Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I take my dosage then go to bed, hoping that the effects aren’t too bad. As I relax I begin to feel thousands of mini “eruptions” in my brain – it’s like I’m feeling every synapse. They’re like tiny electrical jolts, not pleasurable, not painful, not irritating or welcome. They’re just there. Some are stronger than others, sometimes they send a jolt through my body that stimulates my senses just for a millisecond. Sometimes they show up as flashes visible to my closed eyes.
While this is happening, the images start coming in, clearly visible and vivid to my closed eyes. Sometimes it’s colors – colored abstracts, shapes, blobs, or sometimes smooth waves of colors. There was a short period of time in the past where I’d get waves of mud sliding in – that was not pleasurable. Last night it was very strange: real life images, in a psychedelic format. An Alice In Wonderland type of thing, shapes growing faces and talking. Very, very bizarre. And when it all gets too strange, all I have to do is open my eyes. Poof. Instantly gone. I’m feeling normal, sitting in a normal world. Close my eyes and relax again, and it’s back as if it never stopped. These aren’t dreams, in fact once I fall asleep the dreams aren’t any different than normal.
Am I flashing back to 1978? Or am I taking hallucinogens as a forty-something middle-aged man? Actually the truth is stranger than the other possibilities. Would you believe, this is bedtime after my Lamictal dose?
In the past, having undiagnosed bipolar disorder I self medicated to an alarming level. I didn’t know it was self-medicating, it’s just what I did, it was part of my daily life, it’s who I was at that time. Also in the past I lived through bouts of extreme hypomania, and also several full-out manias. Today I rarely have the desire to self-medicate, and my manias are more controllable. I thank my primary medication, Lamictal, for that. The Lamictal is doing it’s job, helping to keep me stable. But it’s sneaky. I don’t normally “feel” it working like many other meds. When I take a Seroquel, I absolutely feel it. Ditto Risperdal and others. But usually Lamictal just kind of hangs back there, chillin’, taking care of business in a low-key but powerful way. There are times, however, I can feel some of what’s going on as I described earlier. For all it’s subtlety, Lamictal is no lightweight medication.
Now the “normies” out there are probably horrified at this kind of medication side effect. But honestly, I have it easy. Lamictal doesn’t put me to sleep, doesn’t keep me awake, doesn’t make me put on fifty pounds. A little bit of minor nighttime ‘tripping’ is a measly price to pay. Many of my peers have it SO much worse than I. As sufferers of bipolar disorder, medication side effects are part of the package. Some medications are worse than others, and they all impact each of us differently. But one way or another, it’s something we all learn to live with.
While this is happening, the images start coming in, clearly visible and vivid to my closed eyes. Sometimes it’s colors – colored abstracts, shapes, blobs, or sometimes smooth waves of colors. There was a short period of time in the past where I’d get waves of mud sliding in – that was not pleasurable. Last night it was very strange: real life images, in a psychedelic format. An Alice In Wonderland type of thing, shapes growing faces and talking. Very, very bizarre. And when it all gets too strange, all I have to do is open my eyes. Poof. Instantly gone. I’m feeling normal, sitting in a normal world. Close my eyes and relax again, and it’s back as if it never stopped. These aren’t dreams, in fact once I fall asleep the dreams aren’t any different than normal.
Am I flashing back to 1978? Or am I taking hallucinogens as a forty-something middle-aged man? Actually the truth is stranger than the other possibilities. Would you believe, this is bedtime after my Lamictal dose?
In the past, having undiagnosed bipolar disorder I self medicated to an alarming level. I didn’t know it was self-medicating, it’s just what I did, it was part of my daily life, it’s who I was at that time. Also in the past I lived through bouts of extreme hypomania, and also several full-out manias. Today I rarely have the desire to self-medicate, and my manias are more controllable. I thank my primary medication, Lamictal, for that. The Lamictal is doing it’s job, helping to keep me stable. But it’s sneaky. I don’t normally “feel” it working like many other meds. When I take a Seroquel, I absolutely feel it. Ditto Risperdal and others. But usually Lamictal just kind of hangs back there, chillin’, taking care of business in a low-key but powerful way. There are times, however, I can feel some of what’s going on as I described earlier. For all it’s subtlety, Lamictal is no lightweight medication.
Now the “normies” out there are probably horrified at this kind of medication side effect. But honestly, I have it easy. Lamictal doesn’t put me to sleep, doesn’t keep me awake, doesn’t make me put on fifty pounds. A little bit of minor nighttime ‘tripping’ is a measly price to pay. Many of my peers have it SO much worse than I. As sufferers of bipolar disorder, medication side effects are part of the package. Some medications are worse than others, and they all impact each of us differently. But one way or another, it’s something we all learn to live with.
I've been through all the mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics and Lamictal is the only one I can tolerate. The price being clumsiness and accidents, but I'm awake alert, not zombizied and the doc says it can prevent further debilitating depressions which are always the pits. Hang in there!
I'm liking the Lamictal, and the side effects are mainly non-existant. I just find this one curious. I'm not finding any additional clumsiness, and that's a good thing. I'm not the most graceful person in the world.
Thanks for sharing your experiences!
i just started
i am looking forward to email you
can you email me at idramjoy@localisp.com
THANKS U
M J