refused, because work is my structure, it keeps me together. On weekends I would curl up in my bed and sleep. That is how it was for months, I had no social interaction, I could not handle being with people, although I am a social butterfly of note. But that was because I could consume so much alcohol and be the entertainer. The medication sorted out my constant need for alcohol, because I drank every single day of my life. I dont crave alchohol at all. I will have a drink socially, maybe 2 at the most. Other people have also learned to leave me alone and not solely depend on me to be the life of the party because that is how it always was and I felt responsible to be that - this has come to an end. My life is so much better after I started on the medication. I am no longer so emotional and out of sorts. The emotions I feel is not so deep and raw anymore. When people use to talk to me I would always feel I should defend myself all the time, like they're personally attacking me. This off course, was not like that, but in my mind, that was how it felt. Now it is like water off a duck's back. It's like my skin has grown thicker. I don't cry over nonsense anymore, I see things for what it is - I dont overreact over the smallest little thing anymore. DEATH - that was a big thing to me - I always just wanted to die, nothing mattered to me, although I have kids. When those thoughts come into my head, only I mattered and making an end to my suffering was all I could think of. These thoughts does come up now and again, but they are not that oftern and not as strong as they use to be, I can now think about it and later smile and say there is too much to live for. The only thing I regret is discovering the medication and help so late in life. If it was any earlier, my life would have been much better and less people would have been hurt by my actions. PLEASE go onto medication it is a whole new world out there and you will see life through different eyes. Good luck my fellow SA.

daphne

9/14/09 7:38pm

beautiful expressions-- keep 'em comin'

daphne

9/14/09 7:40pm

Butterfly, above words words are for you.........................Daphne

Butterfly

9/15/09 9:51am

Butterfly thanks you Daphne

Mom of 7

8/13/09 10:49am

I do understand your pain.... and I know the feeling of trying to reach out and not being able to feel better or get frustrated with the Mental Health system and how they deal with this difficult situation. I am a Bipolar rapid cycler with mixed episodes and this is when I become dangerous. And the reality of suicide is very real to me and as much of a fighter a I am in a positive way, it can also be as strong in a suicidal way.....

I have now recently been diagnosed with PTSD with recent memories of childhood sexual trauma which has literally thrown a knife into what I thought after 3 years, was finally getting a better understanding of, the Bipolar. These new memories had made me look at my whole life and what I have been protecting myself from all of my life, did end up happening to me and I am having a real hard time with that with panic attacks and dissociative episodes.

I do a lot of reading, I attend seminars, I'm involved with NAMI and DBSA, I have been in a clinical study, I see a Psychiatrist and a therapist once a week and I am compliant with medications but we have not found anything that works. In fact, I go into major depression when I use the typical "mood stabalizers" so we have used meds that have a secondary use as a mood stablaizers and still, nothing. So right now, I am on no meds, I am who I am.....

Suicide has always been in my head over the last 3 years and after being a high functioning, college educated, mother of 7, I realize the effects of this to my family but that does not help me feel any different. I still see there eyes looking at me with sadness...

I have realized that being handcuffed by police, put in mental hospitals has all been a traumatic reality of my Bipolar/PTSD and my personality and I put my walls up and that I wonder how do I continue? And, I still have menopause around the corner!

I am working on a mental health directive to help when I do cycle and at least I have some say on how I want to be treated so my family does not have to make a difficult decision knowing how I feel about the system. All of these attempts to help myself and reach out has made me realize there may never be an end to this fight and although I have always been a fighter, I think there is time to know when to stop the fight.....

CatRN

9/14/09 4:11pm

Hi hun. I am a 52 y.o. female who is a registered nurse and couldn't even admit to myself that I was bipolar till last year. I was living with my parents trying to help them in their old age as is what I do for a living with people I don't know so when they got too old and needed help, it only seemed natural. Was a big mistake. My father is bipolar also and I did not see that. I can tell it in other people for some reason parents mental disorders, they are very hard for someone so close to realize are even there. I suppose because he has always kept it hidden, never known what it was but knew his thoughts were too bad to let anyone know about. You are a little mroe fortunate that your mother has the diagnosis and you are already a step ahead because you know what you have. I still haven't gone to a doctor or actually even been diagnosed.

But the way you write and use your words, are so beautiful, touching and heartfelt, even if you don't think so, it is true.

If you find someone who says they love you, give them all the information you can on bipolar so they will know what they are up against, it is a leap of faith and you have to believe that there is someone out there stronger than your disease, that love can be strong enough to overcome the things you see in yourself that you believe are going to ruin everything. Get your butt into school and become a teacher. You are reaching out for help and that is the best step you can take but don't let it end here, and if one thing doesn't work, don't give up, just don't ever give up.

The hardest thing about this disease is people not understanding how we can seem to be one way but be so torn apart and ready to cry on the inside or scream or whatever. I've been married 30 years now and my husband has no idea I might be b.p. and when I try to share with him he always seems to dismiss me and my feelings and tells me to "just be like him and not care about this or that or whatever my problem is at the moment" that hurts the worst but for some reason I keep pulling myself up by my bootstraps and take one step to the next until suddently it is 30 years later and I've already been everything I've ever wanted to be, done everything I've ever wanted to do, even though, inside I feel like I "fooled" everyone and "acted" like a normal person long enough to get all this done, but it isn't true. Everyone, bipolar or not feels like that, but it is the bipolar part that gives you the creativity to write the wonderful way that you do and increases the art part of your brain.

Please keep at it, when things go downward, reach out for help somewhere, anywhere, resist that urge, you know the one, and it will pass, when you get older, I swear somehow it gets easier.

I don't know how else to explain it but that's how it was for me, and I see myself in you 30 years ago, good things are going to happen to you and I can almost promise you this.

I will pray for you, please pray for me.

Thank you for putting your story out there.

CatRN

daphne

9/14/09 7:12pm

my heart's out to you, man --- it breaks to know the pain you're in. Daphne

Anonymous

12/ 6/09 12:25am

Hi I am bipolar also.I wonder if You have knowledge of how much diet can affect Your mood.Also natural things like amino acids and magnesium,fish oil,folic acid can help.Anyway I believe You are a good man and You can feel better.Don't give up I feel You Will have a happy life.Hugs R

giving up is just too easy

Ask a Question