On my son - again

By cathryne Saturday, January 05, 2008

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Well, I guess the last time I wrote in this space I was concerned about my son's mental health. Still am. He still has little value for himself. His depresson controls his work habits, daily self care. Yet he goes to work. Bathes. Often washes his clothing. Yet you can just tell he is so depressed he is barely functional.It finally got to his roomates and they presented him with a 30 day notice. Perhaps THIS will motivate him to get out and obtain real live housing and a real live job. Sometimes just enough stress induced through fear is the antidote (temporary I do admit) to depression. I mean, depression isn't a real emotion. Really, It's not. It is a defense mechanism against the emotion that you are trying to avoid. And since you cannot depress just one emotion you depress them all and so it's called depression. In us bi-polar individuals it's chemical. In my son it's chemical too, just a diffent chemical. Im certain you all get it. Anyway. I just feel that the last shoe has finally dropped in this particular situation. Being bi-polar myself I'm not of great assistance to him right now. Keep alternating between being on the growing edge with it and feeling totally devastated. It's as if the end of his denial about his sitation has ended my denial about his situaion too. (Eh, i'm - unfortunately- never in denial about my own situation, which come to think of it shortens my manias considerably...) So, that's the updat since when, September I guess. Thanks for letting me rant. Mellow

Why is he so mean

Comments (7) | Add comment

Hopeful mom

1/ 5/08 6:48am

Parenting is a life sentence. I hope he really gets the help he needs. I don't know if it's the male gender or just certain people. It's like they just don't want to talk about what's bothering them. They deal with it until they can't anymore and hopefully they get help and don't do something drastic.

Not trying to be sexist but both my husband and my son are this way. All that repressed emotion tends to lead to some pretty nasty consequences.

my son again

1/ 6/08 4:27am

I had a conversation with my daughter. High functioning level daughter at that. We were theorizing that the more stress some people experience the more overwhelmed they become then go into a denial phase so that they can function in the world and not appear overwhelmed. Denial provides and escape but the problems that cause the stress are still there and often growing larger and more complicated as one ingnores them in favor of feeling some sort of comfort. There is then a crisis and motivation then kicks into high gear but you have yourself a situation that is controling you and if you have limited resources waiting to adress the stressors is counter productive and I should be telling him this and probably not you because you probably already know this Dry

Hopeful mom

1/ 6/08 6:48am

That gave me a giggle.

My sister and I theorized that my son shows anger during depression because he feels it's the only "socially acceptable male response". He can't really sit there and cry so he cusses and puts holes in the walls.

I hope your son will realize what he needs to do. I'm sure he's feeling very overwhelmed right now.

cathryne

1/ 9/08 4:31am

I actuallyl did something this time 'round that suprized even me. I told him that i supported him in whatever life decision he made. No matter what. Whether he leave the area or stayed in a shelter here or somewhere else. If he chose to try to find another job and it took longer than expected i would help him financially as much as i can in achieving individualilty. Because, truly, that is the issue at hand. And he has calmed down. And he applied for a new ID card (he had lost his and cannot obtain employment in CA without one) he phoned his employer and requested more work. The housing thing is not setteled and I am frustrated and feeling just like the biggest failure as a mom. How could i possibly raise a child who does not have self-regard, or at least not enough to take care of just basic needs. It appears as if he would live in dreamy "Hope land" than face what he needs to do. "MEN!

Hopeful mom

1/ 9/08 5:52am

I understand your frustration. I raised a daughter who's a "super achiever". She's going to be a lawyer and is going to college on a full academic scholarship.

Then I have a son who's 16 and I don't even know if he's going to pass 10th grade. He doesn't seem to understand that school is something you have to do and it will prepare you for life. For some reason, he thinks that sitting around all day playing video games and guitar is all he should do. If he doesn't get his grades up, he can't go to vo-tech. The other day he asked to "drop out" of school. I'm thinking "Gosh kid, what do you think life is?"

I basically said, "You can't drop out until your 18 and dropping out isn't a good idea anyway because you can't get a good job if you don't graduate." I also let him know he won't be staying with me unless he's going to school or working. I think that shocked him. It was a rule my parents had and I think it's a good one.

Anyway, good luck to you guys. I hope he figures out what he needs to do.

cathryne

1/11/08 4:37am

I suspect that it's the age group. My son voiced dropping out theories and motivations at that age. Told him the same thing you work or you go to school. He dropped out and went to work got his GED but now wishes he had graduated. But what I suspect is going on with each is not facing the hard parts of real life. My son prefers to deny all possible negative outcomes when considering his choices in the present tense. "Well, that won't happen" And invariably it actually does happen. He had to quit drinking when he realized he was making more ill informed choices not just under the influence but just in general stemming from an irresponsible life style. Right now were re-living the "chickens have come home to roost" theorem. He has denied that his rather crazy roomates want my more serious and now more responsible son to leave for far too long because he has a dog and doesn't want to give up his dog inorder to move. Now, with a 30 day notice he must pull it together again with mom and sisters help. I want to be released from this ongoing rescue response. See, I'm the bi-polar one, not them. Matt is uni-polar Sam, his sister, is just neurotic and a workaholic. But Im working though a mixed episode around all this stuff that is going on and without meds. Haven't been on meds for 3 years because i no longer have insurance where i work. So, that's the total scoop on the situaion. Sorry if I seem manic, but I am.

Hopeful mom

1/11/08 5:12am

I'm getting there too with mine. He messes up and makes bad choices and mom has to "rescue" him. It's overstressing me as I can see your situation is overstressing you.

Sometimes I wonder if we'd be better off just letting them fail. I really don't know what to do sometimes.

On my son - again

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