Long-Term Concerns Revisited

Last night my wife and I had a discussion similar to many we’ve had in the past. I told her of my last Sharepost, how I wrote of my fear that long term use of my psych medications will render me disabled at some point in my lifetime.

"Why are you so negative?"

"I wasn’t being negative, I was being realistic. And I did say I felt medication was the right decision for me."

"You need to give people hope!"

"What I write mirrors my mood. It will be down at times, up at times, rambling, manic, caustic, informative – it illustrates what I’m feeling and experiencing at the time I write it."

"I understand that, but people need to know this isn’t the end of the world! That it can be a gift!"

"There we go with the ‘gift’ stuff again. That’s almost as offensive as being told to ‘snap out of it’."

This was a friendly discussion, with both of us taking light-hearted swipes at the other, but the topics were serious. She’s right, there is a lot of negativity out there. People struggling with bipolar disorder need to know life can be good. Very good. But I’ve always taken the approach that I’m not a cheerleader, and I strive to give an accurate view of my thoughts, feelings, wins, losses, highs and lows. What I write is what I feel and believe, be it right, wrong, good, bad, bright or ugly. I can’t do it any other way.

But the more I think about it, the more I know she’s right. When I look deep inside, there is an underlying current of optimism. A confidence that ebbs and flows, but is always there. It’s harder to find when I’m depressed, but when I see the sun shining, and know a depression has lifted, that river of optimism runs a mile wide. And that’s where I am today – my depression of the last 2 months has lifted, at least for now, and things are looking good. I am once again able to look at the bright side, and I am hopeful about the future.

So it's time to revisit my last sharepost from a much different frame of mind.

In a comment on my last post, Just Me said:
"...essentially this decision is a way I've said I'd prefer to die younger from something theoretically preventable than to have my bipolar get worse in a way that could be medication controlled."

This statement is simple and straightforward, but profound in its implications. It's a "live for today" philosophy that many of us have, often out of necessity. This philosophy is echoed by QueenB who says:

"I think for anyone with a mental illness has to live for today. What works for us today. If not, then we will die an even earlier age by self-destructive behaviors or suicide. We really don't have much of a choice now do we?"

This is something we must keep in mind. Of our peers, it's said up to 25% will take their own lives at some point. This is horrifying, and completely beyond the comprehension of somebody outside the community. Whether it's depression or mania, we've all experienced those feelings. It's scary as hell when we climb out and look back. But when we're there, it's a matter-of-fact part of our lives.