misdiagnosis will end up my middle name

Hi,

Would really appreciate any assistance you guys can give me. I live in a state of hypomania most of the time - over confident, start new things and never finish them, ideas all over the place, work so productively have manager calling me "amazing", scream and shout at my child when something in her homework is not quite right (she's only 10) and then spend the rest of the night apologising. Then, occasionally, down I go like a rocket - sometimes connected to events in my life, sometimes not connected to anything. Then I try to "work through it" until I get to the point where I don't want to leave the house, talk to people, don't want to see my hubby or child unless I get angry for no reason, hide under a rock. That's when I end up booking an emergency appointment with my GP or P-Doc, and the latest (after postnatal depression have been on anti-depressants for YEARS having incredible reaction from the jitters to psychosis but they just kept trying one after another) doctor says its just (Just!) borderline personality disorder and that it's all to do with situations of childhood neglect (adopted mum's an alcoholic who I still love dearly - great when she's straight) and that meds are just not going to work. I am a bit culpable as I tend to take a mood stabiliser for a week or 2 then the side effect of not being hypomanic (which i'm only now starting to understand) makes me come off them. So Docs  sayno way no meds will help except a little seroquel at night which bombs me out. I know I am very sensitive to meds but I don't think that it's all to do with my childhood and although i'm totally open to CBT and MBCBT (done both and found helpful, specially in dealing with Mum) I can't control this sometimes - I just can't. I'm not being wilful or recalcitrant (that's how my doc made me feel this afternoon) I am really really down. I have lost confidence, I can't believe it when others say they have confidence in me, I fell like a bad wife and mother, I have no appetite, I can't sleep properly - seems to be pushing through the seroquel, I feel like a failure and an idiot cause I can't just pull myself together and get to work. I agree I may have some personality disorder but that does not explain these highs and lows. I feel lost. My P-doc and my GP don't want to know, it's hard to find another p-doc as they have all closed their books and I feel so down and everything is so bleak - even taking a shower is so much effort.

What is wrong with me - am I doing this to myself?? I just can't believe that. Last yesr they said Bipolar, now they say personality disorder, and i'm lost somewhere in the middle with no help.

NK