I am amazed at the strength of someone living with bipolar for 17 years. I was diagnosed in 2006 after being rapidly spun into mixed states due to an antidepressent. I had taken antidepressents for many years with no problem. I had three major episodes within five months. I was seeing and hearing things, lost a sense of time and space, was unable to read and write, talk and walk. I am crawling back from that and asking my counselor how can I live with mania and depression my entire life? I am told what to do, but I can't seem to exercise or sleep. I used to meditate with great success, but then obsessive thinking set in and took over my quiet. I am on this roller coaster, and I have always hated real roller coasters. My husband left because of the illness, and I am terrified of love and relationships because I never know who I will be when I wake up in the morning. I always worry about my family and friends. I am so tired of always checking my mental pulse and being so self absorbed. I try to do things for others when I am well. Really, I just want to either be better or sleep. I am a mother and would never kill myself, though I was definitely suicidal during the mixed states due to unbelievable emotional pain. I had no idea that this plateau of pain even existed on this planet Earth. I want to be normal. I was once for a few fleeting seconds and I was amazed that in that moment of clarity, I imagined what some people must feel every day. I know that's imagination, really. But I was grateful for even a few seconds of peace. It gave me hope. I am so used to depression, I am not sure any more how to describe how I have been when I go to the psychiatrist.