I went and saw the welfare officer at work, told her what was going on etc. One of the first things she said to me after an hour and a half of talking was that she had seen many people with Borderline Personality Disorder and that I was not one of them. She helped me find a new General Practitioner who is very good, and in the meantime one of our friends had suggested trying to get in to see a Professor of Psychiatry who had stopped teaching at the University and set up in private practice. He had only good things to say about the "Prof", especially that he listened to patients and was extraordinarily thorough, plus a great person to talk to.

So, I saw the new GP, he wrote me a referral to the Prof, I faxed it through from work (dragged myself in last week even if it was for a few hours a day), and got an appointment the very next morning after the Prof had seen what was written on the referral (unsure of diagnosis etc).

Well, what a relief. He was the first psychiatrist to ask me to sign to get records from all the psychiatrists i've seen (or hsopitals i've been in) since I had post natal nearly 11 years ago. Then he talked to me for over an hour, then got my husband in to talk for another hour. The diagnosis seemed quite clear cut to him - manic depression or bipolar (he's been around for a long while so tends to call it MD). The idea of me having Borderline PD was laughable to him - he actualy laughed - he said that it seems to be becoming fashionable for Drs to attach this label to hard to treat patients.

In talking through past episodes with him, he pointed out to me that a lot of what I thought was hypomania was in fact mania if we looked at what happened in detail - my husband agreed completely - I was a bit taken aback. It was kind of scary, but also a relief. He will see me again this week, and is not charging us above medicare so it wont cost us because he wants to see me often for a while.

So, looks like i've found someone who has finally "got it" or "got me" more to the point. He also encouraged me to keep working, get out of the house and be with others as much as I could - and that has helped over the past week, though i'm still teary and down - I just go to the bathroom and have a little cry and then get back to it - it's amazing what acheiveing something, even something small, can do for self-esteem, even when depressed.

Thanks for all your posts and encouragement - it's hard work being so down and doing anything, but determination won through and it looks like i'm now on the right path to managing this and getting on with my life (baby steps though I would think).

N