Get outta bed

hey marsha, i am currently studying bipolar for a research assignment and i have noticed your blogs, i have found them very helpful, they are informative and give an insight on what it is like to have bipolar, i do have a few questions if you don't mind you could answer for me,

1) when u found out you had bipolar what was the your reaction, how did you feel?

2) do u ever feel less capable of doing things that you like because of your bipolar?

3) does ur bipolar disorder affect other aspects of your life, like dealing with your kids?

I don't know if I help or whatever but these are my thoughts:

The absolute most frustrating thing about this disorder is; that for the majority of the folks who struggle with it (majority of the ones I've come to know over the years) the disorder changes it's method of operation as the years go by.  For some, it changes for the better but for a vast majority.. it changes for the worse as we age.

Even if you've been on meds from the get go and they've worked for years.. it still often times changes and worsens.  Thus it requires more meds, more effort, more determination and as we age and the kids get older things tend to slow down and we tend to become more tired and exhausted. 

I don't know what to say Marsha.  I was a whiz kid/employee/wife/daughter/student when I was in my 20s and 30s.  I'm not any longer and I'm in my early 40s.  My mind and my 78 year old father's is pretty much the same sadly.  The repetitive cycling of episodes over the years have indeed taken their toll on me.  I've been put up soaking wet and left to dry in the dessert sun.

What I do know, in my heart now is - you simply can't go back to being what in your mind you've thought yourself to be once.  Same as a spouse can't expect his/her spouse to return to the image they created of what the person used to be.  Naturally, without any disorder, this just isn't possible.  As you age, you learn new things, you experience new experiences... you just don't stay the same all the time and you can't go back.

So, rather than look at what you've perceived to have lost or are losing because that will only mire you further in the muck... maybe look at what you might could gain or who you are now and who you would like to be in the future - then work towards that with effort and determination instead of trying to recapture something or someone that simply can't be precisely retrieved.

Regardless of folks coming here saying they've found the cure, or was fixed, or "recovered from" the truth is the truth.  Bipolar is a chronic, often times debilitating medical disorder of the mind and brain, that is life long and ever changing.  It is different in each person that has it because each person is different.  It is how you choose to live your life, with the disorder in it, that will be key in the long run.

If you look at yourself as disabled or unable to function and cope.. then that is what you'll be.  It doesn't have to be and you may have to do things differently, make alterations to things, and lose some things due to it and life as it is that given moment because of it but, it doesn't have to be a life sentance unless you make it one.

I hope that sometime soon you can find some comfort that you seem to be needing, right now.

Marsha, I'am a women I'am 58 with a husband 2 children and 2 Grandchildren and others would think I have a great life. My bipolare is differnt thst yours in that I have spent my life with very deep depressions and a few manias. The depressions that we endure while our pdocs try to find the right combo. It is extremly painful, lonly and hope less. I so relate to you post. The last 18 months I have been stable. But when in depression I don't get out of bed, wash a dish, do laundry, clean my house and do not what to see anyone. Because I feel so much shame and think I'am not a good person.  The combo that finally worked for me is Lexapre, Lithium, Klonopin. and Seroquel. The seroquel has done wonders for me. I wish you well and send an email when you can.  Bleau2