John,

I must FIRST thank you for addressing my issues it meant a lot for you to take time to address the things i'm going through and to explain, which you did WONDERFULLY>>>>>>

for uhm it was like you could read me through my post....I am a very very driven person, always was, and always running that 4 minuter tehee...no, no that isn't good....but it has always, and i mean always since i can remember been a part of me...

However, I do want to clear up a few things about me: I do have two degrees (3.95 BA and a 4.0 MA) and the .5 drove me literally NUTSO thinking .5 points daggone me

.....you have it bud, I am am am a marathoner and so so driven...for instance WHILE i was working on the MA i was also working on a custody battle for my stepson which required a LOT of work for the lawyer was uhm 185 and HOUR and we couldn't afford that but nor could we afford to watch my stepson go from shelter, to HORRIDLY SCAREY neighborhoods, and be MISSING for 3 months at a time with no word of where he was or what was going on

so was dealing not only with doing the research and law books (for lawyer agreed to help us out and lower price a little if i did some of the research, searching of files and etc and afterwards literally told me he wished i lived in that state for he'd hire me right now to do his reserach, gee all i needed to hear since i was already uhm OBSESSED with learning)  to fight this battle with my husband and get custody of the child (who was only 7 at the time and very much wanted his daddy and oh how hard it is to get a child from a mother in a custody battle but we won the case, however, at the expense of me burning MANY midnight oils and pushing myself beyond, far beyond limits that i should have attempted)

anyway, at the same time we were building our home..(basically a renovated double wide that was ancient and all walls and floors had to be replaced and added addition in the middle for not so large for it was OLD and we wanted to make it a HOME instead so did the full 2x4 walls, floors etc....oh the pain, literal pain i went through during this process but put to the back of importance of getting it done for my family and my precious girls and get this STILL not completely finsihed!!!) ..BY OURSELVES ME AND MY HUSBAND (i know already tooo much on shoulders but there is more)

I was teaching full time

and doing coaching of cheerleaders,

and raising 2 girls who were very social

and athletically involved and had to be taken to their events,

along with teaching karate, gymnastics

and still trying to write a book of what i was going through at the same time (needless to say the BOOK was the one that faltered and still has yet to be completed) but anyway,

that is an example of how driven and how manic i was,

then there were days i would literally stand in front of my closet and BAWL for i had to pick out something to wear to work and know that i had to don that mask as soon as i left the house for children don't need to be subjected to my own personal demons and oh how i loved the children....

BUT you are right on the nail when you say that workplaces aren't conducive all the time to any disorder of the mind.

I was asked to retire or to resign, I REFUSED to resign and get this there was literally a petition of the kids and parents that felt i was the only one that understood their children when they found out (remember i live in a very very small town and I didn't let the cat out of the bag but obviously someone did, which also ticked me off)

but I had had a total break in the TEACHERS bathroom after i FELT the onset of the mood swing coming (so have been in tune with the changes that are warning me it's coming but can't stop em....went to that bathroom to utilize a coping skill that i didn't even know was one yet for i refused to go to a pdoc and thought that everyone else was a problem NOT ME>..couldn't be ME.....look at what i've accomplished i kept telling myself..... i know gradiosity...but at the time i had no idea)

ANYWAY a really good friend ONE out of many staffers is the one whom i asked to watch my room full of 32 kids at time for you can't leave a room unattended, well when i didn't return in what she thought was a good amount of time she came to check on me, used her own personal key and found me curled in the corner bawling and shaking,a nd well, basically breaking........

BUT my regular med doc had been telling me it was coming if i didn't seek psychological help and told me i was what she thought BP and i literally got TICKED at her for even saying it!!! But after that break and after the help of ONE friend in the system I decided it best for me to take a break....so i took a sabbatical....well, in the process i went to a pdoc and sought help...

BUT when the administration found out, and don't ask me how they did, they did though, they said i was a and i quote here "liability" to their school system and that I had to decide to try for disability through the state system (teachers must go through the state first) OR resign and oh i then of course had an anger outburst for i was helping and reaching so many kids that others literally just shunned because of their "parents or their parents past or their monetary status"

trust me BIAS is alive and well in the educational system something i WELL and FULLY completely know for SURE

......but anyway, THEN I go to the STRS which then sent me to THEIR doctors instead of taking the 3 pdocs i went to here for diagnosis...(for i still couldn't believe i was bp even though i heard and saw things i thought that was normal, even though i cycle very rapidly i just assumed it was passion, even though i'd reach lows so low i couldn't make it to work on regular basis i'd been diagnosed with everything from fibro to cfs and even have 7 lesions on the brain and am under watch for possible MS onset)
ANYWAY they sent me to their pdoc and their physcial docs and their reg Md's said YES she's disabled in this sense and another,

 but the pdoc (of whom i reported to the Mental health board) literally wrote that i had pd nos, and then said that I could function in a classroom.....I appealed her decision and the second time was the worst for they sent me back to the SAME PDOC although i requested another to evaluate....

there were many on the list....but no, they sent me back to her, and she said "Why are you trying to get out of teaching and working like the rest of us have to?" and then she asked if i did reading and told her yeah everyday i read the bible (i live in the bible belt and am a strong believer) anyway she said "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" told her a coping skill i was learning to use with my pdoc back here...and she literally said "OH IN WV huh? (remember this is directly across the Ohio and where i had to go to get pdoc)  What do they know really....it is the fad to be religious in that area and THEY are what's affecting you! Well, I think you can work and these mood changes, we all go through them, just suck it up when you feel your going to cry or take your anger out on something else when you feel it coming and just deal with it"  

OH MY GOSH I about lost it, i left there feeling to be honest SUICIDAL like i was some kind of freak that just couldn't uhm shake it off , that i was some kind of bum that was trying to squelch off the system......and yet i knew as did my husband (this is a 3 hour drive from my home by the way for she was in Columbus) and he all the way home was like YOU KNOW what you feel, please honey don't let her get you to this point, it's alright....it's alright...(he is a disabled vet and we all know how they are often misunderstood also so he thoroughly understood)

Oh the comfort he was trying to give but i literally went basically catatonic into my own worldd per say..staring, not answering,numb and tears falling unbeknownst to me even except when he'd reach across and wipe them away as they fell ever so often for he was driving to drive at the same time poor guy geez....

....so obviously strs turned me down for a disability even though the school themselves WROTE A LETTER from the Super. saying that they felt I needed and deserved a disability and that I'd tried to be at work each day and couldn't do it or had to leave early far to much and it was a disruption to the children to have subs so often........but strs stood their ground....when i asked their reason i was told and i quote again "WE DON"T HAVE TO GIVE YOU A REASON READ YOUR DATA ON STRS" and HUNG UP ON ME!! ARGH!!!
SO now I am no longer teaching, I am going to therapy 2 times a week, I am under a great pdocs care, and therapist too, along with group therapy, and utilizing skills that have brought me eons from the funk that left me in.......

but no John i hate to report that I am not a person who can work.....not just in the educational realm, but really I know myself pretty well inthe sense of my abilities and limits and think that's important for us all.....

but anyway, I also not only deal with bp but also with ocd, paranoria, tactiles, rapid mood cycling, and mixed mood stages, along with sleep disorders, rls,anxiety disorder, panic attacks and so forth....so full blown, not sure sometimes just how to deal with it all,

 but i tell you what you said about the EXTREME rapid cycling is ME>>>HOW you picked up on that is amazing....i had never heard of the title you gave that before and trust me this type A personality will be researching it even more to see if the meds im on are what will help or not.....and by the way I just went to your website and am in the process of receiving your newsletter it sure looks like an awesome and wonderful place for answers, understanding, and information and I thank you in advance for that...

BUT John, your reaching out, your taking time for ME and for your knowledge so generously shared has really touched me beyond words...

I am taking all your advice to heart and working on it so much.....

it is true that we all have so much to offer, that we all are dealing with something in life and to be honest i think this is the lesser of MANY evils to deal with so I am fortunate there...

However, I can no longer work, my bp has progressed, even pdoc and therapist are working diligently to help thwart this.....but also they tell me the length i waited to get diagnosed, the length of time i was on ONLY antidepressants (get this i was on 63 different medications before i finally said WHOA nothing's working perhaps i do need a pdoc)  from my med doc who really knew of nothing else to help me for i refused pdoc due to an unfounded fear of the psych world due to a silly thing ( I watched one flew over the cuckoos nest once when younger and uhm it affected me beyond words for years so i kept silent.......just assumed that OTHERS were the ones that were weird, really did......)

It is hard to understand the mixed stages the most....i mean my body says one thing, then the mind another, and the hallucinations, delusions, etc bombard and i mean BOMBARD me ......and the extreme rapid cycling is so confusing too, I mean one person one hour and then maybe 4 later another mood stage now that is FREAKY for the one going through it can't imagine what those that love me so think....

BUT you are so right also that I have such a great support system, my husband actually went out and bought me a hand held recorder so that i could record the thoughts that run so quickly and fast through my head (which helps me to get them out like journaling) for those times i wasn't around a pen and pencil or computer, and he got me a drawing pad with awesome media to go with it to express myself through drawing that he knows i love

.....so many times we've had those heart to heart talks of "do you see this? do you think that? do you believe this or that? do you understand what i mean by" and oh boy it just helps to bounce it off someone who CARES deeply and with their wholeheart and won't judge ya when you let it out.......he is also the source of the 4 wheeler we utilize to get me out into the nature that so soothes my soul....(after daddy passed we both are apiarist, he worked with daddy on the hives and now i've learned the art and oh my it is one of the biggest coping things i do but only seasonal mind you but oh beekeeping has been such a joy to me it is undescribable....so he is a great support....unbelievable really)

So I must say YOU ARE ALMOST INTUITIVE JOHN>>>>you got me pegged more than i even had myself figured out....how the heck??teheee

but seriously I fully and completey intend on utilizing your site, this site and my THIRST< HUNGER for knowledge and learning

....get this my new years resolution (which i don't usually do ) is to learn something new each day...nno matter how small or how silly it may see to others but it is ingrained in me somehow.....I just can't fight the intensity at which i go at things even when so depressed the limbs feel like made of lead...

but also i must share when i lost my light source, the only other person who ever accepted me for ME , my daddy, well, I lost 55 lbs, forgot to take my medications for he was in the VA hosptial for 2 weeks before passing and i spent every moment at his side or at his feet rubbing them and being his support and believe me he'd have been upset if knew i'd forgotten my meds but i didn't even realize it myself due to the intensity i was fighting to somehow find an answer to save him....but ended up me getting kicked out one day for jumping a doctor that wasn't being very compassionate with my dad, and a run in with a police who was called because i visited a docs office there that had given him medication and just sent him home to die basically and if only that man had NOT done that I can't help but wonder...for daddy's conditon was treatable at THAT time...but progressed from there...

 but i so remember him telling me back when i lived at home, "don't worry that they don't understand you, all that matters is that you understand yourself and that you stay close to God. I don't care what you wear, what you do I love you forever no matter what so don't let em get to ya hon." OHHHH HOw those words ring in my ears.....and oh how the comfort came no matter what crisis i might have been going through at the time.....

now, he wasn't bp nor anyone in HIS family have a mi (my mothers side had LOTS) but he was the ONE who understood.......the one that didn't judge EVER and loved me no matter what, once i lost him, well, i felt so broken, so isolated persay......then my husband really steppped up and has become my shelter in all the storms and is beyond explaination in his support of me.

But that is a little of "me" so you can see how i mean that i am just not understanding some of this.....my intelligence tells me one thing, and my mind and body tells me yet another.....it is a fine balance they say between the two.....and well, i guess my life experiences and the late diagnosis and the wrong meds, and the intensity at which my bp has reached  has so confused me sometimes....

JOHN THANK YOU FOR looking between the words, beneath the surface of the veil, beneath the questions and into the cries for help....it is a rare and valued talent you have my friend and because of your insight and your continued determination to help those of us who haven't had it as long as you....and you being as successful as you are...well it is a great great comfort, encouragament and a direction......

THAT IS WHAT I SO NEEDED  a direction......and understanding of how when the triggers are there....time to intervene, my therapist is now working on making it where I utilize those coping skills every day and don't wait for the onset of triggers.....

I did by the way look back over my journals and well, to be honest with 8 deaths in a years time, a suicide of friend (not included in the 8 mentioned previously), the stress of the ss trial coming up and new lawyer whom i don't feel is fully understanding at all yet one of the best in our area, and the things my precious children experience (for i internalize their feelings and so want to make the world beter place for all and that is an issue i'm dealing with too with therapist, for i have this misquided idea that i can help everyone, part of the reason the staffers at school didn't like me was thekids came to me on their FREE time just to talk or just to be near me for they actually said and i quote "youare the only one that cares enough to listen" they'd actually come from other grade levels and listen to my lectures and class even though already through my grade just to be there with me....so i know i had compassion and empathy (and these were mostly the "rejected " kids or the "poorest of poor" and trust me when i say poor i mean like one child had NO internal plumbing and was using a HOLE out back of her house to use the bathroom....but intervention I started got her some help and an inside bathroom....kids like that is what i speak of....)

 ANYWAY geez...I guess I wrote a book here, but JOHN you so helped and I am going to research information on the extreme cycling moods and trust me that is ME TO A TEE I won't be the same in 2 hours there is NO DOUBT and yeah i feel it coming but only can counteract it with what i'm learning as coping skills and hope to learn more from you here and from you on your website and those others on here that care so much....

It means a lot to dedicate a website to just us bps and for that I THANK YOU SO MUCH I KNOW IT TAKES UP MOST OF YOUR TIME BEYOND WORDS and being bp that has to be difficult but lookat how successful you are  i APPLAUD YOU  MY FRIEND>>>>

CONGRATS!!!

and thanks so very much for the kind heart you have...for the reaching out to me....i grasp hold of that hand tightly my friend....and will keep reading your informative posts...please never stop for those ctrygirls out there like me....

YOU TOUCHed  A MIND AND HEART TODAY (so reach behind and pat yourself on the back my friend, for this one needed it so much).....

so shines a good deed in a weary weary world....

Sincerely and with great appreciation...

I'll be reading and posting on more of your posts i'm sure but promise to keep it shorter.....ooopss sorry...

your friend

ctrygirl

Ask the Expert Patient

3/ 3/08 1:12am

Hi, ctrygirl. Thanks so much for your kind and gracious reply. I’ll have you know I actually followed my own advice today. I took a break from the computer. I played water volleyball. I sat in the hot tub. I talked to people. I spent a day forgetting that I was John McManamy with a huge backload of work and a million things to do before I head off this week to my daughter’s wedding in New Zealand.

On one hand I couldn’t afford to take the time off. On the other hand I couldn’t afford NOT to. I had a great day, I’ve rebooted my brain, and I made the right choice.

Sounds like you’ve been running a TWO-minute mile. What happened to the .5 points? You flunk gym or something? :)

Seriously, you are awesome accomplishing so much with so much bad stuff going on in your life, plus being a mom, plus having to deal with the humiliation and trauma of cold and heartless people dumping two tons of bricks on your head.

I know somehow you are not going to let what has happened defeat you. You may not be able to teach again, but you will rebound, probably in unexpected ways. Bipolars are the most talented people on earth. We gave humankind the gift of civilization - see how they pay us back?

There are two ways to go now that you are not working: 1) You can slide into a rut and become depressed and basically not come out of it for years - this has happened to me and a good many people. 2) You can use the time-out to your own advantage and personal healing and growth - this has also happened to me and a good many other people.

You mention the Bible. My favorite Book is Ecclesiastes. One passage reads something like: “In dealing with men it is God’s purpose to test them to see what they are made of.”

It’s the only explanation I can think of for why bad things happen to good people.

I also draw comfort from Paul in 2d Corinthians, where he talks of being shipwrecked and imprisoned and set upon by mobs and having to endure many hardships and privations. Paul at this stage is not the confident Paul of early Letters. He  thinks his mission has been a failure. God really really tests his most dedicated servants.

I guess what I’m saying is that what you’ve been through is a personal badge of honor. You might want to try returning to work on that book of yours. My guess is it will energize you and will be a very healing exercise. Also, help yourself to big doses of guilt-free “me” time.

Re rapid-cycling - the research is pathetically dismal. I’ll put together one more Ask the Expert Patient with rapid-cycling as the topic before heading off to New Zealand, so stay tuned ...