Wanting to vent to someone who knows and understands............

Thank you very much for your comment.  The more I hear from women like me the better I feel about my decisions and steps towards making a change in my life.  I wish you the best and give you massive props for surviving as long as you have.  My prayers and support are with you.

Tabby- At first glance at your reply I have to admit it made my defenses go up, but after reading over it 3 to 4 + times I see where you and of course Tom are coming from, and appreciate your honesty and other point of view. I guess I never looked at it in the way you stated. It's hard for me to see past the anger he puts out and figure out the whole picture, especially when he's in an upset way. I suppose that's why I joined this online group so I could get the answers I have been searching for. Thank you for your help in understanding him. My question now, is how do I show him that I am still learning and that I can make mistakes also? How do I show him I didn't understand at the time and that I was doing the only thing I knew to do to get myself out of a dangerous situation? When someone is abusive you leave.... this is what society tells us to do, but I also can understand how that looks like abandonment in his eyes. I would never intentionally hurt this man but he intentionally hurts me all the time. I did come to the conclusion of him being bipolar easily. It's the only thing I can come up with to explain the anger and mean actions. I know he's a good man inside and almost feel relieved that I came across the explanation, because it means he's not the awful, hurtful man he has been. That it's not his fault. The things that come out of his mouth are hard to take... even if I know it's out of anger that he's saying them. I anger him because I'm too positive, I'm too happy and when someone tells you this all the time you try to do the complete opposite to see if that's what they want/need to be happy. I messed up because I lost me in his sickness and I lost him. Maybe we are not meant to be... maybe I can't help him. All I know is that I've got so much love to give him and we keep fighting. I'm going to counseling to fix what’s wrong with me, and get insight. Is it too much to ask for him to do so also? Seems a bit one sided to me and that's what I'm tired of. The accountability is not there. I admit my faults and apologize for my wrong doing and I wish he would too. What got you to get help for yourself? Have you always lived with Bipolar? How would you like your significant other to cope with your illness in a way that helps you? Anything you can shoot my way will help. Thanks again for your time and insight.

sug... my reply was coming from my opinion of what I read specifically from what you posted... granted, I may have come on a bit strong and well.. I will apologize for that.

 

and what I'm replying here is also simply my opinion and you don't have to agree and shouldn't if it doesn't apply anywhere

 

you 2 went through a lot of upheavel and stress producing circumstances in the last 2 months

stress, chaos, uncertainty, and upheavel will test even the seemingly best relationships to the straining point

 

I simply reflected to you what I read from your post....

 

Tom re-arranged his life and living arrangements to something I'm certain wasn't his ideal place to live FOR YOU.

He took you out of a situation that was uncomfortable to you, FOR YOU.

He wanted to live in a park where he'd likely have privacy, wouldn't be watched his every move, and you guys could come and go and you'd live on your own and try to regroup.  YET YOU insisted on living in your friend's yard.

 

You said it was Your friend.  You didn't say "our friend".  This means or implies that "your friend" wasn't necessarily Tom's friend otherwise, you'd said "our friend" and not "my friend" or "a friend".

 

Tom reluctantly agreed to live in someone else's yard, though not happy about it, FOR YOU.  A place where he likely would feel he had no privacy, his gf would be in and out of her friend's house more often than the camper, and his every move would be watched and/or questioned.  Yet, he did this... FOR YOU. 

 

Granted, he made it perhaps known he wasn't happy about the situation and thus made it more miserable for you perhaps... but he still did it FOR YOU.

 

Under a lot of stress within a relatively short period of time... with chaos, financial issues, and friend's involved that perhaps aren't entirely his as well.... really creates a strenous tenous situation that even the best relationships would likely have trouble with - if not initially - eventually.

 

I'm not saying you are at fault and should feel any guilt... nor did I mean for any blame to be removed from Tom.  You both went at this from internal places.

 

I'm also not saying the possibility isn't there that perhaps he has Bipolar.  You've lived with him, I haven't.  What I said was... that since he hasn't been actually diagnosed.. he doesn't have Bipolar and no one should guess and then label him as such.

 

You've had some bad experiences with him in the past perhaps and if it has been going on for 3 1/2 years and he isn't willing to make an effort to work things through or meet you half way in anything... then all you can do is work on yourself to make yourself stronger and healthier.

 

What you choose to do from there, in regards to your relationship with him, is up to you sug.

 

See I'm learning for myself finally, after many years of therapy, that I have no control over other folk's feelings or beliefs or how they react and respond to those.  I can't make anyone feel anything or believe anything or be responsible in how one reacts and responds to their own individual feelings and beliefs.

 

HOWEVER, I am responsible for what I feel and what I believe.  I am also responsible in and how I react and respond to those feelings and beliefs. 

 

I can either react and respond proactively and in a healthy strong manner that is so for me and creates a better situation for those around me or, I can react and respond in a negative and unhealthy manner that certainly does nothing for me, or those around me but, make things worse. 

 

Peace...