Its been almost 2 weeks since the incident with my sister. I'm doing better than I was that night but I still cant get ahold of my emotions. Last Sunday was a really bad day. I wont say much because I dont want to hurt any ones feelings.It started out out with me being really tired. I just wanted to be left alone and spend my day in peace. But my loved ones seemed to think there was more to it. I felt like I was trapped, like I was letting everyone down. I became really upset. I needed to vent, or let out my emotions in some other way. I started crying and then I started punching my pillow. I was starting to feel a little better but then I saw a small glass bowl on my dresser. I dont know, I just felt like I had to throw it. Afterwards I felt scared. What had come over me. I havent been this emotional in years. So I called another friend to stay with me. But I was so emotional that I was thinking strait. When she arrived I autonatically started to hate myself. Why did she have to come? I can take care of myself, cant I ?Omg! It was just a crazy day.
I've felt fine since then. But I still feel like I could crack any minute. I think that I need more meds. Maybe a higher dosage of lamictal. Also I just got out of the hospital about a month ago. That could be part of it too.
Heyla, I don't have any advice to give, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I've been there. After a few times of throwing things and then having to clean them up when I was feeling better, I manage to not do it anymore (at least not with things that will break!). I'd give a lot to have a speed bag to go at on days like those!
You have a lot going on, and every now and then it is okay to break down and cry and hit your pillow or a punching bag, IMHO. Sometimes, I think, we just need a way to let the pent up emotions out. When I was going through some intensive therapy, I'd do the same thing, and then afterwards I was usually clearheaded enough to think about whatever was going on to cause it and think things through. I was lucky enough to have my DH (at the time boyfriend) be very supportive and willing to listen or let me cry on his shoulder. And it sounds like you've got some good friends who would probably be willing to do the same.
I find that when things happen that I cannot do much about, like the situation with your sister, remembering the Serenty Prayer helps a lot.
Keeping you in my prayers,
Karri28