A New Mania

Another mania has hit, and hit hard.  Out of all the range of emotions possible, I dread mania more than any other.   It is, to me, the most dangerous of the mood swings.  The racing thoughts, the anxiety, the irritation, the  psychosis – it all blends into a highly volatile and very mentally painful episode.  This mania was brought on by several things.  First, I have recently decreased the dosage of my main medication, Lamictal.  Lamictal is so innocuous, there’s very few side effects, and it works so gradually that we don’t think changes will be a problem.  But this dosage decrease shows just how significant the impact can be.  Next, I got very little sleep through the weekend.  I had to take an Ambien every night just to fall asleep, and a few nights ago needed 3 to even begin feeling sleepy.  Next, stress brought about by both of my jobs has been brutal recently.  I’m working outside of my comfort zone, and working long hours.  Finally, my routine was thrown out the window.  Due to some family obligations I have been staying up late, and had to skip morning workouts.  Routines can usually be broken by me without an issue.  But with this mania sitting just under the surface waiting to erupt, it might have been the final nail in the coffin.  I’ve written about mania several times, and don’t want to sound like a broken record.  But there are a lot of misconceptions about mania, especially the difference between mania and hypomania.  Hypomania is a feel-good type of mania that gives the high energy level, creativity, hyper sexuality, and so forth.  In contrast, true mania is anything but pleasant, and is very often dangerous.   When manic I become confrontational, combative, reckless, and in some cases, capable of self harm.  The racing thoughts, the anxiety, the anger, it gets so intense at times I fantasize about ways to make it stop.  If there’s one thing I’d stress to others at risk for mania it’s to get intimately familiar with your moods.  You have to be able to recognize the signs of mania or depression before it hits.  Once you’re impacted with a mood extreme, you’re not the same person.  This is hard for non-sufferers to understand, but our minds are different.  When manic, I may not be capable of rational thought, or my thought processes may have been so altered that any thought or behavior is possible.  Anyone who says “I would never do that” has never been under the grip of a depression or mania induced psychosis.  Anything is possible.  I’ll check back in a couple days to update this major swing.