Time out

By Rusty Monday, June 30, 2008

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It has been quite a while since my last share post. My partner who has bipolar was in the middle of an episode then ( Easter) which I saw coming but was powerless to stop. He has been diagnosed for 12 months and in treatment. I think he was coping better with his illness....the trouble was that I wasn't. I found that I was becoming more and more sensitive to it and this meant it was taking more and more out of me. I asked if I could go to his pdoc with him....he said "No, its not necessary". He would go to the doc and tell him everything was "okay, fine, improving" The trouble was it wasn't. The only difference perhaps that the episodes where shorter but for me recovering from them was longer. He was not taking medication and using only "mindfulness" techniques.

I have agonised over this relationship. I have read books, articles, joined online support, had counselling through ARAFI ( relatives and friends of the mentally ill). I felt I had nowhere else to go. Ultimately he was not taking responsibility for the illness although he "said" all the right things and was very convincing. I can no longer be in a relationship with him as his partner. I have had a long talk with him. I can help him better as his friend because as partners, lovers it was damaging and too hurtful.Being the first in the line of fire of the one you love does not bode well for a long term relationship as a couple. And so we remain friends.I miss him, especially the fun side, but now I have had some time to reflect I realise that it is better this way. I have not deserted him but have changed the way we interact now. Thankyou everyone for your advice, your insight and for helping me to try to understand this illness. I feel disappointed in myself that I was not strong enough to bear this even with your help. I wished for a miracle. Eric you helped me to understand..."there are no magic pills". I had to let him go because I love him and because I have to preserve myself. He needs to learn to manage this illness and to take responsibility for it. I can't do that for him as much as I wish I could. I hope he can learn to manage it....I really do and I will catch him if he falls but not as his partner...as his friend.. Rusty

Comments (10) | Add comment

HeyJude

6/30/08 8:31am

Rusty...You have been faced with some very difficult choices - I believe you are wise in your decisions. To remain friends is always beneficial to both partners.

Your partner, as a bipolar, has to stand up and take responsibility for his illness. Obviously from your sharepost, he has not been doing so. A bipolar that is irresponsible is a very difficult one to live with.

You mention "mindfulness" - I understand the concept, but don't really know how it works.

Hope you can remain friends, and who knows, one day, when your ex-partner gets his life and his bipolarness on track.....

Judy

tabby

6/30/08 9:59am

"mindfulness" is a form of coping skill or skills learned through differing types of therapy genres, like DBT

it's focusing on the "here and now" and not what is going on all around you mainly, as I understand it.

for example, if you are having anxiety or agitation you are to stop & focus on what is going on literally at that moment like "I'm breathing, air is cool, sun is shining, etc..." or, if chaos is ensuing and negative intrusive thoughts are coming, you are to change those thoughts (in your mind) to "realistic" positive thoughts. Or, in tense situations - how to deflect without absorbing, etc...

it helps to some degree however, I don't know if it does solely on it's own without some form of individualized therapy going on as well as perhaps meds.

not all with Bipolar require meds but perhaps Rusty's partner is in denial by thinking his form doesn't when perhaps it needs them. if he is practicing "mindfulness" then he has had some form of structured therapy somewhere but perhaps a med or two in combo wouldn't hurt, in this case.

HeyJude

6/30/08 10:23am

Tabby...Thanks for all the good information. Now that you mention DBT's, I have a couple friends that have been thru this program. It has really been life-changing for them. Recovery programs are working for lots of folks. And teaching "mindfulness" is probably a big part of it.

Was wondering if there might be a book out there on the subject. Probably is, I'm not sure how to find one. Thank you again.

Judy

Rusty

7/ 1/08 4:02am

Thankyou Judy, for being positive in what I see as my own failure. Thankyou for supporting and not judging me. My best wishes go with you. I will post again in a little while to check in and say "hi" to everyone here.

Rusty

7/ 1/08 4:04am

Hey Tab.

Its good to hear your "voice" you seem to be better than last time I heard from you online. Thanks for your support. Its now up to him. I hope he can do it. I really do.

My best wishes

Rusty

Hopeful mom

6/30/08 1:43pm

I was just thinking about you last week because I haven't seen you in awhile. I kind of had a feeling you were either out of the relationship or he made 100 percent turn around. I applaud you for having the strength to take care of yourself. Not only did you do what was right for you, I think ultimately it will be what's right for him. It forces him to look at what he's lost due to his episodes and to make the choice to improve his life. I hope you'll stop in every now and then and let us know how you're doing.

Take care.

Rusty

7/ 1/08 4:09am

Hey HM,

Good to hear your "voice". Yes its been a long hard road but ultimately he needs to journey on his own. Maybe one day our roads will meet again. Who knows! It has been hard. My kids adore him but they have also seen the downside of bipolar and know that it can be difficult to live with.

I so hope you had a great holiday in South America and that everything went well. It sounds like your son is doing well. Thanks for your support as always. I will check in on everyone here from time to time to let them know how things are going. Warm wishes for everything good for you. Rusty

Apple

7/ 7/08 1:45pm

I found your comment via google search. I have been married for 20 years and my husband was diagnosed with bipolar 5 years ago. He has had many manic episodes that has left our kids and I with much devastation emotionally, physically and financially. He had a manic episode earlier this year and currently in the hospital again with another episode. I'm faced today with the decision of staying or leaving. We've had several conversations and discussions when he is well with him being accountable and responsible for his illness. I believe that although he is taking his meds he is still in constant denial and finding new ways of "curing" himself through drugs, self help, etc. I am now at a point where our boys have asked that I consider separating with him as the episodes are becoming more frequent and more severe. Part of me is hesitant since I feel like I'm abandoning him when he needs us most. However, a part of me feels like he needs to understand the consequences of not accepting and taking responsibility of his illness. I've forgiven him for numerous infidelities, gotten us out of numerous financial situations and have stood by him for the past five years. However now I'm concerned about my mental health and well being and that of our kids.

Having read your comments gives me great hope and courage to do what I know I should've done long ago. I believe that I can be a better support as a "friend" rather than as a wife. Thank you again for your comment.

Rusty

7/ 7/08 10:02pm

It is not easy....you need to pick the right time well to tell him. If he allows you to go to the pdoc with him it might be a good idea to talk to the doc about how to go about it. My partner had actually been away on holiday and was feeling okay. I explained why I could no longer have a relationship with him as his partner...and made it clear that my door was always open to him as a friend. He could see my children whenever he wanted. It was a bit easier for us because we have separate residences. You will probably need to support him to find other accommodation and get on his feet. Then it should be easier. This will help him to realise you are not abandoning him. You MUST preserve yourself and the children in all this. It is wonderful that your children support your decision to separate. They obviously see how much it all takes out of you. Mark and I still communicate, mostly via text message and email. He drops in for a cup of tea occasionally. I have taken great effort to keep this amicable and open. He said to me after we talked "You know I didn't think I could be your friend but I think I can and I think it will be okay." He talked to his doc and sent me a text this week which said "I understand x". I hope this change will help him to understand his illness and to make the changes he needs ... learning to accept responsibility for it. I will be thinking of you during all this and send you my prayers. I know right now you probably feel you don't have the strength to make this step because you have been through such a lot....you will find it. Try to just get through one day at a time and not look too far into the future. Be good to yourself. eat well, get plenty of sleep and try to have a walk in the sun. Things will get better and everything will be okay. You are not abandoning him. You are helping him to accept his illness and take responsibility and you are preserving yourself and your children. You have a right to a life too. There is nothing in that to feel guilty about. Best wishes, Rusty

Apple

7/ 8/08 10:44am

I appreciate the prayer and encouragement Rusty. I'll keep you posted...

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