I'm new here, lost, and having a terrible day

By marsha Monday, April 13, 2009

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Did you take your meds? It's a question that I hear every single night. My usual answer: "Oh yeah. I will." Then I pull out my 7-day pill box and swallow down my med cocktail, consisting of six pills combining four different types of meds.

I'm not crazy. But if I don't take these pills, I can't function well. It's as simple as that. If I forget to take one or more pills, my brain tells me about it within a few hours in its own rude way. Yeah, that's what it is: my brain is a meanie. It's all my brain's fault. If my brain could only balance its chemicals on its own, then none of this would be necessary.

The pills run my life. I can't miss them for even one day. I've endured numerous side effects and even allergic reactions. I can only drink alcohol "once or twice a month" (I can hear my doctor's voice saying it every session). They've caused me to gain weight. They cause heartburn and nausea at times. There are even times when I feel like I'm going through life completely drugged into oblivion, like a robot without worries and lacking raw emotion. Because that is what my meds do: tame my anxiety and emotions. With all of above in mind, my pills save me from pain. And side effects win over the pain by a landslide in my book.

I have bipolar disorder (BP) with rotating hypomanic and depressive episodes. And I've been hit by the comorbidity of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). And it sucks. And I'm having a bad day.

Who is selfish?

Comments (11) | Add comment

Robin

4/13/09 7:28pm

I'm sorry your having a bad day. I'm Robin. And I am not bipolar. But my wonderful husband is unfortunately bipolar type 2. I've listened to a lot of speeches just like yours. The fog, and "Did you take your meds darling" and of inevitable realization that every single day these meds make it better, even though the side effects do suck.

Sometimes though, you just have to voice it. I do hope your feeling better. And I hope if nothing else, A smile will be a small light in your otherwise dark day.

Blessed Be,

Robin

marsha

4/13/09 8:00pm

Thanks so much. Validation really does help!

lola

4/14/09 9:43am

am not bp but my Bf is and we live together and is funny but i was in the phone with him asking him why he didnt told me that he dosent have anymore meds at home (hes mother keep control of them) and we are on our 30's i know is weird but thats the way it is but anyway all I want to say is that I hope your feel better by now and there is many ppl even the ones you dont know who cares about you and you feelings cheers dear all the best in your day.

marsha

4/14/09 12:23pm

Thanks so much Lola. I've decided that I really like this website. I am feeling a bit better. Meds are so hard to live with! Thanks again, Marsha www.didyoutakeyourmeds.com

nonethewiser

4/14/09 1:28pm

Hi Marsha..I too am sorry that you are having such a terrible time with you med's. Can I ask you a question? You didn's mention what med's you are taking. I take 6 pills each day. Four of them are at bedtime, and one when I get up, and one around 4p.m. I was just wondering if you talked to your PDoctor about taking some in the a.m. and in the afternoon. Now if he is able to do this, I'll let you know it's like starting all anew. Your body will have to adjust to being medicated all over again. I am very grateful that my husband asks if I have taken my day med's. This is because I have asked him too. I also bought one of those day calendars that will stick to my fridge where I can keep track of my doses. I hope that you are able to talk to your PD about changing your schedule...good luck to you...heres another smile for you

marsha

4/14/09 2:25pm

Hi Marie,

I currently take Lithium, Prozac, Lamictal, and Xanax every night. I've tried to take a few pills in the morning but found that I would be sleepy and tired for the rest of the day (those are side effects that never go away for me). So I take them all at night with the exception of xanax which I can take anytime I need it (no side effects with xanax for me). I love my hubby for reminding me nightly but whenever I hear those words "did you take your meds", I feel imprisoned. It's not his fault at all. I guess I've just been going through a bad spell. What meds are you on?

Marsha

my new blog: www.didyoutakeyourmeds.com

nonethewiser

4/14/09 6:54pm

WOW! Lithium, Prozac,Lamictal and Xanax. Just curious, why are you Prozac? That is a anti-depressant. Those normally don't work well on bipolars. Is this doctor just pushing med's on you? and not treating you and your symptons? If so, sounds like you need to go shopping for a new doctor. When I was on Lithium I would go toxic on it about once a year, sometimes more. Signs of being toxic is shakes both inward and outward. Not being able to concentrate, nausea, vomiting, I also would pace, because I couldn't sit down or sleep, because of the being toxic. When talking meds during the day..the sleepy and tired feelings will take about a month for your body to adjust to it, sometimes longers. Which is a pain in the rear. Another curious question. Why are you on Xanax? I use to take Lithium, infact I took it for 10 years, but as the years went by I would go toxic more frequently. Plus because of having to have blood test every month left me with no veins for blood test. Are you having your blood tested every month or atleast every two months? So when I had to have surgery on my shoulder I had to stop taking it two weeks ahead of time, so I could be weaned off of it, cause you can't go cold turkey. So after the surgery the Doctor tried me out on Lamictal..which I had to stop the next day, because I starting developing StevensJonhstons Syndrome. I do hope that your Doctor explained to you that this is a dangerous side effect. If not, I would demand that he or she explain it to you now!! I take both Trileptal 2400mgs ( which is a high dose, but it is what I need for my bipolar) and Seroquel 600mg. I think you should ask John some questions to see what he thinks of all these med's you take. I may have only been coming to this site for about a month. But he has my respect completely. I would also reccommend you read his book that he has written. Living Well With Depression and Bipolar Disorder. by John McManamy. I just got it in the mail today..and it is an amazing book. You can get it through Amazon.com and a used copy for just a few dollars...sorry John..lol, but I also bought a copy of it for a friend. Another question...Are you educating yourself on being Bipolar? It's important to take an active part in the illness. You can't just depend on the Med's. Med's can only do so much. You have to except that you have this Disorder, and then work on helping yourself. Keep a journal of your symptons. Write down when you take your med's, this is a way to take control back and give your husband a break. By keeping a Journal you will be able to take some controll back from this Disorder. By writing this down, you will see how much better you will starting feeling. Here's a big tip for you if you have the need to go shopping and spending money you don't have, only to have to turn around and take it all back, or having to feel guilty and trying to explaing it to your husband. When you have the need to spend money on things you don't need...go to Target or Walmart..get yourself a shopping cart and go up and down every isle and put any and everything in it, things you think you can't live without..and keep feeling carts up until the feeling pass's. By the time you're done, you should be able to walk out with out buying anything. Don't feel bad for doing this to the store, because I look at it as job security for someone that works there. I do this everytime I feel like I have cabin fever. I have been doing these things for over 16 years now, because of finally being diagnosied correctly wiht Bipolar Disorder. I hope that some of the things I've written here will be helpful for you and your husband..but please write to John and ask him questions . I will pray for you and your husband, as I pray for all who suffer from Bipolar Disorder every day.

marsha

4/14/09 7:35pm

Yes, I am on Lithium (just added to regimen late last year), Prozac (because I had an allergic reaction to almost all other antidepressants and have had huge depressive episodes), Lamictal (which I've been on for about 2 yrs now), and Xanax is for my Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). However, my pdoc upped my Lithium dosage and she said that if this worked on the hindering the depression, then I can stop taking the Prozac (which used to work but now doesn't). I have tried so many different medications in the years gone by and still haven't found one that is consistently effective. I have entered treatment programs and counseling sessions that I haven't been successful at. Thought-stopping and visualization strategies don't seem to work well with my complex nuerons! I have joined bipolar support online chat groups where I've felt out of place. I am doing all of this while raising three children and working full-time. And at times, I feel like I'm going to pass out with exhaustion from both daily life and trying to hide my symptoms from the "normal" world. I love my manic episodes because I get everything done..and done efficiently and quickly and I feel great. At the same time, I'm like a ticking time bomb with my moods, irritable and sensitive, sometimes scared, sometimes fearless. Thank you for your advice. It really helps to get as much support as possible when I've tried to deal with this alone for so long. I have started my daily journal online in the form of my blog. I hope that helps too. Thanks again. =)

tabby

4/16/09 2:12pm

Read the comments from the others

I was going to comment a few days ago but thought to wait a bit...

You are on the typical Bipolar cocktail combination. An anti-depressant (Prozac), mood stabilizer (Lithium), tranquilizer (Xanax), and a combo stabilizer w/anti-depressant (Lamictal). Although, I don't see a anti-psychotic (ie., Seroquel, Risperdal, Abilify, etc..) in the mix. Often times, an anti-psychotic is thrown in for good measure as well.

ADs, most of them, have the potential side effect of making one with Bipolar depressed, depression worsen, or send one soaring into mania symptoms. For this reason, most pdocs nowadays don't prescribe ADs to folks with Bipolar.

Even Xanax (and other tranqs) can and often cause depression symptoms and Lithium - at least for me - causes lethargy and apathy to the point where I feel so sluggish and non motivated that my suicidal ideations actually increase (I take it for suicidal ideation & to keep the mania at bay).

Talking with your pdoc about them (symptoms) would be probably helpful. It could really be side effect related or with the stress of life (environmental) added in... could be making the meds not work as well.

Also, it goes to show that even on meds... most of us who have the disorder will still have episodes. Often times they are environmentally triggered, sometimes it is pharmaceutically generated (med side effects), and sometimes it's just the disorder's natural flow breaking through the pharmaceutical muck.

By the way... when someone is on so many meds, at high dosages, that even missing one or two of them for 1 day or being late on taking them causes "symptoms" or issues... I call it "brain muck".

Meaning, your brain is pretty much working and subsisting on the pharmaceutical muck that is flowing within and around it that when the volume level is disrupted even slightly... you feel the affects and effects pretty quickly and intensely. It's highly tuned to the meds and when you take them and how much is in there all the time.

Still, like so many of us - you unfortunately have bad days and I'm sorry.

I do hope that it eases off for you soon.

Peace!

marsha

4/16/09 2:38pm

My dr says I am one of the most difficult cases she's had when it comes to finding the perfect med combo. I've tried Abilify and it gave me restless leg syndrome. Depakote only worked for a while. Same for Risperdal. She was concerned about my deep depressions which were getting worse so she put me on prozac which does not seem to help at all but I'm too afraid to stop taking it, in fear of triggering a depression. Wellbutrin made me nauseated for 2 wks straight. Xanax has been my hero in the past (due to my GAD). Right now I'm focused on my Lamictal and Lithium combo (dosages recently upped) because it seems to be working...for now. *crossing fingers.

tabby

4/17/09 8:39am

Oh sug.. I've had docs tell me I'm a doc's worst nightmare when it comes to meds therapy for anything... I have such a high med sensitivity issue so I completely get what you are speaking of

Abilify gave me the gold fish puckering, knee jerking, and my arm jerked violently. Not to mention, it made my eyelids itch and burn and my face prickle.

I'm new here, lost, and having a terrible day

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