Mania and Rage

G.J. Gregory Community Member July 18, 2007
  • I had one of my worst days ever over the weekend. Let me start by giving a little background.

    All of my life one of my biggest challenges has been controlling rage. I don’t mean anger, I mean rage. It doesn’t happen often, and it usually takes a lot to push me to that level, but when I hit a certain point, something snaps and I lose control. I hate it, and it scares me to death. I recover quickly, usually after a few seconds I’ve regained enough control that I don’t have to worry about danger. But in those few seconds it’s like I go black, and anything can happen. And I mean anything. It’s absolutely terrifying for me and anyone around me. I haven’t physically hurt anyone when like this, but I’m terrified that it could happen.

    I’ve been riding a hypomania for a week or two recently. Nothing I’m not used to, when I’m un-medicated hypomania is probably my dominant mood, and right now mania is my biggest danger. But it’s not always easy to tell when I’m moving into mania. My personal criteria for mania involves psychosis, without it I’m still just hypomanic. The worst thing about trying to read my level of mania is that when truly manic with psychosis, I am incapable of seeing the psychosis. So if I think I’m manic, I’m not. If I am manic, I won’t know it until I’ve slid out of the mania. Makes as much sense as bipolar disorder in general makes.

    Saturday afternoon we had several people around the house – some of our kids, a son’s girlfriend, my wife, mother-in-law, and so forth. Crowds in my house always make me a little irritable, and I was halfway there all afternoon. What set me off wasn’t a major thing. I was looking for something my son Kyle took, and I headed to his room to ask him about it. Truth be known, I headed for his room to let him know how unhappy I was at his actions.

    Kyle is so much like me it’s scary. He also has bipolar disorder, and mania is also his biggest danger. When I went into his room to confront him, he was as manic as I was. We clashed in a huge way. I don’t know how it escalated as quickly as it did, but it got dangerous quickly. He’s screaming in my face, I’m trying to hold back my instincts to take control of the conflict. Then things escalated another notch, and my wife is screaming, trying to keep us apart and avoid what looked like an inevitable physical clash. I’m yelling, Kyle is yelling louder, and my wife is screaming. My wife managed to pull me away, and the situation defused.

    The gravity of the situation sunk in few seconds later, and I was reduced to tears. Angry, hurt, confused, and very scared. Why did this happen? I am so much better prepared today than I was in the past to handle things like this. My medication seems to keep me balanced. I am in touch with my moods so I can avoid putting myself in harmful situations. I have worked at techniques to keep me from exploding. I haven’t had a problem for a few years now. But yet, it still happened. One positive note, 15 minutes later I was sufficiently in control to be able to sit down with Kyle and talk it out. In the past I would never have been able to do this so quickly. So least my recovery time was much shorter.

  • This was a very disturbing lesson for me. No matter how much better I feel, no matter how much progress I make, no matter how well my recovery is going, I will never completely leave my disorder behind. I will always have to be vigilant of warning signs, and I will always have to avoid situations that can cause problems. No matter what the scenario – rage, substance abuse, risky behavior - if I let my guard down for an instant, that’s long enough for a mania to change or threaten my life, or the lives of those around me. It’s a sobering realization.
22 Comments
  • Anonymous
    desperate
    Sep. 03, 2013

    I've been in love with this woman for 2 and half years so far and I've never gotten to sit down and really have a conversation with her.  I've done everything in my power to get to her but nothing's worked and it's frustrated me.  I suffer from episodes of severe ongoing rage that scares me and this situation has/had enraged me beyond all measure....

    RHMLucky777

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    I've been in love with this woman for 2 and half years so far and I've never gotten to sit down and really have a conversation with her.  I've done everything in my power to get to her but nothing's worked and it's frustrated me.  I suffer from episodes of severe ongoing rage that scares me and this situation has/had enraged me beyond all measure.  My frustration with trying to get this girl to stop and talk to me has gotten me to the point where I'm constantly bad mouthing her, fantasizing in my mind all sorts of extreme confrontations including kidnap and rape.  I wouldn't actually do these things but I cannot seem to stop thinking about this.  I want to forget about her but I can't and nothing i do to try to meet up with her works.  I can't knock on her door but I walk past her house.  I am afraid I might blow up in a way that'll get me arrested and charged.  I am so fed up with this I hate this girl for not being accessible and available and I fear if i do see her again I may let her have it.  This rage is constantly with me and has me in tears at night, nervous wreck in the a.m. and on tons of meds.  Any suggestions out there?

    • Crystal
      Sep. 04, 2013
      Hello, if you don't already I would strongly recommend that you go to Therapy. This can help you a great deal. There are Anger Management classes as well that I found to be very helpful. As for your meds, I think it would be wise to share with your dr what's going on. Maybe you need a med adjustment or a diff kind of med altogether. Certain meds can actually...
      RHMLucky777
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      Hello, if you don't already I would strongly recommend that you go to Therapy. This can help you a great deal. There are Anger Management classes as well that I found to be very helpful. As for your meds, I think it would be wise to share with your dr what's going on. Maybe you need a med adjustment or a diff kind of med altogether. Certain meds can actually contribute or create the issues you ate having with your behavior. Rejection hurts but it's not the person's fault. You will be much better and less angry when you move on and let this go. I know you want to feel better and at peace with yourself. Please seek help for yourself.
  • Anonymous
    Anonymous
    Jul. 22, 2007

    I'm sorry for you and your son for having to go through the rage. I don"t think you can ever completely control it. You just have to understand that it's the bipolar (brain) not your heart that causes it. Talk about it with your son and family and explain that when you rage you can"t help it and your sorry in advance. It's sad that you...

    RHMLucky777

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    I'm sorry for you and your son for having to go through the rage. I don"t think you can ever completely control it. You just have to understand that it's the bipolar (brain) not your heart that causes it. Talk about it with your son and family and explain that when you rage you can"t help it and your sorry in advance. It's sad that you have to be sorry for something that you can't help, but so goes bipolar. I'm not bipolar, but dealing with my husband has made me rage a few times. I threw a pot of beans at him one time, and they of course went all over the kitchen and out into the hall. The pot put a big dent in the wall. When we were cleaning up all the hundreds of beans my youngest daughter who was 4 at the time said Moma there sure was alot of beans in that pot. Explain that episode to a 4 year old. I've been explaining bipolar and her daddy's actions ever since she was old enough to notice her daddy was a little different. He use to rage,but it was in the days when he drank to numb his pain, he was mean then. After he was diagonised and on meds, he drank one night and drove my suv through the front of a store in the middle of the town we live in, that was a fun time. He has drank very little since. It is hard it has taken a toll on me, but i tell myself and my kids he can't help it and you can't either. When you love someone you take them warts and all.(and bipolar). I'll be thinking about you and I hope your rages are few and far between!  Emma

    • G.J. Gregory
      Aug. 08, 2007

      Emma - as painful as the experience was, thinking of your daughter saying saying "Mama - there sure was a lot of beans in that pot" makes me laugh.  My kids have grown up around it all their lives, and are understanding and forgiving.  I really think it has made them less judgemental, more compassionate, and kinder.  These are some...

      RHMLucky777

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      Emma - as painful as the experience was, thinking of your daughter saying saying "Mama - there sure was a lot of beans in that pot" makes me laugh.  My kids have grown up around it all their lives, and are understanding and forgiving.  I really think it has made them less judgemental, more compassionate, and kinder.  These are some of the greatest qualities we could ever, intentionally or unintentionally, give our children.  I'll bet yours are the same way.

       

      Thanks again, Emma, for your insightful and interesting comments. 

  • Anonymous
    mary
    Jul. 19, 2007

    G.J.,

    I can definitely relate to reacting to certain scenarios in my family dynamics as you have.  However, usually it is towards one person in particular that is not sober.  Whether he is drinking or not doesn't matter.  When he says certain things, he knows what buttons to press, I actually move to obliterate everything that is on his desk,...

    RHMLucky777

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    G.J.,

    I can definitely relate to reacting to certain scenarios in my family dynamics as you have.  However, usually it is towards one person in particular that is not sober.  Whether he is drinking or not doesn't matter.  When he says certain things, he knows what buttons to press, I actually move to obliterate everything that is on his desk, computer included into his lap.

    I could pull every hair out of his head as well.  Today I know that I have to stay out of situations that are dangerous to me, to not allow myself to be set up.  I am a very giving person, absolutely adore my grown sons(2)

    but if I were not on medication

    anyone of them could hit the right button and wammo there I go.  I try very hard today, to walk away and not let it escalate.  Growing up I always saw chaos in my family of origin.

    One of my sibblings in adolescence flew into horrific rages.  In the aftermath, there'd be holes in walls, doors taken off and surprisingly no physical injuries to any person.  I believe that a lot of what we do today, dispite the illness of bi-polar disorder, has to do with how we were treated and what we witnessed - the family dynamics from our families of origin.  That being said, taking my personal inventory has really helped me control my rage.  It doesn't stop it from coming on after baited but it doesn't last long at all.

     

    I am glad that you shared on the topic of rage.  It brought rage to the forfront for me so that I can continue to work on this.  Overall, I will be healthier.  I can't work on anything until I am aware of it.

    • G.J. Gregory
      Jul. 19, 2007

      Mary - when I first starting writing about my own bipolar disorder, it was done solely as a therapeutic personal journal.   But an amazing thing started to happen, I found others just like me.  We shared experiences, stories, challenges, and emotions.  We all grew more knowledgeable. we all grew stronger.  This has been a HUGE part...

      RHMLucky777

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      Mary - when I first starting writing about my own bipolar disorder, it was done solely as a therapeutic personal journal.   But an amazing thing started to happen, I found others just like me.  We shared experiences, stories, challenges, and emotions.  We all grew more knowledgeable. we all grew stronger.  This has been a HUGE part of my therapy. 

       

      My point is that you thanked me for sharing my experiences on rage.  You and others just shared experiences and thoughts on family dynamic which has my brain working in that direction.  I come out of this more knowledgeable and better able to understand what happened and why.  Hopefully everyone reading this comes away with something.  Thanks to you, and to everyone, for caring, and for sharing your own thoughts and experiences.

  • Angie
    Jul. 19, 2007

    G.J.--I just remembered an episode when I was in a terribly long depression, interspersed by days of irritable energy.  I was putting old photos from my mother's side of my family into frames.  And feeling good to be doing something.  My father visits and points out to me that I seem to have forgotten about the other grandparents (his side...

    RHMLucky777

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    G.J.--I just remembered an episode when I was in a terribly long depression, interspersed by days of irritable energy.  I was putting old photos from my mother's side of my family into frames.  And feeling good to be doing something.  My father visits and points out to me that I seem to have forgotten about the other grandparents (his side of the family). 

     

    A criticism!  When I'm fighting for my life, he wants to tell me I'm doing something wrong!  I feel the black take over my vision and I'm shaking.  I ask him to leave.  On his way out I scream and cry and throw every picture, frame, glass at the back of his head. 

     

    And then I go inside and just sit quietly.  I feel my heartbeat and breathing.  And I am in  one position so long, I begin to wonder if I can stay this way forever.  I never wanted to speak again.

     

    Angie 

    • G.J. Gregory
      Jul. 19, 2007

      Angie - I think you just hit on Kyle's trigger.  I hadn't thought of it that way, but that's similar to what happened.  He was in a car accident the night before, his girlfriend was driving.  They were both banged up but OK.  I didn't even think about that, my irritation precluded me from reading Kyle's feelings. ...

      RHMLucky777

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      Angie - I think you just hit on Kyle's trigger.  I hadn't thought of it that way, but that's similar to what happened.  He was in a car accident the night before, his girlfriend was driving.  They were both banged up but OK.  I didn't even think about that, my irritation precluded me from reading Kyle's feelings.  He reacted exactly how I would react in that situation.

       

      Thanks for your insight, and for helping me to understand this. 

    • Anonymous
      Rager
      Feb. 03, 2010

      Recently I went into one of my very bad rages. I am bipolar, tend to rapid cycle and when the rage comes, it is like meeting a old friend again that wants to take me on a bender. It is just crazy, crazy time.

       

      My wifes family gave me some grief the other night (about money and the fact their house was going under due to gambling problems) and I lost it....

      RHMLucky777

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      Recently I went into one of my very bad rages. I am bipolar, tend to rapid cycle and when the rage comes, it is like meeting a old friend again that wants to take me on a bender. It is just crazy, crazy time.

       

      My wifes family gave me some grief the other night (about money and the fact their house was going under due to gambling problems) and I lost it. I had been pretty high for a while but my wife prefers me that way. I just am easier to get on with and I am very artistic during these times.

       

      The black hole that opened up at that point of time felt like a warm embrass and I did not even feel my hand going clean through the door. I told my wife to pack her bags and go back home to the parents as it was their stupid fault things went the way they did. I was not going to pay the house off and they could live in the streets. I was so angry and the rage spilled over like a wave.I had a right to be angery, but not at my wife. That is the problem. Who ever is closest to me gets it.

       

      This happened in about 2 minutes and the warmth that I felt as it came to me made me just want to moan in joy at letting the rage animal out. Imagine sticking your hand into a warm jar of milk up to your elbow and enjoying the feel of the warmth and the texture of the cream. That was the pleasure my hand felt going through the door.

       

      After this died down (about a hour later I was in control) the depression came and the hurt of my busted up hand came in waves to me. What I did was terrible to my family but they understand and I am so lucky.

       

      Manic and rage.... they go hand in hand as well does a trip to the ER.

       

      Does every notice one thing but... most the time this anger comes at a time when everything is going good for you? Maybe because I am just high...

  • Anonymous
    Just Me
    Jul. 19, 2007

    Recently my psychologist has been trying to make me be more aware of how afraid of many things I am.  I don't seem able to do anything without thinking about every possible angle, every possible anticipated way bipolar could interfere. 

     

    It took a while to figure out why I am so afraid of life, but eventually I realized the main reason is...

    RHMLucky777

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    Recently my psychologist has been trying to make me be more aware of how afraid of many things I am.  I don't seem able to do anything without thinking about every possible angle, every possible anticipated way bipolar could interfere. 

     

    It took a while to figure out why I am so afraid of life, but eventually I realized the main reason is that being afraid allows me to always be on alert for "out of control".  I tried to explain what out of control feels like, but that is very hard to convey.  I just know to avoid that kind of anger, which is so far from my personality, I would do nearly anything.

     

    Just Me

    www.masterofirony.blogspot.com

    • G.J. Gregory
      Jul. 19, 2007

      Just Me - good to hear from you!  Thanks for taking the time to leave me a comment.  I promise to get around to my friend's blogs and leave comments, it's been hard to do lately.

       

      Being out of control terrifies me.  One of my primary coping mechanisms is to so completely immerse myself in an activity as to block everything else out. ...

      RHMLucky777

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      Just Me - good to hear from you!  Thanks for taking the time to leave me a comment.  I promise to get around to my friend's blogs and leave comments, it's been hard to do lately.

       

      Being out of control terrifies me.  One of my primary coping mechanisms is to so completely immerse myself in an activity as to block everything else out.  I remain rigidly in control, and everything else remains out.  I'd like to be "out of control" from time to time, truth be known... 

    • Anonymous
      Just Me
      Jul. 20, 2007

      "I'd love to be out of control from time to time"

       

      Oh, me too.  So much.  So often it's part of the sleeping issues.  It defines so much else though.  I have to have all sorts of things certain ways so I can sleep.  I have trouble traveling with someone if I have to share a hotel room.  Most social gatherings...

      RHMLucky777

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      "I'd love to be out of control from time to time"

       

      Oh, me too.  So much.  So often it's part of the sleeping issues.  It defines so much else though.  I have to have all sorts of things certain ways so I can sleep.  I have trouble traveling with someone if I have to share a hotel room.  Most social gatherings are too out of control. 

       

      It's funny, everyone always assesses me carefully for drug and alcohol use because of my diagnosis.  I know why, but I am the exact opposite of the self-medicators; I can't stand the thought of losing control so I have never had more than a wine cooler and probably I've only had 6 of those in my life, plus 2 mixed drinks I didn't like.  But as soon as control changes I get anxious.

       

      I even get control-freaky about my anti-anxiety meds.  I was on ativan, which has the additional freak-out potential of addiction, but I am now on atarax which is pretty bland, and I still hate being forced to relax.

       

      Hope things are a bit better by now.  I'm sure it'll be stressful while Kyle goes through the initial medication yuckiness.  Just take any hint of a rash seriously, from one who knows (mine was the size of a quarter when I took another dose because I thought lamictal rash was blistery so this wasn't lamictal); within 8 hours it was half my face and within 12 my entire face.  That was a bad lesson....

  • jaiane
    Jul. 18, 2007
    Hi there, I hope things sre going better for you by now. It seems that you have had some bif problems for a while. That is so devastating, I so feel for you, and your family. I have had couple of similar problems happen to me. It is so weird to me how triggers come about. In my experiences It seems like I was a totally different person, when those incidents...
    RHMLucky777
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    Hi there, I hope things sre going better for you by now. It seems that you have had some bif problems for a while. That is so devastating, I so feel for you, and your family. I have had couple of similar problems happen to me. It is so weird to me how triggers come about. In my experiences It seems like I was a totally different person, when those incidents happened. The first one was several years ago with my grandsons. I was scared ti death. And that was before I was diagnosed. I have been so upset about those incidents that it is still difficult for me to even think about. I still have not dealt with it. I have been going to our local Mental Health Center for about a year, and I have only touched the tip of the iceberg so far with my therapist. Lord I hope it does not happen again. The best to you and yours. Take care.
    • G.J. Gregory
      Jul. 19, 2007
      jaiane - thanks for reading and sharing your experiences.  The emotion in your comment shines through, that must have been a painful experience.  All the best to you in your quest to achieve the wellness you are seeking.
  • Angie
    Jul. 18, 2007

    G.J., empathy is the only word I could think of to title my subject.  As soon as you talked about "going black", I was nodding.  And then the house ful of people.  For a few years, my family would convene at my house for my kids' birthdays, 3 out of 4 of which were in the winter bundled around the holidays.  This was all before...

    RHMLucky777

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    G.J., empathy is the only word I could think of to title my subject.  As soon as you talked about "going black", I was nodding.  And then the house ful of people.  For a few years, my family would convene at my house for my kids' birthdays, 3 out of 4 of which were in the winter bundled around the holidays.  This was all before I was diagnosed.  And all the noise, food, mess of paper, dirty dishes, my father's helium balloons for god's sake!  I found myself so irritable I would find a corner, detach, and slowly get drunk.

     

    Then I get diagnosed.  My family does not.  I cannot drink.  The irritability creeps in.  Then the hair on the back of my neck, up onto my skull stands on end, and I shout to the whole room "I can't stand all this f***ing noise!"  Slam chair, throw plate, storm out into the cold or to my room, and not show myself until everyone was gone.

     

    But that moment of rage.  It feels like being sucked into a vortex then blasted out like a cannon.

     

    I can feel it a little just describing it.

     

    And I'm glad to say, I've educated my self to be more mindful of the early warning signs.  And organized those holidays to be less chaotic.  Everyone can now understand when I say "I need some quiet time.  I'll come down later" that I'm okay.

     

    But there are times, like you say.  And it comes at the end of a really nice hypomanic place and our guards are down.

     

    Angie 

    • Mary
      Jul. 18, 2007

      Dear G.J.,

       

      I hear you at the heart level.  I live most of my life hypomanic, at least that's what my therapist says.

      As far as I'm concerned, that's just me as I've always been.

       

      I think, for me, those moments of mindless rage are the penalty we pay for being so special!!  I love people and they seem to like me, and I ask myself,...

      RHMLucky777

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      Dear G.J.,

       

      I hear you at the heart level.  I live most of my life hypomanic, at least that's what my therapist says.

      As far as I'm concerned, that's just me as I've always been.

       

      I think, for me, those moments of mindless rage are the penalty we pay for being so special!!  I love people and they seem to like me, and I ask myself, so what's your problem, girl?

       

      Too many people, too much fun and confusion, too much of everything and I am overwhelmed. If its my party I feel responsible for everybody's happiness--and that is something I just can't control.  I know that, but my bipolar hasn't got the message yet.

       

      My issue is almost always control.  Without it I feel as if I might fly off into a million pieces and be utterly destroyed. It's like being on a roller-coaster with no landing in sight. The feeling is in my chest demanding to be dealt with immediately or I will surely die. There is no reasoning with bipolar.

       

      The feeling sometimes comes from out of nowhere.  It's like this illness pops up behind me and says, "BOO!"  My therapist has suggested that I go immediately to my computer and start writing whatever comes into my head, and keep writing until I am calm again.  And, unlike the last mania episode when I wrote an e-mail to my daughter and pressed SEND (causing all kinds of havoc and hurt feelings), I will "go directly to draft and don't press SEND!"

       

      I have such respect for you, G.J., in opening yourself

      to us in a way that helps us find our voice to describe what we are dealing with.

    • G.J. Gregory
      Jul. 19, 2007

      Mary - my wife tells me the same thing you brought up, it's a trade off for many of the things she says makes me special.  But it's hard to feel special when you're worried the next mania might bring about danger to myself, or worse, to someone around me.  But I love that she really does feel that way about me.

       

      It's funny you...

      RHMLucky777

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      Mary - my wife tells me the same thing you brought up, it's a trade off for many of the things she says makes me special.  But it's hard to feel special when you're worried the next mania might bring about danger to myself, or worse, to someone around me.  But I love that she really does feel that way about me.

       

      It's funny you should mention writing.  I do the same thing, I will sometimes write my emotions, thoughts, and feelings while I'm still feeling them.  I have a personal blog where I can express myself in this way, some of those thoughts are a little strong for this outlet, be that perception right or wrong.  But when I read those thoughts later, I'm often embarassed or disturbed by what I've written.  I leave it, though, as it's really a good journal of what I was feeling and experiencing.  My wife has stopped reading it, she realizes how therapeutic it is to me,  but after being offended a few times she steers clear.

       

      Thanks for your kind words, I really feel through sharing our experiences and emotions with others we become more knowledgeable and able to handle this disorder.   

       

       

    • G.J. Gregory
      Jul. 19, 2007

      Angie - reading yours, and other's,  responses, I realize that I'm not alone in this.  It's a terrible thing to experience, both for myself and for those around me.  I'm terrified of what might happen next time this hits me.  We try to be prepared, but like you said, when our guards are down...

       

      Thanks so much for taking...

      RHMLucky777

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      Angie - reading yours, and other's,  responses, I realize that I'm not alone in this.  It's a terrible thing to experience, both for myself and for those around me.  I'm terrified of what might happen next time this hits me.  We try to be prepared, but like you said, when our guards are down...

       

      Thanks so much for taking the time to share your experience. 

    • su1
      su1
      Jul. 23, 2007
      Good for you in managing this.  Fortunately, I don't really have trouble with rage these days, but I do still get overwhelmed & overstimulated with crowds, and so I, too, pull away & say "Ok I need some quiet time".  Works like a charm.  My family has seen me get psychotic (suspicious & extremely irritable,...
      RHMLucky777
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      Good for you in managing this.  Fortunately, I don't really have trouble with rage these days, but I do still get overwhelmed & overstimulated with crowds, and so I, too, pull away & say "Ok I need some quiet time".  Works like a charm.  My family has seen me get psychotic (suspicious & extremely irritable, lashing out), and although I'm much better these days, they understand I still have limits.  Hand the baby back, say bye-bye to Grandma & go into a quiet room & chill.
  • acre1964
    Jul. 18, 2007
    You need to find out what are your trigers. The ones you love is one of them. Everyone gets mad but you either flight of fight. The main thing is to with this flight get away till you calm down. Call a friend to calm you down or if you love to write write about what is going on and change the situation to a postive. Something like I went into his room and was...
    RHMLucky777
    Read More
    You need to find out what are your trigers. The ones you love is one of them. Everyone gets mad but you either flight of fight. The main thing is to with this flight get away till you calm down. Call a friend to calm you down or if you love to write write about what is going on and change the situation to a postive. Something like I went into his room and was ready scream at him till I remembered when I first saw him when he was born. Then my anger went away and I hugged him. Go to anger management classes. That will give you the tools to help stop the rage.Big Smile
    • G.J. Gregory
      Jul. 18, 2007

      Acre - thanks for your input.  I try hard to use those techniques, and it really is pretty effective for me.  That's why this is so difficult for me to handle.  In this case it must have been the mania, I could sooner have stopped breathing than walk away from this.   It was a form of psychosis where I literally lost control. ...

      RHMLucky777

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      Acre - thanks for your input.  I try hard to use those techniques, and it really is pretty effective for me.  That's why this is so difficult for me to handle.  In this case it must have been the mania, I could sooner have stopped breathing than walk away from this.   It was a form of psychosis where I literally lost control.  I am going to redouble my efforts to prevent this in the future, but when the mind snaps, and the rage floods, it's too late.  I have to learn to avoid these scenarios altogether.

       

      Thanks again for the advice! 

    • acre1964
      Jul. 18, 2007

      I have never seem black. I have expearnce anger but it is my choice to throw something or hit something like a wall. When I get to that point I just dont care and let go of the anger on a wall or throw something. (note) I have not hit a wall in years because I broke my hand. Throwing things I did that last week. I threw a coffee cup empty at the floor...

      RHMLucky777

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      I have never seem black. I have expearnce anger but it is my choice to throw something or hit something like a wall. When I get to that point I just dont care and let go of the anger on a wall or throw something. (note) I have not hit a wall in years because I broke my hand. Throwing things I did that last week. I threw a coffee cup empty at the floor when my wife would not let off the money subject. I drive her nutts but she does the same to me. Also note I have never hit her or hurt her in anyway. The anger reaction I have I learned when I was a kid. My older sister always had to have her way and pushed me around to get it.When I was a kid I used to have to throw things at her to stop her. Note I see it now as self proection. I could not run to momy to stop her. I still to this day protect myself or when I am in danger. anger and danger  are closely related remember that. With anger comes danger and we react to it. We must try to do tha tin a postive way even if it takes reprograming our brains. We do have the power to do that and it is called free will.

      Okay time to stop rambling on.

      Just remember we have the power to stop ourselfs.Big Smile