Get outta bed

By marsha Thursday, April 23, 2009

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Would I be able to do now what I did back then? Absolutely not. So I guess I'm thankful that my disorder has had a gradual progression. I've met many others who can't say that. I am now a rapid-cycling patient. My depressions are more frequent and last longer. My manias cause more collateral damage nowadays (I still love 'em anyways). And I am unpredicatable.

I love you mania, for helping me through college and helping me raise three wonderful and well-rounded children. Now please go away because I don't need you anymore."

Nothing Works

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Anonymous

4/23/09 2:26pm

hey marsha, i am currently studying bipolar for a research assignment and i have noticed your blogs, i have found them very helpful, they are informative and give an insight on what it is like to have bipolar, i do have a few questions if you don't mind you could answer for me,

1) when u found out you had bipolar what was the your reaction, how did you feel?

2) do u ever feel less capable of doing things that you like because of your bipolar?

3) does ur bipolar disorder affect other aspects of your life, like dealing with your kids?

marsha

4/23/09 2:39pm

1) when u found out you had bipolar what was the your reaction, how did you feel?
I was in denial because I really thought I was just dealing with PTSD from something that happened in my childhood and I argued with the pdoc for months about it, absolutely sure I wasn't BP.

2) do u ever feel less capable of doing things that you like because of your bipolar?
I am very very capable when I'm manic. Not as capable when I'm at the other end of the pole. Medication helps though.

3) does ur bipolar disorder affect other aspects of your life, like dealing with your kids?
My children have had their share of feeling the impact of my bipolar disorder but ever since I was diagnosed I've learned how to not allow my moods to affect my parenting as much as possible. Sometimes that is impossible but I have frequent talks with my kids (who are older now) and they seem to understand the few times that I lose it.

Anonymous

4/24/09 4:53pm

thanks so much for answering my questions marsha!

i now feel i have a better understanding of bipolar, i admire you for creating websites like such to help those in your situation.

it is much appreciated!!

your answers also helped me towards my assignment, so thanks again!

tabby

4/23/09 3:00pm

I don't know if I help or whatever but these are my thoughts:

The absolute most frustrating thing about this disorder is; that for the majority of the folks who struggle with it (majority of the ones I've come to know over the years) the disorder changes it's method of operation as the years go by. For some, it changes for the better but for a vast majority.. it changes for the worse as we age.

Even if you've been on meds from the get go and they've worked for years.. it still often times changes and worsens. Thus it requires more meds, more effort, more determination and as we age and the kids get older things tend to slow down and we tend to become more tired and exhausted.

I don't know what to say Marsha. I was a whiz kid/employee/wife/daughter/student when I was in my 20s and 30s. I'm not any longer and I'm in my early 40s. My mind and my 78 year old father's is pretty much the same sadly. The repetitive cycling of episodes over the years have indeed taken their toll on me. I've been put up soaking wet and left to dry in the dessert sun.

What I do know, in my heart now is - you simply can't go back to being what in your mind you've thought yourself to be once. Same as a spouse can't expect his/her spouse to return to the image they created of what the person used to be. Naturally, without any disorder, this just isn't possible. As you age, you learn new things, you experience new experiences... you just don't stay the same all the time and you can't go back.

So, rather than look at what you've perceived to have lost or are losing because that will only mire you further in the muck... maybe look at what you might could gain or who you are now and who you would like to be in the future - then work towards that with effort and determination instead of trying to recapture something or someone that simply can't be precisely retrieved.

Regardless of folks coming here saying they've found the cure, or was fixed, or "recovered from" the truth is the truth. Bipolar is a chronic, often times debilitating medical disorder of the mind and brain, that is life long and ever changing. It is different in each person that has it because each person is different. It is how you choose to live your life, with the disorder in it, that will be key in the long run.

If you look at yourself as disabled or unable to function and cope.. then that is what you'll be. It doesn't have to be and you may have to do things differently, make alterations to things, and lose some things due to it and life as it is that given moment because of it but, it doesn't have to be a life sentance unless you make it one.

I hope that sometime soon you can find some comfort that you seem to be needing, right now.

marsha

4/24/09 6:46pm

Tabby, your comments have been of great help to me. Reading about everyone else's similar struggles has been a blessing. Thanks.

bleau2

4/23/09 3:12pm

Marsha, I'am a women I'am 58 with a husband 2 children and 2 Grandchildren and others would think I have a great life. My bipolare is differnt thst yours in that I have spent my life with very deep depressions and a few manias. The depressions that we endure while our pdocs try to find the right combo. It is extremly painful, lonly and hope less. I so relate to you post. The last 18 months I have been stable. But when in depression I don't get out of bed, wash a dish, do laundry, clean my house and do not what to see anyone. Because I feel so much shame and think I'am not a good person. The combo that finally worked for me is Lexapre, Lithium, Klonopin. and Seroquel. The seroquel has done wonders for me. I wish you well and send an email when you can. Bleau2

marsha

4/24/09 6:49pm

Oddly enough, I feel I was lucky to have mainly manic episodes when I was younger. I am deathly afraid of depressive episodes. Total fear. And I happen to be in the midst of one right now (full gear as of today).

I am 35 years old. I had my teenage children at a young age. I can't help but feeling like a failure.

bleau2

4/24/09 7:22pm

Ya know I totally would have liked to have the mania over the Depressions. I also fear Depression like the plauge that it is. it used to take over my whole being and they would last 8 months in a row. It maybe time to check in with your pdoc. And find a better combo ya know just alittle tweeking. And lastly you are not a failure, Just a person with a really hard disease. your trudgig right now and soon you will feel better. It seems as we deppression people always do get over these moods. THINK AND TELL YOURSELF i'AM A GOOD PERSON. oR THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS IT SOUNDS ODD BUT IT DOES WORK FOR ME.

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