I had an interesting discussion with the wife this morning. It was one of those “out of the blue” things that just came up.
I’m in bed sleeping later than normal, and she is up and energetic. She suddenly says “I’m very happy right now, our relationship seems so much better than it’s ever been.”
Normally a statement like this will get my spider sense tingling and the danger is obvious from a mile away. We’ve been married 26 years and any discussion that begins this way is disaster. But being half asleep my response was something like “I don’t think so.” She got quiet and it was suddenly obvious I was going to be late for work.
We actually had a good discussion out of this, it wasn’t nearly as painful as it could have been.
Looking at the relationship from her eyes, it’s understandable. She no longer has to walk on eggshells around me. Prior to my beginning treatment for bipolar disorder she felt she couldn’t tell me certain things, that I would explode. And she was right, I often did. Because of this she frequently hid things that might have set me off. Since being diagnosed and starting meds, I am more laid back, less judgmental, and much easier to live with. She doesn’t have to dread me coming home. She admitted that there was a time she had to have a drink or two just to be able to handle me when I walked through the door. It’s a given I was difficult to live with at times, but I didn’t realize it was that difficult. I reminded her that 6 months ago she had said she didn’t care if I was on meds, it was my decision. She replied “Oh honey, I can’t go back now, you are SO much easier to live with.”
I tried to give my perspective. Our relationship has absolutely changed since beginning treatment, but I don’t immediately share her happiness of the situation. I acknowledge the benefits, but it will take some time to appreciate the new facets in the relationship. In analyzing this I’m going to look like a jerk, but here goes anyway: I was always in complete control of this relationship. Because my bipolar leaned towards the hypomanic side I had a dominant personality and ego to match. Our family was like a business to be managed, and I was the manager. This isn’t to imply I was a rigid, stern, disciplinarian. It was that way at times, but we had a LOT of great times, laughs, and very special family moments. But the possibility that something might set me off was always there. I knew it, they knew it, and they tried hard to shelter me from triggers. Things were good as long as Dad (or husband) stayed happy. Also in this time I was a very passionate, uninhibited person. It was a huge part of what drove me, of who I was.
Today, those defining characteristics have significantly changed or are gone. My wife knows it, and knows she doesn’t have to try so hard to keep me happy. She can think about herself a little more. This is a very good thing from a relationship point of view, but will take a while for my ego to adjust. Not that she thinks about herself, she is very selfless. But the pressure is off, and she is much happier. Another facet, with my libido significantly shrunk by bipolar meds, she doesn’t feel the need to stage pre-emptive strikes in this area. It was a tool in the toolkit used to defuse potential situations, and keep my mind occupied on “other things”. It was hard to be angry after being intimate. This is hard to accept – losing your level of interest, putting on significant weight, and your wife no longer coming on to you. I can certainly initiate intimacy and won’t be turned down, but my motivation just isn’t there. That’s not to say it wouldn’t be if the interest was piqued, but the need is gone, and the confidence with it.
I’m in bed sleeping later than normal, and she is up and energetic. She suddenly says “I’m very happy right now, our relationship seems so much better than it’s ever been.”
Normally a statement like this will get my spider sense tingling and the danger is obvious from a mile away. We’ve been married 26 years and any discussion that begins this way is disaster. But being half asleep my response was something like “I don’t think so.” She got quiet and it was suddenly obvious I was going to be late for work.
We actually had a good discussion out of this, it wasn’t nearly as painful as it could have been.
Looking at the relationship from her eyes, it’s understandable. She no longer has to walk on eggshells around me. Prior to my beginning treatment for bipolar disorder she felt she couldn’t tell me certain things, that I would explode. And she was right, I often did. Because of this she frequently hid things that might have set me off. Since being diagnosed and starting meds, I am more laid back, less judgmental, and much easier to live with. She doesn’t have to dread me coming home. She admitted that there was a time she had to have a drink or two just to be able to handle me when I walked through the door. It’s a given I was difficult to live with at times, but I didn’t realize it was that difficult. I reminded her that 6 months ago she had said she didn’t care if I was on meds, it was my decision. She replied “Oh honey, I can’t go back now, you are SO much easier to live with.”
I tried to give my perspective. Our relationship has absolutely changed since beginning treatment, but I don’t immediately share her happiness of the situation. I acknowledge the benefits, but it will take some time to appreciate the new facets in the relationship. In analyzing this I’m going to look like a jerk, but here goes anyway: I was always in complete control of this relationship. Because my bipolar leaned towards the hypomanic side I had a dominant personality and ego to match. Our family was like a business to be managed, and I was the manager. This isn’t to imply I was a rigid, stern, disciplinarian. It was that way at times, but we had a LOT of great times, laughs, and very special family moments. But the possibility that something might set me off was always there. I knew it, they knew it, and they tried hard to shelter me from triggers. Things were good as long as Dad (or husband) stayed happy. Also in this time I was a very passionate, uninhibited person. It was a huge part of what drove me, of who I was.
Today, those defining characteristics have significantly changed or are gone. My wife knows it, and knows she doesn’t have to try so hard to keep me happy. She can think about herself a little more. This is a very good thing from a relationship point of view, but will take a while for my ego to adjust. Not that she thinks about herself, she is very selfless. But the pressure is off, and she is much happier. Another facet, with my libido significantly shrunk by bipolar meds, she doesn’t feel the need to stage pre-emptive strikes in this area. It was a tool in the toolkit used to defuse potential situations, and keep my mind occupied on “other things”. It was hard to be angry after being intimate. This is hard to accept – losing your level of interest, putting on significant weight, and your wife no longer coming on to you. I can certainly initiate intimacy and won’t be turned down, but my motivation just isn’t there. That’s not to say it wouldn’t be if the interest was piqued, but the need is gone, and the confidence with it.
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