I don't want to divorce my wife.

By Edgar Sunday, April 05, 2009

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Hello to everyone and God bless.

Yesterday was the first time in almost 2 months that me and my wife shared time together with the kids, she had a full manic episode ( which included psychotics features such as hallucinations and paranoia ),last january which lasted almost a month. She stills blames me for the divorce process, saying that I did wrong by hospitalizing her ( she stayed in psyc ward for almost a week). She apeared to be anxious about this whole thing of separation, never giving a clear answer that divorce is what she actually wants, the kids are doing better but I can see that they dont fully understand why mom and dad are apart ( my son is 9 y.o./ my daugther 7 y.o.), they are both being seeing by a child psychologist. I dont want to end my marriage, all I want is a commitment from her to stop being so selfish and self centered and take responsability for her treatment.

Comments (13) | Add comment

tabby

4/ 5/09 5:50pm

As long as she doesn't "see" or accept that she needs treatment and accepts the treatment... there really isn't much probability that she'll change to what you want her to be or to do.

If you simply can't continue living as husband and wife with your wife any longer due to behavior you find simply no longer tolerable... then you have to decide what you inevitably want to do.

Edgar

4/ 6/09 9:22pm

Thank you Tabby and God bless you. This hurts, but its time to see reality, I'm willing to try again but only if she cooperates and understand that we must do this together but it wont work if we cant trust each other.

Eric

4/ 6/09 7:52am

Hey Edgar,

I totally agree with what tabby said and would like to carry it further. I am big on personal responsibility of our illness. Yes there are times when we are not thinking straight and need for someone to step in and speak for us or as you did...place her inpatient to get help.

The hard thing to swallow are the hurtful things that are said and done during an episode. I can tell you from experience that the majority of what is said and done is not what this person really wants. If the divorce/separation comments came while she was psychotic...you can't take them at face value. The other thing to consider is that this person rarely remembers what was said or done during these times and it may be playing out in her head since she remembers little to nothing that it must be your idea.

I can't tell you what to do but you do need to sit down and decide what is best for your family. I would set some boundaries and have a sit down with her about what has taken place thus far so that there is not a repeat performance. Tell her what she was saying and doing when you had her hospitalized, let her know the effects of her non stabilization on you and the kids...also let her know that you do love her and only want the best for her.

Trust is the most important part of dealing with her. If she dosen't trust you enough...she will think you are against her and doing these things on purpose. Is there life after a episode? I have lived and survived through two of them so far and honestly it has made our life and marriage stronger in that she does trust me when things start to go haywire that I am doing what is best and she knows that I really do love her because I am still here at her side.

My favorite saying is that "It is in the past, leave it there and start fresh today". I see no real value of constantly revisiting what took place in the past and making everyone feel like crap. To be totally honest there are no answers to why these crazy things took place other than it is an illness and its side effects.

Have the sit down with her...talk it over and then stuff it all in a locked chest never to be opened again. Edgar...if you can get yourself in the position of starting fresh with your wife today and remembering why it was that the two of you got married in the first place...there is hope. If your the type to constantly bring up and toss stuff in her face of things that have happened in the past...complete the divorce papers and move

on.

Edgar

4/ 6/09 9:17pm

Thank you for your advice. I'm willing to forgive and forget if she can take the step to seriously facing herself and admit her need for treatment. If not, then I'll keep moving forward and begin my own emotional healing ( my self esteem its at an all time low ), I'll keep to you guys, thanks for your support.

NewBride

4/ 8/09 9:04pm

I'm sorry for the position you are in. I was in a similar one myself last year. Although my BP ex (yes I HAD to divorce him) was seeking treatment (although he had already torn our relationship and me to shreds), he wasn't seeing what he had done or taking any blame for his actions. His selfishness and "me me me" attitude, on top of his blaming and lashing out at me without apologies, torn our marriage apart. The verbal and emotional abuse was too much to bare, and finally I had to save myself.

So even though she may be taking meds, or may be trying to get help, I do understand that it takes more than that. Please take care of those kids and your OWN well being through these tough times. You are a strong person to be going through this, and I wish you all the luck in the world during these trials.

Edgar

4/ 8/09 11:06pm

Thank you for your advice. I'm sorry to know that you also had to cope with a spouse that will not take responsability for his actions, never gave a chance to understand how you felt, only thinking about his own feelings. That's exactly how I feel, emotionally exhausted, scared, I constantly feel the guilt of " never doing things right, never being spiritual enough to please her, never being enough of a man to meet her expectations". My self esteeem is totally out of control, I'm taking prozac and clonazepam for anxiety, she still blames me for everything that happened during our relationship. How can I start again, I don't know, I'm concerned about my children's safety.

Eric

4/ 9/09 5:32am

Hey Edgar,

You failed to mention that you were taking anything for your own anxiety disorder. The medications you mentioned are heavy hitters for depression/anxiety disorder. With saying that...how much of the problems are stemming from your wife's disorder and what part do you own with your own issues?

They can get intertwined very easily and it's twice as hard to deal with things when both of you are having issues at the same time. So when you mentioned you feared for the kids safety...are you suicidal, is this your own disorder acting up or has the wife made some kind of threats?

Just something to think about

Edgar

4/ 9/09 9:23pm

I started to have emotional issues about 4 years after my wife was diagnosed with BP. I never had any real problems such as depression and anxiety before we were married, I even had 6 years of active service with the US Army during the 80's ( way before both wars in the Iraq ) and never had any reference to any mental problem from my leaders, I used to get along fine with everyone around me, my leaders and co-workers didn't want me to quit the Army, they all asked to stay and make a career out of it ( I was stationed at Walter Reed Hospital in D.C. working at the Vascular Clinic ). My life was turned around totally in 2002 when 3 months after my wife gave birth to our second child. She began to see demons everywhere, started to destroy everything around the house, didn't sleep at all for almost 4 days. At first the psychiatrist told me it was schizophrenia, later it was changed to BP with psychotic features. The heavy burden of dealing with her denial, along with raising kids and keeping all the financial responsabilities ( we had to file for bankrupcy ) is what put me in this position where I'm at right now. I still love her but I hate BP.

tabby

4/10/09 11:29am

Edgar

I feel for you, I do.

You have a long row to hoe and the sun is high and hot.

Just to add though... Anxiety, in and of itself, isn't necessarily a mental illness. It's a condition and/or symptom. What I'm saying is; you could've been struggling with anxiety and anxiety related problems for many years and yet, unknowingly were "handling" them.

The added stress of what you've been going through will cause the Anxiety to escalate to a crescendo and the prolonged stress will cause one to struggle with Depression. Once you have the 2 going; they tend to feed off each other.

That is; the Depression hits and the Anxiety rises. The Anxiety rises and the Depression hits and vice a versa. This was explained to me once by a therapist and a pdoc. I struggle with Generalized Anxiety, as well as Bipolar, and have had GA for many many years.

The prn you are taking for the anxiety can also worsen depression. If your depression is worsening, you may want to talk with your doctor about that possibility.

Also.. well... I despise the illness as well.

Edgar

4/10/09 6:56pm

Thank you Tabby for the info. I must admit I was ignorant about the anxiety thing, but I'm ready and willing to make the necessary changes to improve this situation, I will discuss my current dosage of meds on my next pshyc. appointment on april 28. Right now I'm taking 20mg Prozac daily/.50 Klonopin once a day. It makes me feel a bit sleepy, my co-workers tell me I look depressed. I apreciate your help Tabby, God bless you. I dont feel alone anymore.

Tausha

3/ 4/10 1:53pm

I am a woman living with Bipolar. My boyfriend, whom I am hoping to marry someday, and spend the rest of my life with, is quickly fading due to the many rapid cycles I go through. I accept that I haven't been doing EVERYTHING right, but I try so hard. And when I am manic, I have a tendancy to lash out when he is just trying to get me to calm down. When I am manic, I cannot see that I am doing anything wrong and yes, it is a very self-centered disorder because when I in these states of mind the only reality is my fantasy. I have a crappy memory because I am not mentally around for a good portion of my life. I am always hearing my loved ones say to me, "You were right there when I said that." It breaks my heart. I am sick of being a guinnea pig. But this medication (the 10th different combination of drugs that various psychologists have tried) I think you should learn about both of your disorders as much as you can and when you are BOTH on a stable moment, YOU SHOULD USE IT TO LEARN TOGETHER! I have failed at marriage once. (I didn't truly love the man, getting married was an impulse decision during a manic episode, and its not exactly something a God fearing person wishes to admit they messed up.) I wish you both the best of luck, but I pray that you identify the problem together and work things out for the future. It is a lifelong disorder. But that doesn't mean its the end of living.

we make mistakes we learn from them, but we only truly obtain the information to learn from them by living it sometimes. You should take into consideration if she is in denial and if you truly love her, you will find a way.

vanessa

5/29/11 7:26pm

I am married to a manic depressive person. I knew of none of the anti depressants he's on before we married. He tried to kill himself in Oct. of this year and I am praying daily for his spiritual and mental health. In the meantime...am I trully a terrible person thinking I am stuck in this relationship...if I voice any word of discord...I feel it would be my fault if he tries to do it again. Note...when checking him in a facility he told the nurse he had tried this another time. The Lord is my strength..but I cannot be the strength for my husband. Please pray for all the lost, depressed souls of this world.

Edgar

5/30/11 7:45am

I know how you feel. Just make sure sure that your personal safety is not compromise, for me it's been more than two years since I separated from my wife, I've been in treatment for the past 1 year and a half, I feel a lot better, the guilt is slowly dissapearing, I feel more confident, slowly everything's getting back to a more stable direction. My ex-wife still in the stage of denial, out of control, blaming everyone for what' going wrong in her life. I'll will begin the divorde process any moment now. My word for you: dont give up on you, you are not responsible for your partner action or illness. Give yourself a second chance. Start over. The Good Lord will help you. My prayers for you and your family.

I don't want to divorce my wife.

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