Long Term Health vs. Current Gains

This post may upset people, and many won't agree. Keep in mind this post speaks to my perceptions of my disorder, and not necessarily to yours. If you don't agree, or have an opinion on this, please leave a comment.

Psych medication is making my bipolar disorder worse. Taking it a step further, psych medication will very possibly render me mentally or emotionally disabled in my lifetime. Going further yet, there is also a good possibility psych medication will render me physically disabled in my lifetime. Finally, and perhaps most surprisingly, I'm not going to stop taking psych medication, at least not in the near future.

My diagnosis was made relatively late in life, in my forties. Before making the decision to undertake a med regime, I did significant research. My psychiatrist was very upbeat about the medication he prescribed (Lamictal), and very unconcerned about long term consequences. At the time I did my research I found very little long-term data on Lamictal, as it was a relatively new drug. I did find quite a bit of information on Lithium, and based on that research asked that he not prescribe Lithium. In hindsight, I now know Lithium is no more damaging than anything else. There's decades of information available on Lithium, both positive and negative, and I chose to dwell on the negative. At that time I hoped, even given the lack of long-term data, that Lamictal was one of the least damaging long-term medications. But least-damaging should not imply non-damaging.

For the first 10 years of my marriage, I was in a constant hypomania, involving alcohol and drug abuse, out of control spending, hypersexuality, binging, and obsessive behaviors. The entire decade is a fuzzy blur. Somewhere in there we had 3 kids, all boys. While I wasn't a bad parent, I wasn't around much. My wife raised the kids, and managed to keep the household together, with significant help from her folks. In this period of time it was all about me - nothing else mattered but my gratification.

The next 10 years found us self-employed with a family-owned and run business. We all worked, and worked hard. 16 hours a day, 7 days a week. Hypomanic periods became less frequent, and gave way to depression and mania. Explosive episodes of rage were becoming very common, and they threatened my safety and that of others around me. I continued to be a decent father to my kids, albeit a slave driver. We spent a lot of time together, most of it at the business. While the boys missed out on some "normal" kid stuff, they had some extraordinary experiences, so I don't feel too bad about that. Towards the end of this decade we had 2 more children, both girls. We ended up losing the business, my spending was still out of control, and contributed to its demise. This entire 10 years was all about the business. Nothing else mattered.

We are currently two thirds through the third decade, the decade of the family. It's payback time, and the debts incurred in the previous 20 years must be settled. My family deserves as much happiness as I can give them to make up for the years of neglect and verbal abuse. To a large degree it's too late for the boys, who are all young adults. I think they understand. But my wife, who has hung with me through 27 years of highs and lows deserves nothing but happiness.