Who is selfish?

I was on disability a few months ago. When the "episode" passed, and I started to feel better, it was darn wonderful to be there for my kids. Dinners were ready on the table, laundry folded, house neatly organized. And I had the opportunity to help my son with homework and extracurricular activities without rushing and without the stress and exhaustion that arises from working all day.

Well, I went back to work. Yup. I did. And yesterday I found out that my son has failed many a spelling tests since then. Why? Because I have to pick and choose what I'm going to help him with after I get home from work. I work a freakin 10-hour day and then I rush everything at home at night. I help people at work all day and I can't even freakin help my son. Pardon my French. I'm just so upset about this. I can't help but despise the career that I worked so hard to attain. I can't help but despise the mortgage that nearly doubled last year, and gave me no choice but to work despite my illness, despite my sensitivities to stress, despite my tendencies to overwhelm myself with responsibilities that no human can ever tackle without super powers. I despise my boss that denied my request for less work hours. How selfish is she? I despise the clients that come in to their appointments with me when I'm having an episode, and look at me as if I am going to cure them of their problems, constantly pressuring me to find a solution for them when I can't even find a solution for myself. How selfish are they?

And do I feel extreme guilt for despising all these things that other people would do anything to have? Yes. But darnit...I can't do this. I'm too sick, too medicated, and too darn overwhelmed.  How can I be a real mommy like this?

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