relationships

I found out why husband won't come home..advice?

mom2twins Community Member May 25, 2008
  • Hi again; as some of you already know my recently diagnosed husband has been living with his parents for the last 7 months.  I see him or speak to him almost everyday.  He started taking Depatoke 2.5 weeks ago and I am already noticing a difference in him.  He has told me that his feelings for me are starting to come back and that he is certain that he loves me...but he feels incredibily anxious when he is around me.  He admitted that he is  afraid to hurt me more than he has already.."what if he takes off again"? is what he says.   I told him that I have researched all I can about Bipolar , I even bought the book "Loving someone with Bipolar Disorder".  I told him that I loved him and that I would do what it took to make this relationship work eg: try to avoid the triggers..give him TONS of space..see his psychiatrist with him so that she can give me tips on coping stategies.  My question is.....is there anything else i can do to let my husband know that it is safe to come home.  We have 2 wonderful 18 year old twin boys and we have been married 20 years.  He is worth keeping despite this horrible illness.

4 Comments
  • Anonymous
    mrln
    Jun. 11, 2008

    I can tell you from my own experience, I've been married for 11 years, my husband is bipolar but refuses any kind of medication, we separated 10 months ago and soon we'll be getting a divorce, I love my husband with all my heart, however the man he turns into I can't stand. I used to talk everyday with him, just like you. You can read, and research and do everything...

    RHMLucky777

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    I can tell you from my own experience, I've been married for 11 years, my husband is bipolar but refuses any kind of medication, we separated 10 months ago and soon we'll be getting a divorce, I love my husband with all my heart, however the man he turns into I can't stand. I used to talk everyday with him, just like you. You can read, and research and do everything in your power, it will not help. Yes, you adquired knowledge, but if he does not want to take care and reponsibility for HIS dicease there is nothing you can do but drive yourself crazier with worry and anguish. It breaks my heart to see my marriage down the tubs, but he wants it one day and the next he did not. I was in an emotional seesaw, I decided to take care of myself. I do believe he did not ask for a divorce before because I was or am a security blanket, make sure that is not your case, my husband has been talking to women over the cell phone for months, I don't know what else has he done. But he enjoys the single/married status. I don't know about your husband's parents are they supportive? do they believe you? if you have that support maybe you have a better chance than I did. But first and foremost take care of yourself.

  • Anonymous
    tabby
    May. 25, 2008

    I'm with Hopeful Mom about not falling into the trap of being "mommy" to him or "nurse" for that matter.

     

    He'll either come to resent it or he'll come to expect it and either way, it won't do him nor you any benefit.  He needs to take the responsibility on himself to stay on track with his treatment with you, as his wife and partner, by his side....

    RHMLucky777

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    I'm with Hopeful Mom about not falling into the trap of being "mommy" to him or "nurse" for that matter.

     

    He'll either come to resent it or he'll come to expect it and either way, it won't do him nor you any benefit.  He needs to take the responsibility on himself to stay on track with his treatment with you, as his wife and partner, by his side.

     

    You are doing all you can do and I commend you for it.  It just takes time.  If he truly has Bipolar, it took a while for it to start and develop, and it will be lifelong to manage it.  Do not ever feel that you didn't do something to help him.

     

    He has to accept responsibility for his illness and how it treats him and how in turn, he treats others.  If he doesn't take his meds, doesn't go to therapy, starts self-medicating, starts drifting from job to job, temper rising, possible lashing out, chasing skirts (some do), spending wads of dough, etc.. Just please do not let him get by with anything even remotely inappropriate.

     

    You can't allow him to cross boundaries while in episodes and you can't allow him to blame the illness for every single thing.  If he chooses not to take meds or follow treatment and something happens - it's his choice knowing full well prior to.

     

    The illness creates the impulses and moods, the individual responds and acts on those impulses and moods.  He can be trained in behavioral therapy to cope with those impulses and moods if he isn't able to do so on his own and is willing to make the effort.

  • Hopeful mom
    May. 25, 2008

    Bless your heart honey.  You're doing all you can.  He's dealing with guilt as well as trying to become stable before he comes home.  Just let him do what he needs to do and let him know you're there when he's ready.  When he does come home, don't fall into the mom role with him.  Don't constantly ask him about his meds.  Just...

    RHMLucky777

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    Bless your heart honey.  You're doing all you can.  He's dealing with guilt as well as trying to become stable before he comes home.  Just let him do what he needs to do and let him know you're there when he's ready.  When he does come home, don't fall into the mom role with him.  Don't constantly ask him about his meds.  Just treat him as normally as possible and let him know you'll be there if he needs anything.  He's got to do it on his own though.  It's good that he's taking the responsibility on himself and maybe that's just what he has to do right now.

    • mom2twins
      May. 25, 2008

      Thank you hopeful mom..I have read your posts as well and I know that you are struggling too...my heart goes out to you.  One of my twins has mild OCD and I am afraid it is a precursor for Bipolar.  Once things settle with my husband i will be bringing my son to be evaluated. 

       

      It is so hard for the caregivers...especially mothers because...

      RHMLucky777

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      Thank you hopeful mom..I have read your posts as well and I know that you are struggling too...my heart goes out to you.  One of my twins has mild OCD and I am afraid it is a precursor for Bipolar.  Once things settle with my husband i will be bringing my son to be evaluated. 

       

      It is so hard for the caregivers...especially mothers because we would do anything for our children.  It is painful when we are unable to fix their problems. I hope all will be well with your family. Thank you for your words of encouragement..it is greatly appreciated.

       

      Joanne

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