Day 1
Drugs taken today:
40mg prozac
.25mg xanax
900mg lithium
510mg seroquel
so i guess today is day one. Ground zero… i dont exactly know what or how to say anything. I took this seroquel stuff like about a half hour ago i think, and already my brain is not wanting me to think, not wanting me to do anything but lay in bed and go to sleep.
My ticks were SO bad today, and it was tough having my friend go with me to see my psychiatrist, but what else was i supposed to do about the situation. I think she was embarrassed about me, embarrassed about being with me, and having to deal with I am dealing with.
I just told my parents about my diagnosis at the improv place my sister performs at. Just told them. I left all the drug information from my prescriptions on their bed with the sheet my doctor gave be about being bilpolar. Like I need a sheet to help me understand why I am the way I am. At least now I have an excuse for all the bad things I did.
“hey mom, I was manic. I wasn’t planning on spending 1000 dollars on your credit card.” But oh jesus I don’t think that even I can fake what it felt like to have uncontrollable ticks to the point that I cant even concentrate on the smallest detail. To feel like all I want is drugs to keep me down.
And boy am I down right now. this is some heavy stuff. my friendis trying t to make a playlist of country songs for me because I am ignorant when it comes to stuff like that. What can I say, she knows me well.
I have no idea how my parents are going to react. my doctor said I was really perfectly normal, or at least as normal as I can be.
I juist took one more seroquel. That brings my total to 2 seroquels, and I am going to sleep soundly tonigiht,
night
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i guess this is the start of my journey
8/17/09 10:27am
MY THOUGHTS AND ONLY MY THOUGHTS cause I'm no one to advise or suggest - just to give thoughts...
Okay so you've been diagnosed with Bipolar and you've got meds.
You've laid out the info to the parents for them to find in order to explain your PAST mis-deeds and ill formed judgment calls.
Okay.
That was Day 1.
You are no "newbie" to mental illness. You've had depression before. You've not had Bipolar though.
Day 2 now begins and with it comes a name. It's name is Bipolar and Bipolar isn't just your everyday Depression nor is it Major Depression. It's a creature all of it's own with it's own feet. It can either be terrifying or it can be trainable... it's all up to you now.
It's no longer a excuse, by the way. Sorry to burst the bubble but now that it has a name, you've laid it out to the ones that be, and you have meds and a doc... it's no longer a excuse for you to give to cover up your future mis-deeds and ill formed judgment calls. Well... not those having anything to do directly or indirectly to it, anyway.
See... it has a name now. With a name, comes treatment options. With treatment options, comes stability periods and well.. lifestyle changes. Whether you want to make the changes or not, it will make them for you.
Bipolar, to me anyway, is a highly individualized custom made illness to the individual that has it. No 2 folks with Bipolar are the same and don't let your pdoc tell you different. The trick is to learn how it affects and effects you in your daily life and that - that comes with therapy.
Therapy treats the disorder, Meds treat the symptoms.
In therapy, you'll discover your triggers and what causes them to trigger those impulses like spending $1000 on mom's credit cards causing financial difficulties for her, no doubt. In therapy, you'll discover ways to manage that trigger or to avoid it all together so that the damage, if any occurs, perhaps is much less or extremely mild in comparison. You'll get to learn how YOU tick inside and how to manage and cope with it and turn it around.
Bipolar is a life-long and often times debilitating disorder to those who struggle with it. Yet, it can either run and rule your life or you can run or rule your life with it in it. It's completely up to you.
You'll slip up, you'll de-rail, you'll have breakthrough episodes - I'll tell you no lie. Yet, how you deal with those and WHAT YOU choose to do... is up to you. YOU HAVE to manage your illness and all facets of it, not your parents or anyone else. YOU have to which makes you responsible and accountable for the management of it and what comes from it.
It's not easy. It's darn hard. It's every day. Yet, if you are game for it... you can get where the stable periods are longer and longer in between and those... those are the golden goal to aim for, it just takes effort and diligence.
Arm yourself with knowledge of it, ask ask ask, read read read, get to know the Bipolar disorder within you and how to manage it.
If you fall on your face... and you will... don't give up or give in... scramble back up, brush yourself off, give apologies where they are due and to whom, DON'T berate yourself for falling, try to make amends if possible where possible, do not expect anything from anyone cause You aren't in control of them you are in control of you, and start walking again with your head up.
If you do this, and get where you can, then that terrifying monster of Bipolar... won't be so terrifying and will actually be more trained. It just takes time, effort, diligence, and a willing individual to go at it.
Good Luck.
8/18/09 1:53pm
The reply from Tabby was well written, highly accurate and worthy of printing and pasting to your refrigerator. To echo the sentiments; ACCOUNTABILITY, ACCOUNTABILITY, ACCOUNTABILITY.
You have a label to go along with the moods and behavior that you have been experiencing for sometime, no doubt. The label though is just a label. My particular label is similiar (Bipolar 1, mixed state/rapid cycling). This explains to me on a daily basis why I feel the way I do. The medications help my mood states but does not excuse me to behave according to my moods.
I also have to be aware of where I am on the mood spectrum (extremely depressed, depressed, neutral, hypomanic, manic) at any given moment. Each of these mood states illict a desired response to compensate for the mood. For example, today I may be extremely depressed and want it all to just end. That does not mean that I have to take another pill and climb under the covers in a dark room. I can recognize the mood for what it is (in this example, depression) and have a HEALTHY coping mechanism to correct the diseased mood state. Keep it simple and accessible. When I recognize that I am in a depressed state, the first thing that I do is take a long shower or bath with my favorite soap and loofa, washing away the mood. If I don't feel better after the shower, I move forward to the next solution. Maybe calling an old friend on the phone or grabbing a small dish of ice cream. To reiterate, first identify the mood state and then implement a healthy, non-pharmaceutical treatment. Do not get in the habit of reaching for a pill to fix your problem or soon you will be self-medicating thus adding to your difficulties.
If the above fails to alter my mood, I go on to " Act As If ". If I am hypomanic and feel I am about to jump out of my skin, I put on an imaginary 'calm' mask. Even though I don't feel it, I act it for a time. Breathe, roll your head and shoulders, walk peacefully and put your mind only on a simple task at hand. Wash the dishes and feel the warm water, the smooth glass beneath your fingers and notice how it becomes tacky as you wash the soap away. Notice the rainbows in the bubbles and watch them pop.
I have been on my Bipolar journey (diagnosed) for fifteen years now and my condition has been labelled 'severe'. Today, I am in recovery just like if I was recovering alcoholic. In their case, they are only one drink away from their next drunk just as I am one mood away from becoming ill again. You are empowered with choices today and given the right choices, today you can enjoy your recovery.
Best Wishes!
8/20/09 5:33pm
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bipolar is like a roller coaster and every day is different- just remember, your fam and friends do not understand you and may not ever- i am 34 and have been living with severe bipolar all my life- i have taken just about every drug there is and am currently trying another new combo- do not give up- the times that are good, live for that- and stick with the meds- it may take a while to find the right combo- good luck with it!