Wow. I dont even know where to begin. I just read all the comments from my last post. It seems everyone is extremely worried about me. But I want to assure everyone that I'm fine. I tend to only write on my bad days since this is my way of venting. Unfortunetly, this means that you dont get to see me on my good days, or at least on my ok days. Last couple weeks I feel ok..not at all suicidal and only slightly depressed. Yes, death has been on my mind lately, but not because I want to die. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. But death seems to be all around me. I've had 4 suicide attemps, been baker acted 5 times. ( all this in only a little over 2 years) I think that gives me cause to be worried. Besides, the main reason death has been on my mind lately is because I've been reading this book: Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison. Its mostly statistics and the history of suicide. But it made my husband nervous so I stopped reading it. But after reading a few chapters this made me start thinking about whether or not I should have a will.
I'm still new to this whole being bipolar thing. I used to think I was like this because of my not so good childhood. But now, about 4 psychiatrists have told me that I'm polar. In these last 2 years I've been on a lot of medications and different doses such as: wellbutrin, paxil, xanax, depokote, topomax, and currently lamictal with seroquel xr. And I still dont think I've got it right yet.
I really really hate being bipolar. Almost immedietly I was labeled as 'crazy'. And this is by own family. I even had an aunt tell me that bipolar and all mental illnesses are not real. She told me I just need to talk it out with my Dad and then I'll be better. My husband seems to think that I just need to find the right meds and then I'll be cured forever. I hate changing meds all the time. I've gained 40 LBS since this whole thing started. Also,my last 2 suicide attempts were blamed on a bad med combo by all the docs involved.
And yes I know that my mood is all over the place. And I hate it everytime I lose control of them. Because then I have to apolagize and I feel really bad but cant change the past. So yes I know I'm a big mess right now but I'm trying to be as normal as I can. I dont think I need a babysitter( like my close friends seem to think). I dont like taking my meds, seeing all these doctors, and going to therapy but I do it. I really am trying. I just feel like I'm being smothered by all my well-meaning friends. And I will continue to write because it makes me feel better. And most of all I really appreciate all the comments I receive. I dont always like what I read but I know I needed to hear it. So thank-you and thanks for letting me vent.
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I'm ok. Really.
8/23/09 9:53pm
When I was diagnosed manic with psychotic tendencies last May 2008 at the age of 49 (no history of mental illness), I started on the merry-go-round of med experiments to find the combo that worked for me. I had never considered suicide until I went on some of those meds. The absolute worst was Haldol, which was prescribed at a very high dose of 5 mg to get the voices in my head to go away. After about a week, I started crying uncontrollably and seriously contemplated suicide. Had I had a means, I would have done it immediately without question. Unlike what the general population thinks, the suicide thought isnt a response to a particular situation. There was no reason for my suicide thoughts. They were entirely medication induced. My family was scared to death. They did a kind of "suicide watch" on me. The strange thing was that I didn't want to inconveniece my psychiatrist by calling his emergency number to tell him about my suicide thoughts. My husband finally insisted that I call him (or he would), and of course my dr. was very happy that I called. He blamed the Haldol, and immediately pulled me off it, but that drug took several days to clear out of my system. After the drug left me, the suicide thoughts have not returned. The depression has occasionally returned, also med-induced), but not the suicide desire. So my point is that your suicide thoughts are probably induced by a chemical inbalance like the Haldol induced in me. The trick is to work closely with your psychiatrist to find the combo of meds that rebalances your body chemistry, which will eliminate the suicide thoughts for the most part. My advice is to keep working closely with your psychiatrist to find that magic bullet. It's out there, but it takes patience to find it. And when you do, you'll feel so much better.
8/23/09 11:22pm
Thanks for your comment. I completely agree. My 1st suicide attempt was due to severe depression. I was on no meds before then. After that my suicide attempts have been impulsive. All the docs agreed that the med combo I was on was to blame. Thats why I've been on so many different meds in a short period of time. I'm still looking for the right one. Well, thank-u and take care.
8/24/09 10:14pm
Hi: You said that you've tried many different drugs in a short span of time. From that comment, I'm concerned that you might not be working with a competent psychiatarist. Psychiatrists are worth their weight in gold because they know what drugs or combo to try for specific situations, and they know what to do if those drugs don't work. Coming from a (mental) hospitalization, I was sent to a superb psychiatrist who has been working with me for over a year now. It was a tough year, but it was worth it. No more manic. No more voices.The bad news is that the drugs that work (psychotics and mood stabilizers) take weeks or months to kick in. Which is why so many don't get stabilized. But to abandon a med before it's at full strength is a mistake. You don't know for sure whether it worked. I take a combo of four drugs (Seroquel, Lamictal, Welbutrin, and Risperdol). But finding that combo that worked took months. I know it's extremely hard to stay with it while your body's getting used to some of the (awful) side effects. But the side effects generally disappear over the course of a month. I know it seems like the longest month in the history of mankind waiting for the side effects to go away and the drug to kick in full strength. It's terribly difficult. But think how much better your life will be after you've stabilized.
8/31/09 4:29pm
I was also diagnosed at 26, the same year I got married. For along time I thought of my wedding day as the start of the end of my life. It was not due my husband that I originally got depressed, but it just seemed like it all started then. I had alot of stress from paying and planning my wedding.
Now I am 43, and even though I had about four cycles of Depression/Mania during the first few year after I was diagnosed, things have gotten better. My grandfather killed himself at 39, my uncle had electric shock treatment when he was 18, my Mom was diagnosed in her 30's and my identical twin sister has Bi-polar II (eventhough she is in total denial). I learned, after spending about two weeks in a Manic Psychotic mode, to take the medication without fail. Go to doctor when you start feeling too bad, too good, or you don't sleep through the night for two days in a row.
You will learn to monitor yourself and things will get better!!!! Trust me!!!!
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I can understand and relate to what you are writing. I too am BP with suicidal tendancies, tho I haven't had any "real" suicide thoughts since last December. Yeah me!
Three years when I was 17 I was officially diagnosed with BP following my first (of several) suicide attempts that summer after graduation. I suffer with (or from) rapid cycling, but looking back over my life I have always had severe mood swings. I guess the stars, the moon and all the planets aligned in such a way that summer the I fell into a very deep depression. I felt helpless, hopeless and consumed with thoughts of suicide. First I planned it out and ran the senario over and over in my head. Then I started racing down lonely country roads at night hoping to hit or be hit by something. Then one night I did hit something .... a pole. After that things were completely out of my hands. I was taken to the ER, a crisis center, a hospital behavioral center and finally my Mom had me admitted into an intensive out-patient program for teens in crisis. There I had one-on-one and group therapy, I met with a pdoc twice a week, had medication perscribed and attended family counseling. It all helped for a while, but those darn pesky suicidal thoughts were never far out of mind. When things got too much to handle, I tried to kill myself again. It has been a long process getting my arms around this disorder, learning about how it affects "me" - what I can and can't do I like drinking alcohol .... big no, no! and scrapebooking and journeling and spending lots of time outside with friends and family .... Big yes, yes!! I'm a beachbum. I love to feel the cool wet sand in my toes and hear the ocean. I'm severely affected by seasonal changes. I fluncted out of college TWICE. Now I'm on a good medication combo (Lamictal and Lithium) I lost all the weight I gained from the Abilify and Prozak. I have a boyfriend and two puggle puppes (beagle/ppug mix). These days I don't feel too good or too bad. I feel "balanced". I still have good and bad emotional days, but the bad days are not nearly as bad as they were 6 months ago. Every day I try to look at all the positives in my life. It's not always easy. I'm returning to school in September for Verterinary Technician certification course at the local vocational school. I love animals and I work in a vet office. Some times little baby steps are all I can manage. I have just a few good, close friends who understand me because they've taken the time to read about BP disorder. Through education comes understanding and through understanding comes acceptance. Hang in there. Like my Mom tells me all the time, "There is light at the end of your tunnel and it's probably not a freight train coming to run you over." Keep writing - even if it is only on your "good" days. We're all routing for you out here in cyberspace!!