I was on disability a few months ago. When the "episode" passed, and I started to feel better, it was darn wonderful to be there for my kids. Dinners were ready on the table, laundry folded, house neatly organized. And I had the opportunity to help my son with homework and extracurricular activities without rushing and without the stress and exhaustion that arises from working all day.
Well, I went back to work. Yup. I did. And yesterday I found out that my son has failed many a spelling tests since then. Why? Because I have to pick and choose what I'm going to help him with after I get home from work. I work a freakin 10-hour day and then I rush everything at home at night. I help people at work all day and I can't even freakin help my son. Pardon my French. I'm just so upset about this. I can't help but despise the career that I worked so hard to attain. I can't help but despise the mortgage that nearly doubled last year, and gave me no choice but to work despite my illness, despite my sensitivities to stress, despite my tendencies to overwhelm myself with responsibilities that no human can ever tackle without super powers. I despise my boss that denied my request for less work hours. How selfish is she? I despise the clients that come in to their appointments with me when I'm having an episode, and look at me as if I am going to cure them of their problems, constantly pressuring me to find a solution for them when I can't even find a solution for myself. How selfish are they?
And do I feel extreme guilt for despising all these things that other people would do anything to have? Yes. But darnit...I can't do this. I'm too sick, too medicated, and too darn overwhelmed. How can I be a real mommy like this?
www.didyoutakeyourmeds.com
How can you be a real mommy when you work all day, rush home, whirl about the house, and also try to manage a illness?
One tick at a time, like life. Each morning, when we open our eyes, we are only given that moment and not guaranteed the next tick on the clock. It's one minute at a time, one day at a time if we are lucky to live through the day.
When I work (cause I'm unemployed at the moment due to a layoff), I am medicated. I have all my assorted medical issues including Bipolar to contend with everyday. I have no one to help me in the day to day functions. I am my own person and I'm a single parent. I work and hope to return again soon.
Why? Because I have no other means or resources to take over that part of what work brings - money. I'm barely making it now on the Unemployment because it is utterly low due to a period of time where I was out of work due to a car accident. Yet, I do not qualify for Medicaid - though my daughter does Thanks Be!
So, I sit here with no job, little income, no insurance, a mortgage, bills, and still have to feed, clothe, and house my child. So, I have to return to work and if I can find work, I will. In doing so, I will be working full time there and full time here and I will get episodic and hate folks around me who can sit at home and collect disability checks while I'm out working my ass off to bring in money & dealing with my symptoms & taking the meds.
See... I hate folks too when I'm stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted, and just fed up with life. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence or at least it always appears to be from a distance on this side.
Yet, I live my life the best I can each & every minute because that is all we have - minutes. We aren't guaranteed or assured of the next tick. Most days it feels horrendous to know that I'm merely living tick by tick, instead of living. Yet, that's all I got - tick by tick by tick.
So, you will be a mommy and you'll be an employee and you'll do this one tick at a time, to the best of your ability. If you just simply can't any longer, and you've got means and resources to cover you while you wait for disability again, then it's something to consider. Otherwise, it's one tick at a time - the best you can possibly muster.
one tick at a time. one grateful moment at a time so that we can get through the day.