I'm ok. Really.

Wow. I dont even know where to begin. I just read all the comments from my last post. It seems everyone is extremely worried about me. But I want to assure everyone that I'm fine. I tend to only write on my bad days since this is my way of venting. Unfortunetly, this means that you dont get to see me on my good days, or at least on my ok days. Last couple weeks I feel ok..not at all suicidal and only slightly depressed. Yes, death has been on my mind lately, but not because I want to die. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. But death seems to be all around me. I've had 4 suicide attemps, been baker acted 5 times. ( all this in only a little over 2 years) I think that gives me cause to be worried. Besides, the main reason death has been on my mind lately is because I've been reading this book: Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison. Its mostly statistics and the history of suicide. But it made my husband nervous so I stopped reading it. But after reading a few chapters this made me start thinking about whether or not I should have a will.
I'm still new to this whole being bipolar thing. I used to think I was like this because of my not so good childhood. But now, about 4 psychiatrists have told me that I'm polar. In these last 2 years I've been on a lot of medications and different doses such as: wellbutrin, paxil, xanax, depokote, topomax, and currently lamictal with seroquel xr. And I still dont think I've got it right yet.
I really really hate being bipolar. Almost immedietly I was labeled as 'crazy'. And this is by own family. I even had an aunt tell me that bipolar and all mental illnesses are not real. She told me I just need to talk it out with my Dad and then I'll be better. My husband seems to think that I just need to find the right meds and then I'll be cured forever. I hate changing meds all the time. I've gained 40 LBS since this whole thing started. Also,my last 2 suicide attempts were blamed on a bad med combo by all the docs involved.
And yes I know that my mood is all over the place. And I hate it everytime I lose control of them. Because then I have to apolagize and I feel really bad but cant change the past. So yes I know I'm a big mess right now but I'm trying to be as normal as I can. I dont think I need a babysitter( like my  close friends seem to think). I dont like taking my meds, seeing all these doctors, and going to therapy but I do it. I really am trying. I just feel like I'm being smothered by all my well-meaning friends. And I will continue to write because it makes me feel better. And most of all I really appreciate all the comments I receive. I dont always like what I read but I know I needed to hear it. So thank-you and thanks for letting me vent.