I need to let go because it is killing me

By mom2twins Tuesday, November 04, 2008

- A
- A
- A

My husband and i are now separated. We were married 20 years. I know he loved me but he has always been sick...although mildly. The Bipolar diagnosis was determined 6 months ago. He has been gone a year, living with his parents. Though he insists he takes all his medication, first Depakote , now Lamictal. He has been cruel, heartless and quite frankly , wicked in what he has said and done to me. I want to move on with my life but i seem unable to let go. I call him often ...usually to make sure he is OK. Some days he is sweet as pie, other times he is sadistically cruel. I do not know if it is love, guilt or my own sick need to be tormented by him. Please, I would appreciate any advice or words of wisdom.

borderline or bipolar?

Comments (10) | Add comment

tabby

11/ 4/08 6:46am

You have been in the emotional wringer haven't you sug?

Okay... I can't tell you to let him go. That's your decision to make.

What I can tell you is some general facts.

You say he was on Depakote but then had to change to Lamictal and this has been in the past 6 months. Okay. He has had to undergo a med change. Why? Could be many reasons but a med change he has had none the less.

When a lot of folks go through med changes, they come off one to go on another. In doing so, they de-stabilize during the transition. However the degree of de-stabilization depends on the individual and their body chemistry and their illness.

When they start another drug, they go through all the stages again just as they did the one before. They have to go slow and bump up and all the while possibly having side effects or adverse reactions. While this is happening, their body is becoming adjusted and while that is happening their mind is becoming adjusted. While that is happening their symptoms may also be a bit de-stabilized until the right levels are hit. This all depends on whether the med is the "right" med and causes no other problems.

Lamictal is a very very very slow drug. It has to be done that way. It didn't work for me but it works for a lot of folks with Bipolar and with Seizure Disorders. Yet, it is a very very slow drug to get to the therapeutic level - the stabilizing level.

If he is honestly taking his meds, then he is undergoing the med russian roulette that we who have the illness all go through. Hopefully, this Lamictal will be the one for him and there'll be no further changes but keep in mind, there may be down the road.

There is no guarantee that even if he does hit the right med and gets "stable" that he'll be anything other than he is or he'll come running back or anything else you might be wanting. Then again, he might. No one knows.

It's totally up to you to decide and I know this isn't what you want to hear but, it really is sug. It's up to you.

In the meantime, are you seeking any form of individual therapy for your own emotional upheaval to help you?

KodyD

11/ 4/08 10:17am

wah,wah,wah..maybe you know just the rite buttons to push to make him react that way. how do we know its not you that needs the therapy as well. maybe him being bipolar has nothing to do with your failed relationship. ya never can tell, if i got a quarter for chick that comes on here complaining about their bp mate id be rich, its always the mate too.

Rosebud

11/ 4/08 3:41pm

And, what ever happened to each of us being responsible and accountable for our own behavior. If her husband is cruel one day and sweet the next day and she chooses to take it that is the choice that she is responsible for but saying that she is pushing his buttons is bull shit. He is an unstable creep who left her to go back and live with his parents. She was left to pick up the pieces of her life and take care of the kids. She is making strides to move forward and get on with her life. It has to be a struggle everyday for her, but she's making it. She's taking small baby steps to move herself forward and away from him.

How dare you belittle her by making such nasty and uncompassionate comments. This site is a safe harbor for all with or w/o mental illness to talk, seek advice or vent. If you can't offer compassion or a solution, butt hole, then you only add to the problem. People like you are too small minded and you just don't understand. So take your laptop computer and go away.

KodyD

11/ 4/08 5:05pm

ahaa didnt think you like that. Hey, shes not a bp sufferer shes someone invading the site of those who suffer, complaining, on one side of the story about her bp husband, as if all her problems are because his being bipolar, when shes only showing one side of the story.

like shes innocent, that how it always is. another person giving those who suffer from bipolar a bad name. period,

If you know her so well tell her to move on and change her life and quit coming on here talking crap about those who have bp issues. since her bad relationship is all based on a bipolar disorder, and chances of that are slim.

tabby

11/ 4/08 5:41pm

"He is an unstable creep who left her to go back and live with his parents."

Rosebud

I want you to go back and read your own reply to kodyD.

You said this was a place of safe harbor for those to come here to vent, to seek advice, and to be with or without mental illness. You said that if she couldn't be compassionate then for her to take her computer and go away, after calling her an anatomical part of a lower end of her body.

You are doing precisely what you were "correcting" her on and in the statement I quoted of yours above... ditto again.

This site was originally created to assist those with the illness and to help those who care for them understand the disorder. Since I've been a "member", which is going on nearly 3 years now, it has become increasingly one of where there are more and more folks posting and dispersing hateful comments and downright nastiness against those with Bipolar in their lives. All of which is under the guise of stress and exasperation.

Keep in mind, those with Bipolar in their lives either haven't actually been diagnosed (more and more posters) or have been but aren't willing to make adjustments to improve their stability and a lot of them are alcoholics and drug addicts.

In those same 3 years, and through the many changes to the site and the many "regulars" that have come and gone (except John, he is still here), I've seen perhaps maybe 4 posts from those with Bipolar who have vomited the same level of hateful comments and downright nastiness against their loved ones, companions, partners, spouses, and/or "others".

Honestly, in all truthfulness, you would think that if we were "all bad, evil, hateful, spiteful, and vicious" as so many others have us made out to be on this particular website - there would be so many more of "us" posting such about our counterparts in the same way.

This would be the best place for it. To get support from others with Bipolar who have hateful loved ones who can't do anything right, wouldn't it? Be real Rosebud.

I'm all for folks coming here and venting, exasperating, and seeking advice and support. I'm fed up with the "them against us" mentality here though.

Re-read your post and look at the fact that you, the pot, are calling the kettle black.

By the way, each person in a relationship brings something to the table (Eric, I think would say). This means that EACH person contributes or takes away from the table. The relationship isn't all one-sided because then there would be no relationship.

EACH person does something to the other person in some shape, form, or fashion - no one is completely and purely innocent.

birdbreather

11/ 4/08 7:59pm

I think what KodyD is getting at, although he could have written it more diplomatically, is a trend on this website where spouses come here and write about how awful their signifigant others are and blame it almost entirely on the disorder. With little or no accountability for their own role in the relationship.

Mom2twins, I feel for you. You must be going through alot and I am sure its hard. I imagine your husband is going through alot too and I am sure he has his moments of regret/sadness over what has transpired. After 20 years of marriage I am sure that bipolar is not the only factor in your split. If it is then perhaps you should re-think things. Your husband is sick. It may be hard for him to accept that, he may have alot of shame, or to quote rosebud maybe he is just a "creep". I can't say. I don't know him. But I do know what you have written about him on this site and it is almost never flattering. Maybe you should look at the way you talk about him and perhaps, perhaps, that is why he has left.

KodyD

11/ 5/08 9:47am

very eloquently put, taking responsibilty for their own actions.

If you look at what the poster started with

"I need to let go cause it is killing me" then the poster goes into "My husband and i are now separated. We were married 20 years. I know he loved me but he has always been sick..first depakote, then lamicitil"

give me a break! then she ends with

"I do not know if it is love, guilt or my own sick need to be tormented by him. Please, I would appreciate any advice or words of wisdom." .........are you serious! like what we post on here is gona give you strenght to move on and Know that you were rite and he was wrong all along. be for real Man you are so frign selfish!,like a frign baby!

If i was gonna give advice it would be that your x go back off his meds just to torment you for a little longer.haha

NewBride

11/ 6/08 10:51am

Some people should not post on here because they don't offer ANYTHING to this site or others looking for resolution or advice. Just ignore those people.

With that said, I feel your pain. I was with someone for 8 years and had no clue he was bipolar until the diagnosis last year. That is when our 1 1/2 yr marriage ended. He turned into someone completely different, treated me horribly, said nasty things to me out of nowhere, and then blamed ME for his behavior when I would just sit there crying asking "why are you treating me this way?" So I know how this feels. One day he loved me, and the next day I was the cause of all the demons inside his head. I should mention we had built a wonderful life together and were very successful, but his condition, the stress of his job and certification tests and his parents and family problems contributed to his downfall....

I had to walk away. He was no longer the man I knew. He was a zombie. He was a shell. I am not speaking for everyone - just what I experienced. He wrote me nasty notes, yelled at my dad, all over nothing. He built this war against life inside of him that nobody else could see! He was battling himself yet taking it out on me. You can read my posts if you would like - they explain more.

But in my case, i had to let it be. It was damaging me and I saw no end in sight. I tried my best, went to doctors with him, but he was so horrible to me. I once woke up one morning to him screaming at me while i was still in bed.

Take care of YOU first. He's at his parents for a reason, so he is being taken care of. Please don't loose who you are in this though.

KodyD

11/ 6/08 2:13pm

yeah theirs a difference in your posting, you woke up after 1 1/2 years of marriage, different than a selfcentered person looking for a pat on the back after 20yrs of complete turmoil due to bp husband, thats just a bogus story.

mom2twins

11/ 6/08 5:10pm

KodyD.. I was not going to reply to your statements but let me make something clear. No i was not blameless..we all make mistakes. I have asked my husband to forgive me for any of my part in the disintergration of the marriage. For a year I told him i loved, I was there for him and that i understood that he was not himself. In the meantime I cashed all my retirement savings to get him out of debt. The house that i have lived in for 18 years is for sale..I have no money left so i will be having an auction of my possessions as well. I love him but there is very deep pain.

KodyD, you are correct, this was not the proper place to ask for advice. I should have only highlighted the family friends icon. I did not mean to imply that all bipolars are mean. I know that on this site there are other family members going through the same thing...I was really reaching out to them for the advice.

Ofcourse it is clear that I am not welcomed here and i can understand why, In anycase wish to thank those lovely and kind hearted people,, Rosebud, Hey jude and many others. They showed me deep compassion and kind wisdom.

I need to let go because it is killing me

Ask a Question