Confused feelings

By mom2twins Friday, August 08, 2008

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My husband of 20 years left me 10 months ago. I have posted before and have received good advice. My spouse has been on 1250 mg of Depakote for 4 weeks now, a few days ago he told me that his feelings for me are starting to come back. Meanwhile I discovered that 1 month ago he bought into a business venture for $15, 000. he was trying to hide it from me but i found out. This was very upsetting as my two 18 year old boys have been working to save money for college and dad has not given tham a cent. I also discovered that 6 months before he left he had gone to a lawyer to proceed with separation...all during that time he told me he loved me and would never leave.

I am going to a lawyer this Monday to file a separation agreement, one that states that i will not be responsible for any debts he incurs.

I know that all this was done while he was not medicated. Still i feel betrayed, i am afraid that once he has his mind back that he will ask to come home..it has been so long and there has been so much pain i don't know if i can do it. I feel sick inside..i believe that the damage is too great and that i will not get over it. Any words of wisdom out there?

My Heart is broken.........

Comments (5) | Add comment

Cheryl

8/ 8/08 6:09pm

I have been with my husband for 9 years, 6 of which he was a drug addict,he is clean now and is cycling out of control. I too am sick to my stomach so I know that feeling. He comes and goes and when he comes back he says how much he loves me and etc. ... it brings back the feelings I used to have. You are on your own now and I suspect mentally have been for a long time. You should continue on with your life, because your health and happiness means everything. You cannot control nor are you responsible for his behaviour, or health. You must move forward with your life without him. I am preparing to leave my husband, when he is here the emotion is too strong and I back out. I know that I can't be sick everyday wondering "what if" , "what will be" and "if only", those days are way too far and few between. Stay strong and stay happy, don't go backwards keep moving forward. I hope this helps.

HeyJude

8/ 8/08 9:32pm

You are making some good decisions regarding your marriage. A legal separation sounds like the best thing to do at this time. This is a very difficult time for all women that face separation and divorce. You must be devastated. It's hard to imagine what you must be going thru.

Your husband may turn his life around with time, but you should not have to go thru all the turmoil waiting for that to happen. Hold on to your strengths and keep a good support system around you. God bless you.

Judy

mom2twins

8/ 8/08 10:11pm

Thank you HeyJude and cheryl. I think that the pain I feel at the moment is I realise i really am letting him go.

I held on for so long but I feel my life continuing without him. The crushing part is that i know somewhere deep inside he loves me but for 20 years he always had one foot out the door. Not once did he put me first ......Ever. He was and is still obessed with playing paintball. ...the business venutre is a paintball field.

I said to him last week "Bryan, if you were close to death, would you be wondering if you played enough paintball OR would you be regretting not being there for the wife that loved you and supported you for 20 lonely years......."

Rosebud

8/18/08 4:59pm

Hi honey, we've posted back and forth in the past and I see that you are still struggling with your feelings for your husband. I'm sorry for your frustrations. As for your husband, if there is one thing that I have learned since being diagnosed with BP last year....the one thing my Mom tells me over and over again: I am responsible for my own actions and behavior ... the good, the bad AND the ugly. In spite of (or maybe just to spite) my disorder, I am able to function as an adult in the "big people's world" and so is your husband. Just because he has a mental disorder does not absolve him of his responsibilities to do the right thing for himself and his family. He knows right from wrong. His impulsive, irresponsible behavior would not be tolerated any more or less if he had diabetes, right? I mean, that's a disorder too. He needs to man up and you are wise to put distance between you and him by filing for a legal separation. As for your heart, well it will just have to follow along with your brains in this decision because you have to put up your guard and protect yourself and your children from what he might do to you financially. So, you're not a great place right now but day by day and step by step you will get a to a better place. Like my Mom tells me, "There is light at the end of your tunnel, and it is not a freight train coming to run you over." In the meantime, we'll all be out here cheering for you from cyberspace.

mom2twins

8/18/08 7:04pm

Hi Rosebud..so nice to hear from you again. I just saw your post today (Aug 18) . One week ago i filed for legal separation..i am moving on with my life. Learning how to love myself again. Thank you for your words of wisdom.. .

joanne

Confused feelings

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