I'm ok. Really.

I can understand and relate to what you are writing.  I too am BP with suicidal tendancies, tho I haven't had any "real" suicide thoughts since last December.  Yeah me!

Three years when I was 17 I was officially diagnosed with BP following my first (of several) suicide attempts that summer after graduation.  I suffer with (or from) rapid cycling, but looking back over my life I have always had severe mood swings.  I guess the stars, the moon and all the planets aligned in such a way that summer the I fell into a very deep depression.  I felt helpless, hopeless and consumed with thoughts of suicide.  First I planned it out and ran the senario over and over in my head.  Then I started racing down lonely country roads at night hoping to hit or be hit by something.  Then one night I did hit something .... a pole.  After that things were completely out of my hands.  I was taken to the ER, a crisis center, a hospital behavioral center and finally my Mom had me admitted into an intensive out-patient program for teens in crisis.  There I had one-on-one and group therapy, I met with a pdoc twice a week, had medication perscribed and attended family counseling.  It all helped for a while, but those darn pesky suicidal thoughts were never far out of mind.  When things got too much to handle, I tried to kill myself again.  It has been a long process getting my arms around this disorder, learning about how it affects "me" - what I can and can't do I like drinking alcohol .... big no, no! and scrapebooking and journeling and spending lots of time outside with friends and family .... Big yes, yes!!  I'm a beachbum.  I love to feel the cool wet sand in my toes and hear the ocean.  I'm severely affected by seasonal changes.  I fluncted out of college TWICE.  Now I'm on a good medication combo (Lamictal and Lithium)  I lost all the weight I gained from the Abilify and Prozak.  I have a boyfriend and two puggle puppes (beagle/ppug mix).  These days I don't feel too good or too bad.  I feel "balanced".  I still have good and bad emotional days, but the bad days are not nearly as bad as they were 6 months ago.  Every day I try to look at all the positives in my life.  It's not always easy.  I'm returning to school in September for Verterinary Technician certification course at the local vocational school.  I love animals and I work in a vet office.  Some times little baby steps are all I can manage.  I have just a few good, close friends who understand me because they've taken the time to read about BP disorder.  Through education comes understanding and through understanding comes acceptance.  Hang in there.  Like my Mom tells me all the time, "There is light at the end of your tunnel and it's probably not a freight train coming to run you over."  Keep writing - even if it is only on your "good" days.  We're all routing for you out here in cyberspace!!

When I was diagnosed manic with psychotic tendencies last May 2008 at the age of 49 (no history of mental illness), I started on the merry-go-round of med experiments to find the combo that worked for me.  I had never considered suicide until I went on some of those meds.  The absolute worst was Haldol, which was prescribed at a very high dose of 5 mg to get the voices in my head to go away. After about a week, I started crying uncontrollably and seriously contemplated suicide. Had I had a means, I would have done it immediately without question. Unlike what the general population thinks, the suicide thought isnt a response to a particular situation. There was no reason for my suicide thoughts. They were entirely medication induced. My family was scared to death. They did a kind of "suicide watch" on me. The strange thing was that I didn't want to inconveniece my psychiatrist by calling his emergency number to tell him about my suicide thoughts. My husband finally insisted that I call him (or he would), and of course my dr. was very happy that I called. He blamed the Haldol, and immediately pulled me off it, but that drug took several days to clear out of my system. After the drug left me, the suicide thoughts have not returned. The depression has occasionally returned, also med-induced), but not the suicide desire.  So my point is that your suicide thoughts are probably induced by a chemical inbalance like the Haldol induced in me. The trick is to work closely with your psychiatrist to find the combo of meds that rebalances your body chemistry, which will eliminate the suicide thoughts for the most part. My advice is to keep working closely with your psychiatrist to find that magic bullet. It's out there, but it takes patience to find it. And when you do, you'll feel so much better. 

I was also diagnosed at 26, the same year I got married.  For along time I thought of my wedding day as the start of the end of my life.  It was not due my husband that I originally got depressed, but it just seemed like it all started then.  I had alot of stress from paying and planning my wedding. 

Now I am 43, and even though I had about four cycles of Depression/Mania during the first few year after I was diagnosed, things have gotten better.  My grandfather killed himself at 39, my uncle had electric shock treatment when he was 18, my Mom was diagnosed in her 30's and my identical twin sister has Bi-polar II (eventhough she is in total denial).  I learned, after spending about two weeks in a Manic Psychotic mode, to take the medication without fail.  Go to doctor when you start feeling too bad, too good, or you don't sleep through the night for two days in a row.

You will learn to monitor yourself and things will get better!!!!  Trust me!!!!