Hi,
Would really appreciate any assistance you guys can give me. I live in a state of hypomania most of the time - over confident, start new things and never finish them, ideas all over the place, work so productively have manager calling me "amazing", scream and shout at my child when something in her homework is not quite right (she's only 10) and then spend the rest of the night apologising. Then, occasionally, down I go like a rocket - sometimes connected to events in my life, sometimes not connected to anything. Then I try to "work through it" until I get to the point where I don't want to leave the house, talk to people, don't want to see my hubby or child unless I get angry for no reason, hide under a rock. That's when I end up booking an emergency appointment with my GP or P-Doc, and the latest (after postnatal depression have been on anti-depressants for YEARS having incredible reaction from the jitters to psychosis but they just kept trying one after another) doctor says its just (Just!) borderline personality disorder and that it's all to do with situations of childhood neglect (adopted mum's an alcoholic who I still love dearly - great when she's straight) and that meds are just not going to work. I am a bit culpable as I tend to take a mood stabiliser for a week or 2 then the side effect of not being hypomanic (which i'm only now starting to understand) makes me come off them. So Docs sayno way no meds will help except a little seroquel at night which bombs me out. I know I am very sensitive to meds but I don't think that it's all to do with my childhood and although i'm totally open to CBT and MBCBT (done both and found helpful, specially in dealing with Mum) I can't control this sometimes - I just can't. I'm not being wilful or recalcitrant (that's how my doc made me feel this afternoon) I am really really down. I have lost confidence, I can't believe it when others say they have confidence in me, I fell like a bad wife and mother, I have no appetite, I can't sleep properly - seems to be pushing through the seroquel, I feel like a failure and an idiot cause I can't just pull myself together and get to work. I agree I may have some personality disorder but that does not explain these highs and lows. I feel lost. My P-doc and my GP don't want to know, it's hard to find another p-doc as they have all closed their books and I feel so down and everything is so bleak - even taking a shower is so much effort.
What is wrong with me - am I doing this to myself?? I just can't believe that. Last yesr they said Bipolar, now they say personality disorder, and i'm lost somewhere in the middle with no help.
NK
Look…we all have personality disorder to a degree or we wouldn’t care about anyone or anything. Being brought up in an alcoholic home (I know from past experiences) wasn’t pleasant but you survived it. You also went through post partum depression and came out on top somehow and again survived it.
I am no doc and don’t claim to be one, but from what you’re describing is bipolar II at its finest. Everyone knows that you never place someone that might be bipolar on anti-depressants without some sort of mood stabilizer in place.
My assumption is that they used the antidepressants to bring you out of post partum depression and you continued on them to a degree after coming out. This would explain being hypo all the time as it raises you above the middle bar. Hypo isn’t always that great box of chocolates for everyone.
Its effects are usually that of a great achiever but we also tend to do is transfer those thoughts onto others such as your child. If your child was what you would have considered a sub achiever while in this state, the normal response would be that of expectations greater than what was realistic. I could see you or anyone else for that matter becoming very upset to the point of screaming.
So as with any person suffering with classic bipolar you are looking at the things around you to explain why you are the way you are. Ummmm…my mom is an alcoholic, post partum depression, work issues and so on.
You need to find a good psychiatrist that specializes in bipolarism and its treatments. You will need to go on a mood stabilizer and possible light antidepressants to get you back up to the middle ground of being somewhat normal with normal reactions to the things going on around you.
You will need to be vigilant on taking the correct amount of medications at the specified times….no more or less than the psychiatrist ordered. Expect to be a little dazed or slowed down at first as your body becomes adjusted to the meds. Usually after 6 to 8 weeks, things will seem a lot better and back to your old self once again. Good luck
That seems to dovetail with what I think too. The antidepressants were only stopped a year and a half ago - and then we tried all the mood stabilisers - I think the dumbing down effects were what made me think I couldn't handle them - I felt like an idiot at work, couldn't do what I normally do, or even close. I got a rash on Lamictal which was working absolutely brilliantly - but I didn't ever take large amounts to get to side effects, and now the situation with my psychiatrist is "medication wont help" and I try Minfulness and CBT and can't get into it cause i'm either hypo or down - so then it's "personality disorder". It's so hard to find a good doctor. I will keep trying. Thanks for the words of wisdom.
N