The hardest image to get out of my head was that of my little brother snuggling up close just before sleeping on my floor it was Christmas eve of course where else would he be we had to go to sleep quick so Santa could come but as with every year for as long as I can remember we shared the important things in life like Christmas and birthdays, we are practically twins after all.
Flashes of many other images flashed through those tightly closed eyes of all my family that I held close to my heart of all the people in my life that have been influential and those that I had saved from there own monsters also and then finally an image that I had been blocking out squeezed its way through an image of what I had always dreamt of since I was a little girl , a beautiful family of my own, my husband or at least that's what he was meant to be until recently no who knows I don't think even he does.
My heart broke just that little more at my failed dreams just what I needed to let go of the monster and let him win, and with that I pushed the cold steel into my skin and as quickly as I did a little film clip played in my head my parents and my fiancés broken hearts what was I thinking I had made them a promise and I don't break promises I never do, and the sweet words of my little brother crying reaching out from the depths of his heart the last time I even came close to letting the monster win, ‘I love you Jessie and I'm always here for you, you know I don't know what I would do without you your my hero you know ,one of the strongest people alive and I look up to you be safe I love you' if only he knew he was my hero , my glue and how much I looked up to him only eighteen and already a man with a heart of gold and compassion and he honestly would do anything for anyone given the chance. It was this that made me let go , not push deep enough and to crumble into a heap on the floor crying like a baby facing the monster head on once more trapping him within with each sob pushing him deeper and deeper.
Daddy, I did something stupid a sobbing voice I barely recognized blurted to the voice on the other end of the phone. Shock set in to both me and my father a rush of emotions came all crashing together, physically I knew I was ok nothing major damaged that I couldn't fix myself but emotionally I was destroyed as I cried to my daddy reassuring him I was ok we cried together just for a moment and he promised that everything would be ok he would fix things anything for his little girl nothing was too much. Once I was calm he called my brother to come check on me as he was in Queensland and couldn't come himself, only ten minutes passed and then both my brother and my mum turned up shocked tired and cranky.
The reaction I got from my mother made me question as to why she was even here and then anger filled my head ,why bother coming just to yell didn't she know I just needed to feel loved and wanted if only for a minute. My little brother made the red steam disappear with just a simple hug , a hug only that can be shared between siblings a special hug saying a million things without saying a single word, it was not until he did this was I willing to even speak to my mum and yet once I started I blurted out the whole thing , well almost , you see mum keeps telling me that my bipolar is ok that my medicine controls my monster but me I'm not so sure ....
