I've been thinking about this alot since I came out of the hospital this last time. I've had 4 suicide attempts so far. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it to 30. I dont really have money but I have a few material possessions. Mostly I am thinking about what they should do with my body. I've been thinking about it for awhile. This is what I want: I dont want a funeral. I want to be cremated. This will be a big issue with my family. I have a huge family. They tend to make a big deal about how things should be done. I dont want the talk(whats that called?) to be at a funeral home. I want it to be at church. Or if that cant be arranged then it should be at a family members house Then I want my ashes to be scattered in St. Augustine. That is where we went for our 4th anniversary. It was the last time that I was actually happy. Is it weird that have I these wishes?
Should I have a Will?
I have read your last five posts and I am EXTREMELY concerned about you. Emotionally you are all over the place and seemingly spiraling out of control if there is any control about you now. The fact that you are posting about what should be done with your remains is like flashing red neon arrows towards suical ideation.
Roughly 15% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder end their lives in suicide. I pray that you are not going to be amongst this statistic. You mention that you have a large family that makes a big deal over things. Envision each of their faces, one by one. You will be victimizing each of these people who care about you by murdering yourself. Put yourself in your sister's place for example. Obviously she loves you regardless of the drama of the day. Now imagine that you have committed suicide. What emotions would you assign to her? Hurt? Shame? Guilt? Sorrow? Remorse? Anger? Powerlessness? Now multiply those emotions and assign them to everyone in your family, each of your friends, your neighbors, your doctors. To some degree or another, each of these people will be left with the above feelings and more. How long does it take one person to recover from such feelings. How long would it take for everyone to heal? I psychiatrist friend of mine was talking about one of her patients, the sibling of a person who had committed suicide. The doctor said that even after treating this woman for two years, the doctor himself wished to pull the suicide victim from the grave and smack him around, shake him by the shoulders, for what the suicide had done to the sister. Your victims will be many... even ones you don't imagine. Even here you are valued. This website will never be the same without your posts.
Get outside of your own head and pull it together, no matter what it takes. If you have to go back to the hospital, do it. If you have to tie yourself to the chair and sob until you can go onto the next moment, do it. Whatever it takes to get you through this mood cycle without hurting yourself or others, do it.
Should one have a will? Absolutely. Even in the simplest of cases, probate can go on for years without a will. This is not the time for you to do it though. Don't give away any of your possessions, make a will, arrange for organ donation or give away GPS cooridinates for your ashes. Instead do something today to represent life. Create. Send an old friend a card. Post a message of encouragement to another. Live.
I have six years since my last suicide attempt. I called my mother, told her goodbye and then overdosed by a pool at a hotel. I was a "Jane Doe" in the hospital since I was found with no identification. I was on a ventilator breathing for me for five days in intensive care but for those five days, my mother had no idea whether I was dead or alive. Six years later, my mother is still in therapy and on anti-depressants related to the trauma that she suffered those five days of not knowing whether her only daughter was dead or alive. Don't make me wonder about you. I don't even know you and am terrified for you. Continue to post so that you don't traumatize me the way I did my mom.
You are not alone..... ever.
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I do not say this often to folks here who post on this website and I usually do this in via PM. Yet, I'm choosing to do this here... in the open, so to speak.
I am greatly concerned for you and your emotional, mental, and physical well being.
I think AND THIS IS ONLY WHAT I THINK CAUSE I'M NO PROFESSIONAL - I am only a fellow traveler on this journey into what other's might say is madness called Bipolar....
you are not appearing, via your Shareposts, that you have found stabilization as of yet and that the meds you may be taking are not completely where they should be as of yet
I am concerned about your Sharepost that is posted along with this one and now this one in particular that speaks of planning what to do with your body when you are dead and reminding yourself that you've been through 4 suicide attempts.
I only say this because when I am seriously conciously and/or subconsciously looking for a way out... I tend to start thinking about my funeral, where to be buried, I start planning it, I start dictating where I want to be and I start picturing it as if to prepare myself or to convince myself that I'm preparing it all for those left behind so they won't have to deal with the details... you know... tying up the loose ends for them to perhaps make it easier on them as a last loving jesture so to speak.
I've done wills, I've done letters, I've made out handwritten lists to leave my others.
I DO NOT KNOW, if this is truly the case IN YOUR CASE but I do know what it is to survive suicide impulses/attempts, to go through hospitalizations and to return home, and how it feels not to have any solid footing on any solid ground where I may grab hold for any length of time because of it.
IF this is not the case with you... then I apologize deeply and sincerely.
YET IF THIS IS the case with you.... then I urge you to seek your pdoc and/or a ER asap.