Wanting to vent to someone who knows and understands............

By Stacy Ann Thursday, July 16, 2009

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I'm so frustrated. For the past three years I've been in a relationship with Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Until recently it's been Mr. Hyde I've had the pleasure of being with more so than the Dr.

Two months ago "Tom" and I started having problems with our landlord. Our landlord was doing inappropriate things that had to do with me and to make a long story short, we moved out of our home and into our camp trailer. This is when things went from bad to worse.

"Tom" started to resent me. He took out his disappointment and frustration on me because of this situation and soon enough it was my fault that we had to leave our home and there was no way in HELL he was accepting help from anyone regarding the situation we were in.

My best friend offered her side yard for us to park in until we got back up on our feet. Reluctantly and very angrily, Tom finally drove up there and furiously set up the camper. I stayed inside the house to get out of his way. The next few days the tension grew and finally Tom broke and yelled at me calling me the worst girlfriend in the world and threatening to break up with me because I was going against what he wanted to do (from staying at her house and not parking at an RV park or truck stop). I left the trailer, packed up everything that was mine and moved it into the house so that he was free to do what he wanted. Well......... of course I was the bad guy. I broke our relationship up and I was the devil.

Tom, I believe is Bipolar. He has not been diagnosed with the disease due to the fact he will not go to the doctor. I have read that this is part of the disease, and that it's really hard thing to convince a bipolar person they need help. Tom's excuse at first was that he didn't have a problem. I was the one who needed counseling and that I was the one losing it. Upon hearing his excuses I called a counselor and started up sessions for myself. My thought behind this was to show him that I was willing to work on me which in turn would help "us" as a couple and hopefully give him the strength to do it for him self. I also wanted to take that excuse out of his dialogue with me. This way he was not able to use it as an excuse.

So far I am three sessions into my counseling. A lot of the time, women who are in relationships with abusive men are codependent themselves. I've known about my codependence ways because I grew up in a bipolar/alcoholic household. I figure that either way, even if Tom and I can not make it through, I'm still progressing.

I am so angry. I'm so angry that my wonderful boyfriend/best friend/ partner/lover is gone, and I have not seem him in there for a while now. I can see Dr. Jekyll when in Tom. I see it in his eyes. You can tell that it's not the same man, almost in a way like when you see a person's body once their soul has left. He's a hollow shell of a man and so mean, and I'm so terribly lonely.

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Rosebud

7/17/09 11:25am

You story is my story ... sad but true. I was YOU 30 years ago. I'm 50 now. I married the love of my life when I was 20. What did I know about life let alone love .... Ken was the life of the party and I was the shy wall flower. Over the years I have earned a college degree and I have a good job, a nice house, a beautiful 20 year old daughter (officially diagnosed with BP, 3 dogs and a cat and a second home in Myrtle Beach, SC. I have it all EXCEPT I have lived for 30 years with a man who has mad my life hell. We have few (if any) real friends b/c everyone has at one time or another seen the evil side of Ken. I see the EVIL side of Ken every day. He is more verbally abusive than physical, but he has been physically abusive. Why did I stay???? At any given time I could offer up a dozen excuses .... the baby was too young, Alison is school, I can't move into an apartment with 3 dogs. Honey, I prayed every night that he would just die. I am finally to the ;point where I have enough money to move out on my own. Someone once told me that when the ehll you know becomes worse than the ehll you don't know THEN you will make the choice to move on .... that is where I am at right now. PLEASE don't waste your life waiting for things to get better. My husband never had any consequences attached to HIS actions. You';ve move out (good for you!) now tell him it's counseling or it's the highway. You do not deserve to live like this. I know the last thing you want to hear right now is that there are pleanty of other fish in the sea. Give yourself (and him) one year a part from each other .... thats JUST 12 months, and see how and where things go. If you don't push the envelope NOW and take a stand for yourself and for the sake of the children you'll want to have someday, you will wake up one morning 30 years later, used and abused, and wonder how your life spun so badly out of your control. Good luck. We all routing for you out here in cyberspace ..... Rosebud's Mom

Stacy Ann

7/17/09 4:34pm

Thank you very much for your comment. The more I hear from women like me the better I feel about my decisions and steps towards making a change in my life. I wish you the best and give you massive props for surviving as long as you have. My prayers and support are with you.

tabby

7/20/09 1:45am

tom hasn't been actually diagnosed and you are basing his behavior on experience you've had with supposedly others... until he is officially diagnosed, he doesn't have Bipolar.

secondly... given that you've been with him for 3 1/2 years - you've seen his dark side and his light side. this should be nothing new to you.

thirdly... as you posted... you caused the move from the rented home into a tight cramped small trailer camper which likely meant you skipped out on a rental contract, thus causing financial difficulty because you said yourself the "landlord" was doing inappropriate things involving you. You may not have instigated the situation but you were involved in the situation that caused the need to move.

that alone.. caused disruption and transitioning and he went along with it, FOR YOU.

He wanted to live however, in a RV park and manage things on his own - with you - without depending on others for help. YOU on the other hand, wanted to live with your friend in your friend's yard. You didn't say whether your friend was female or male however, you had a big fight no doubt but in the end he reluctantly agreed and angrily set up the camper - FOR YOU.

Yet, cause he was irritated and agitated... you 2 likely had more arguments and spats and YOU packed up your things in a huff and walked across the yard and moved into the house, with your friend, and thus left him in the camper.

So, let's see...

Stress over having to move from the rented home and the landlord who supposedly was causing problems doing supposedly inappropriate things involving girlfriend and thus causing financial problems and having to live in a tight trailer camper

Stress over living in a tight trailer camper

Stress over the fights you 2 have over where to put the camper and living in the camper.

Stress over YOU insisting on moving in with friend while he wants to move into RV park.

Stress over moving in with friend and setting up tight cramped camper.

More fights... more stress... you leave.... more stress

Now... he is in the RV park where he wanted to be all along and you are at your friend's where you wanted to be all along.

so there... you are both where you want to be

the way I read it... he did a lot for you, changed his living arrangement for you to take you out of a supposed situation with a supposed landlord doing inappropriate things, reluctantly agreed to move onto your friend's property for you, and because he wasn't happy and joyful and instead ya'll were stressed out, pissed, agitated, and he said you were a bad girlfriend in all this... you packed your things and left

Stacy Ann

7/20/09 5:37pm

Tabby- At first glance at your reply I have to admit it made my defenses go up, but after reading over it 3 to 4 + times I see where you and of course Tom are coming from, and appreciate your honesty and other point of view. I guess I never looked at it in the way you stated. It's hard for me to see past the anger he puts out and figure out the whole picture, especially when he's in an upset way. I suppose that's why I joined this online group so I could get the answers I have been searching for. Thank you for your help in understanding him. My question now, is how do I show him that I am still learning and that I can make mistakes also? How do I show him I didn't understand at the time and that I was doing the only thing I knew to do to get myself out of a dangerous situation? When someone is abusive you leave.... this is what society tells us to do, but I also can understand how that looks like abandonment in his eyes. I would never intentionally hurt this man but he intentionally hurts me all the time. I did come to the conclusion of him being bipolar easily. It's the only thing I can come up with to explain the anger and mean actions. I know he's a good man inside and almost feel relieved that I came across the explanation, because it means he's not the awful, hurtful man he has been. That it's not his fault. The things that come out of his mouth are hard to take... even if I know it's out of anger that he's saying them. I anger him because I'm too positive, I'm too happy and when someone tells you this all the time you try to do the complete opposite to see if that's what they want/need to be happy. I messed up because I lost me in his sickness and I lost him. Maybe we are not meant to be... maybe I can't help him. All I know is that I've got so much love to give him and we keep fighting. I'm going to counseling to fix what’s wrong with me, and get insight. Is it too much to ask for him to do so also? Seems a bit one sided to me and that's what I'm tired of. The accountability is not there. I admit my faults and apologize for my wrong doing and I wish he would too. What got you to get help for yourself? Have you always lived with Bipolar? How would you like your significant other to cope with your illness in a way that helps you? Anything you can shoot my way will help. Thanks again for your time and insight.

tabby

7/20/09 9:43pm

sug... my reply was coming from my opinion of what I read specifically from what you posted... granted, I may have come on a bit strong and well.. I will apologize for that.

and what I'm replying here is also simply my opinion and you don't have to agree and shouldn't if it doesn't apply anywhere

you 2 went through a lot of upheavel and stress producing circumstances in the last 2 months

stress, chaos, uncertainty, and upheavel will test even the seemingly best relationships to the straining point

I simply reflected to you what I read from your post....

Tom re-arranged his life and living arrangements to something I'm certain wasn't his ideal place to live FOR YOU.

He took you out of a situation that was uncomfortable to you, FOR YOU.

He wanted to live in a park where he'd likely have privacy, wouldn't be watched his every move, and you guys could come and go and you'd live on your own and try to regroup. YET YOU insisted on living in your friend's yard.

You said it was Your friend. You didn't say "our friend". This means or implies that "your friend" wasn't necessarily Tom's friend otherwise, you'd said "our friend" and not "my friend" or "a friend".

Tom reluctantly agreed to live in someone else's yard, though not happy about it, FOR YOU. A place where he likely would feel he had no privacy, his gf would be in and out of her friend's house more often than the camper, and his every move would be watched and/or questioned. Yet, he did this... FOR YOU.

Granted, he made it perhaps known he wasn't happy about the situation and thus made it more miserable for you perhaps... but he still did it FOR YOU.

Under a lot of stress within a relatively short period of time... with chaos, financial issues, and friend's involved that perhaps aren't entirely his as well.... really creates a strenous tenous situation that even the best relationships would likely have trouble with - if not initially - eventually.

I'm not saying you are at fault and should feel any guilt... nor did I mean for any blame to be removed from Tom. You both went at this from internal places.

I'm also not saying the possibility isn't there that perhaps he has Bipolar. You've lived with him, I haven't. What I said was... that since he hasn't been actually diagnosed.. he doesn't have Bipolar and no one should guess and then label him as such.

You've had some bad experiences with him in the past perhaps and if it has been going on for 3 1/2 years and he isn't willing to make an effort to work things through or meet you half way in anything... then all you can do is work on yourself to make yourself stronger and healthier.

What you choose to do from there, in regards to your relationship with him, is up to you sug.

See I'm learning for myself finally, after many years of therapy, that I have no control over other folk's feelings or beliefs or how they react and respond to those. I can't make anyone feel anything or believe anything or be responsible in how one reacts and responds to their own individual feelings and beliefs.

HOWEVER, I am responsible for what I feel and what I believe. I am also responsible in and how I react and respond to those feelings and beliefs.

I can either react and respond proactively and in a healthy strong manner that is so for me and creates a better situation for those around me or, I can react and respond in a negative and unhealthy manner that certainly does nothing for me, or those around me but, make things worse.

Peace...

Wanting to vent to someone who knows and understands............

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