The Bipolar Paradox

your very insightful and I appreciate learning from you G.J You will get through this..this to shall pass My prayers and thoughts are with you my friend. I too have been slipping and feel very vunerable to the slightest upsets. Peace Connie

 

G.J.  Thanks for the posting that explains mixed episodes.  That is what I have been feeling for nearly 3 years since I became Lithium toxic.  I have 2 sisters--both are Bi-Polar.  One has mixed episodes and the other has a episode every few years!  I take medication but don't feel like housework or anything else.  I do like to read, when not in a cycle.

Somebody finally put a label on it. 

i so identified with your post, i am on a downer right now,just had a moan to my boyfriend coz there were no choc chip cookies left,i so dont like myself when i do that, just have a moan coz i am in a mood,then realise i ought to be on my own at times like this.....thanks...peace and love 

wow I have never related to any post as i did to yours!! It is so true... thanx for sharing and i don't think you are over-thinking just telling it as it is.

Oh, the ways in which we twist and turn to change into a "normal" person. I see myself so very much in your article. They love you when you can entertain them or solve the mysteries of the universe. But then...the twist comes. The situation is different either your behavior or the elements within the surroundings. Now they want you to
"calm down" or they roll their eyes  because what you say doesn't make sense. Inside you feel no different and you can see the logic. Why can't they? It's like the dang daisy leaf pull-- they love me - they love me not. As far as the "magic pill" to fix it all. I fear I would pass. Even though I am up down and all around, I am me. I am unique. So much more goes on behind these eyes than simple (yes, I said simple) bipolar. The puzzle which I am is more twisted than can be fixed by one pill. It would take the scrubbing of the soul. The soul I cannot lose. For everything that I am is for a reason. To do more than assist would be to lose me. In a few years (or a few days) this answer may change as of today. I shall twist and smile pretending alls well.

i have experienced these same things.  everything that is normal to others is bipolar to us. every little thing about me screams bipolar and it is somewhat normal for me to be this way and would be normal for others without bipolar; normal for me with bipolar; it is bipolar--again the bipolar paradox.  i have had every mood there is along with every med there is for pyschosis; my psychosis gets pretty bad sometimes and that is not normal but the emotions are "normal" i have fears, angers, griefs, the negative emotions, and they are responsable for my psychosis'.  i am only human and i will experience these emotions.  I have come along way with dealing with bipolar and i won't turn back now.  I have learned so much, about life and love, and about myself.  I won't let that go.  I have a belief in God and He has helped me through out my trials, and He is still helping me through this.  with out Him I couldn't have done it; i rely on Him to get me through this and not just the rough spots the whole thing. 

Hope you enjoyed my feed back,

thanks for listening

sherri bercier

Dear GJ!

 

God bless you, for having said what I have felt for nearly 40 years!  Sometimes people will ask a question of me re my opinion or feelings on a given subject....and I have to say that both sides of the issue are true.  And, yes, they roll their eyes.

 

But on the positive side of it----their are times when I am able to interpret what other people say or do precisely because I can see both sides.  But it sure makes for difficulty when it's time to VOTE!  I'll just get out their and give my civic duty my bipolar best, and I hope everybody on this site will do the same.

When I get into a "mixed mood" period my husband and family get very annoyed with me. When I'm feeling able to explain my feelings to them, they just look at me like I'm crazy. Can anyone help me to explain to others how all this works. Does any one have rapid cycles?  Can anyone help me with it and an explaination to my family? I once when to a psychiatrist that told me there is no such thing as rapid cycles. If that's true than I don't know what is going on. My meds. usually get me on tract but, something eventually gets me going back to feeling crazy. C an anyone help?

I think you are on to something. Too true is the point that our "real" unmedicated selves find an appeal to a group that our medicated selves does not.  How we behave prior to diagnosis and medication is often embraced as "just how we are"?  After diagnosis, it's a real problem.  I'll never forget my last principal's attitude before she became aware of my diagnosis and afterwards.  Before, I was one of the most creative and together people always managing to balance some of the toughest kids.  My scores were great!  Why couldn't others put in the overtime and dedication that I did.  After my diagnosis was told to her (by an innocent 3rd party) I was awful.  I was not to be trusted.  My "creative" classroom became the messy room and pictures were taken to show how not to be.  She frequently asked if I was taking my medication.  She commented if she thought my speech slurred or my concentration was off.  Life changed.  My creativity was now a lack of organization.  My dedication and long hours were attributed to an ineffective use of time.  My therapist recently told me that if she were to ever find out that she had a mental disorder she would NEVER tell anyone--not even her husband because everyone treats people with a diagnosis differently.  This is the stigma that needs to be diminished!!!  BP patients are the same before and after the diagnosis.  The drugs help.  I, personally, feel that to be responsible, BP people need to take their mood disorder agents.  They do flatten out your personality BUT they also keep you from acting out (calling too much attention to yourself--thereby squelching BP).  The paradox is real.  In the South, a diagnosis of bipolar can just about end your social life.  Sad.  These bigots are missing some really great---smart and talented people.  It all ends up sounding simply crazy-----the one word all of us are very sensitive to!

I suffer from mixed episodes.  I didn't realize "they" had a name until after I was diagnosed and started reading up on this "disorder" that I've had for many years, mostly misdiagnosed.

 

Sometimes the 2 ends of the pole get so bad and so angry at each other that it literally does feel like my mind is ripping in two.  I do not like them, the hyperiness combined with suicidal depression.  I've always likened them to a car stopped at a stoplight, the right foot on the accelerator, the left foot firmly on the brake pedal, and the car jurking and lurching and roaring - with some smoke to top it off.

 

The Bipolar Paradox : I like it, I like the terminology you came up with.  It does actually explain the disorder, the Paradox part that is.

 

My family, in particular, hasn't enjoyed me over the years.  I'm always causing issues, it seems.  While I was on meds, I was loopy, droopy, and well - zonked to my hairline.  I feel nothing.  I feel no joy, no excitement, no smile forth coming, absolutely nothing.  I also didn't feel sadness, grief, tearful, or depression, absolutely nothing.  I simply felt nothing.

 

The "family" didn't like me on the medication.  In fact, they have strongly and firmly protested me being on anything outside a tranq. because I wasn't the "me" I used to be on those that I was last on.  So, they don't enjoy me off meds but would rather I not take meds because well... I'm not me. 

 

You take someone who has a zest for life, sees the sunshine and feels it's warmth, delights in colors and music but who also occasionally takes a nose dive.  You put him on meds and the zest for life is gone, the sunshine is now cloudy and cool, and the colors are neutral, the music dull.

 

All this, just to make him "normal".

No, I think you're right on with this. I have lived with this condition for most of my adult life...I'm now 62, and family and friends STILL don't 'get it'. They think I'm making excuses for the things I do. I stay on my meds, but often they lose effectivness after a certain number of years taking them. Also, the best ones don't always quench the worst of the symptoms 100% of the time. I know that despite the meds I often reach the pit of depression, and I think, in order to attempt to overcome that, the manic phase will kick in. Not all of us are completly helped by our meds, and I have changed meds so many times over the years. Sometimes still I feel hopeless and like giving up. My family and friends simply don't want to hear about these things. After all these years, it's like same story, thousandth verse. There are times I simply don't know where to turn. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, yet I do wish they could walk in my shoes for just a while.  My bipolar is complicated by CFS and fibromyalgia, not a pretty combination. I often feel alone, because my friends and family are simply sick of hearing about my problems, which they feel are caused by some lack in me that I could 'fix' if I weren't such a 'moaner' and would do something to help myself.

There are so many times I float far too near that edge, the one which I might not return from. It really hurts, and the attitudes of family and friends make it worse. I think they honestly feel they would be better off without me.

 I can relate to all of these posts in many ways.

 Thank you all for putting in words what we all go through.

 I recently tried explaining , and apologizing , to a friend about

 why my behaiviors occured during my infamous 2003 episode ,

 as I so fondly refer to it these days.

 The apology was accepted but the understanding just wasn't there

 concerning the loss of control that happens when hypomanic.

 You really have to experience these things to appreciate the fact

  our intentions are affected by the change in brain chemistry.

 As if we would intentionally choose to see how much damage and pain we could inflict on others as well ourselves.

 But then in fairness I have to ask would I be understanding on the receiving end of such behavior.

 Of course I would because of my complete and utter perfection

 as a caring and compassionate human being. ( just kidding )....sort of.

 Thanks again to all for your insightful and helpful posts.

 

 

 

    

GJ.

Just a note to say your post was a good read and I got

a kick out of the way you vented your irritation in certain places.

 

I guess one of the hardest thing associated with trying to control the illness is how it affects each and every one of us differently. A mixed state can be somewhat defined as a person suffering from depression and hypomania at the same time. It’s a constant internal struggle of not ever knowing which way to go.

 

You’re in a constant state flux of feeling like in comparison with a relationship of do I stay or do I go. You don’t know how to feel because it keeps changing and you are dumbfounded of where these emotions of sadness to rage are coming from….you start to feel like you are loosing it …and you are.

 

Medications can and do help if administered properly. All too often what ends up being the case is getting over medicated to stop all the outward appearances of the horrid illness raring its ugly head to transforming it into this docile foot shuffling individual that feels nothing. Family members are at the end of their ropes of having to deal with out butts and pray for this calmness to occur.

 

What most don’t seem to realize is once it rear’s its ugly head, medications are only used to help all involved deal with it. It’s still going on internally and has to run its course. If you went into a mixed manic state and were medicated….it didn’t stop the episode and the medications are there to help you get through that internal battle that’s still going on inside. Be thankful for the time being of not being able to feel anything.

 

You psychiatrist is now waiting and watching for you to finally come off the high in order to catch you before you do a nosedive into depression. Being open and honest during this period is a must. When it starts to take place your anxiety will start to rise and feelings of inadequacies start to show. You start to worry about family and friends, feel terrible for what you feel you have put family and friends through…I think you get the picture.

 

Your psychiatrist needs this information to start pulling you off the heavy hitters and to try their best to get you stabilized somewhere in the middle. Communication is everything. G.J, I enjoyed the article and would rather hear words from the heart any day than listen too BS. Just make sure you seek the help you need before it becomes too much.

Wow is all I can say. I've never read anything that fit's me so to the T. I've always wondered how I could be going along at 60 MPH & then all at once crash & burn. The mixed moods explains it all. Since I've been tracking my moods I'm seeing more & more mixed mood days.

I agree, the biggest problem is communicating w/ those near you & those you love. I'm lucky because my husband will let me rehash what's going on. with others in my life I not so lucky. Most just want to hid from me.

It explains also how I can blow-up at someone over nothing & then be just fine. My question is how do you explain to that person later you've blown up at? Do you tell them your bipolar or just make an apology & hope the forgive you?

 

Red

Wow... thank you to each of you for writing about your experiences! My 6 year old son is bipolar and is a charming, sweet, charismatic little guy who often has a Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde personality. We adopted him when he was 9 months old and have already fought through so many challenges in his short life - prenatal drug exposure (he was born addicted to cocaine) bonding and attachment disorder, developmental delays, speech delays, sensory integration dysfunction... all of it. He has come so far but has such difficulty expressing how he feels and what he experiences - it is difficult to watch him struggle and to not take it personally when he lashes out in frustration. Reading what all of you have written helps me to get a better grasp on what is going on inside of him that he just can't tell us yet. Any suggestions?

According to my pdoc (the dx she puts on the ins. form) for many months I have been "mixed" from moderate to severe.  I know I don't sleep despite taking Trazodone & klonopin plus all manner of drugs for bp.  She wants to add Serequell (sp?) but I'm resisting--already take 6 meds.

 

For me, being mixed is that I'm pretty hypo manic, but I can switch into a deep depression at the drop of a hat or can become enraged over little things.  I over react to things, become irrational.  One comment or even a glance that I interpret negatively from my husband can throw me into a depression. 

 

I don't sleep more than 3-4 hours (1 1/2 hours tonight--bed at 10:30, up at 12:15).  I'm trying to "ride through" my depressions when they hit.  A year & a half ago I did an overdose when the depression hit & ended up in the ER.

 

Now I reassure myself that the depression will pass.  I will make it through it & will feel better eventually.  I'm making better decisions.  Instead of acting on the desire to overdose, I've called suicide prevention.

 

I'm beginning to wonder if I will stay "mixed" forever.

http://www.deafvideo.tv/watch/5463

Check out video about bipolar. 

....as a CHRONIC mixed staged, rapid cycling bp I must say GJ that your post touched me so much, so few understand INCLUDING ourselves the paradox of the mixed mood stage, it just doesn't make sense that one can be both. However I look at it from a perspective of those "watching" or living with us;

From a Distance......I seem full of energy when in fact my body is so weary,  From a distance I seem moody and irritatable when in fact I'm in a state of confusion, From a distance I seem to analyse far too much when in fact my mind races too much to rest, From a distance I seem disorganized when in fact I know my patterns, From a distance I seem hermit like and withdrawn, when in fact I'm utilizing my coping skills. From a distance I seem overly emotional, when in fact my heart is aching. From a distance I seem to overreact to life stressors, when in fact I am dealing with them in my own way, the only way I can. From a distance I seem a mental case, when in fact I am a creative, imaginative, artistic person.  From a distance Bipolar seems a curse, when in fact it is a variety of personality that has produced so many greats how can one wish it gone from the face of the earth.  From a distance BP's seem a leach on society, when in fact they created the most beautiful of poems, the classics of paintings, and novels we cherish to this day,the best music for ALL mentality,  not to mention the scientific greats who have won Nobel Prizes and continue to contribute to society through their DIFFERENCE>>>>From a distance I seem to be unreliable, when in fact i cant control my abilities to function.  From a distance I seem to look "normal" and in control, when in fact i'm bouncing off the walls unseen and playing billiards in my head with my thoughts and emtions and effects of my physical ailments................

but this is only from A DISTANCE>>>.that one can see the per say advantages of bp mentality....when under control and when staying on meds.....the philosphy and insight bestowed upon us is astronomical and often very very prophetic in a sense......HOWS that for a paradox??? Cursed with the illness.....or blessed with the insight of a different mentality from this weary weary world?????
ctrygirl

GJ THANK YOU for presenting this issue....it is so good to see and compare and contrast the ins and outs of our illness.....I too am a rapid, VERY RAPID cycler, and VERY mixed mood stage bp, almost daily i am in a mixed mood stage and change my moods within a 24 hour period, it effects ME the most i do believe for i've learned to keep the "details" of my mind and inner soul to myself, although i have the best support group there is here at home, i don't think ANYONE can totally "get it" unless they too are whirling, and twirling, and cartwheeling in their minds and bodies, while their souls and spirits are worn down with depression SIMULTANEOUSLY>>>just too much for the "average" mind to comprehend and rightly so I guess, for I too would never have guessed one could be in such a state, until.....until.....until I experienced it myself and get this to this DAY it amazes me at how quickly my  moods will switch, therefore if we can't understand it how could we ever expect ourl oved ones or support group to, UNLESS they too are tumbling in their own heads????
I LOVE YOUR OPEN ENDED POSTS>>>>Means so much to read others responses.....THANK YOU AGAIN GJ>>>>I didn't know you were also rapid and mixed cycling.....makes me even MORE a fan of your posts!! Thanks for always helping us all and MAKING US THINK DEEPER BELOW THE SURFACE>>>>so important i believe...so important....

love ctrygirl

GJ,

 

I think a lot of what a bipolar goes through is the inability to 'follow through',,, to sustain a thought to it's logical conclusion. We cannot sustain for this would mean an 'end' to something. We fear death, commitment. We get an idea in our heads, take it two steps into reality, then, for whatever reason, turn back. Maybe this is the disease. Or maybe it's a lack of 'will'. In any case, we stop.

We then need something to 'do' so are required to pickup the pieces again of a shattered reality. In this case however, the 'continuity' of the idea has been broken,,, we are reluctant to 'go back' to what was, ergo, depression, aloneness,,, a kind of purgatory until we fond the 'will' to accept our mortality, our humanity, and start again,,, philosophically speaking anyways. ;-)

 

 

G.J.,

 

A paradox can be a hard thing to come out of, once drawn into it. I think the mixed episode is a paradox only when you look at the mania and depression in linear fashion, like a diametric opposition between mania and depression. I see it (the brain in a mixed episode) more like a short-circuiting computer that surges and fries multiple circuits, while simultaneously underpowering others. There is no diametric opposition, no paradox, just a lot of unregulated electricity (or electro-chemistry). As powerful and devastating as bipolar disorder is, I'm not prepared to accord it the power of paradox.

 

I agree with you, no matter how one might try to describe it, it's difficult to relate this state of mind to someone who hasn't truly experienced it ... I'm reminded of the scene in Star Trek IV, where Spock informs McCoy that for the two of them to engage in meaningful conversation about his resurrection, McCoy would first have to die and be resurrected himself. We can accurately describe what we go through, and our audience can intelligently process that what we are talking about is hard and chaotic - they might even be able to remember times when they were sick, on the couch feeling miserable, and laughing at something they saw on television as an attempt to connect with our description - but without having experienced depression and hypomania, they stand no chance at relating to what we're trying to describe. The best we can do is try to describe it (since the worst thing we can do is shut people out), and the best they can do in return is respect that what we go through isn't easy. I thought your words about what we can go through when we try to make ourselves 'better' for our loved ones, friends or even peers and colleagues, to be hauntingly realistic.

 

Thank you for writing up such a thought-provoking article - it's something I'll continue to think about, and will probably ask others to read.

Hi G.J. and Everyone. I know this question posted is not very recent, however, I feel inclined to post my own experience. But first, I am glad that you, G.J. climbed back up the ladder and hope you are feeling better. I must be in a mixed episode/mood, whtever. I think it must have begun about one month ago...I remember  a "thought" getting me out of bed. I succumbed to its attraction and got out my pen and paper to begin the "poetic" writing that this muse woke me to do. Of course, it was three when I finally got back into my bed, and three hours later when I arouse to go to work.  I teach art...a busy schedule of seven classes a day. I think I had a couple of more late nighters...but not anything that got me out of bed, just stayed up too late reading. And then, now, today...March 15, I am in a crummy, irritated, depressed, unmotivated mood...I think I will go to the store where the stimulation of looking at things can give me a little bit of a "feeling good" sense, and then the walk around the neighborhood with my dog helped a bit, but I found myself thinking too introspectively, and I thought to myself, "I wonder if being introspective makes me bipolar and depressed, or maybe, being depressed and bipolar makes me introspective... ?" and then the next thought came:  I did not trust anyone anymore, my therapist, my psychiatrist...who now wants me to try Abilify since lithium caused major hypothyroidism in me. I am so frightened of taking any more medications, I don't know what to do!!!! What will they do to me long term...maybe they have caused all these problems...I don't think I have gotten any better in the seven years since I have taken medications...  And I think my pdoc  is just scamming me...it's the way he makes a living....dishing out pharmaceuticals...and then my therapist telling me that maybe I am suffering from mild paranoia ,( which he says is a bipolar trait)...paranoia? ....because I don't trust him, and I am anxious over everything in life....but look at life....our maddening world would/should cause everyone anxiety, right?  So, I don't even care anymore about anything...I then get angry over things in my past, which considering what others have had happen, my issues are really trivial, but regardless, my whole unhappy life makes me miserable, irritable, angry and not motivated.  Then I get really angry because I want so much to be able to get up and do the things my creative brain is telling me to do: like finish the painting I started this past summer, finish the puppet I started three months ago, finish the book for my sisters birthday last weekend. Oh, crap, I can't get organized, I can't get motivated, I need my husband to give me a hug...and I can't get myself to ask him because I am mad that I always have to ask him...oh, poor pitiful me!  I get so frustrated at myself when I get in this jam.  Maybe I will go ride my bike and enjoy the air and the coolness today. I really hate spring....winter and fall are my favorite; I can be wrapped in the solitude of the seasons, that quietness usually fits my mood. I feel safe there....things are quiet...spring is too loud...and the light makes me stay up and go longer and get all out of whack!  Well, I hope those of you that are reading this post can figure it out, because this is pretty much my experience with "mixed episodes".  If you respond, just make sure you don't say anything that will set me off, I can't seem to handle anything mean, critical, or reprimanding, and of course, even if what you say is not meant that way, I will, because I am in this "crappy, unbearable, mixed mood", think that it is.  I forgot to add, I don't have an appetite when I am mixed, and that is not good because not eating definetly does nothing to improve your mood.  So maybe I am not even bipolar, maybe I am just sensitve to being overwhelmed, stressed and sleep deprived....or is that bipolar? 

To end my dialogue....I am sorry I shared my irritable mood with you. I am  hoping, however, that everyone else out there is having a better day than I am....I really mean that, too, because you are all nice people. 

oh Hi Greg

No, don't worry about your comments about wallmart and girls showing up in mid-drifts...I was not offended....I actually thought, "he's funny". 

 

I went to my pdoc yesterday....and he want me to try ability.  Have you heard any BAD  things about this drug?  I know everything effects people differently.  I need something...I just finished yelling at my husband when I could have discussed things calmly, but of course, getting into any emotional type of situation, overwhelms, over-powers me....are bipolars like that?

 

raku

My husband has been recently diagnosed with BP1. I do believe every word written is so true.. I strongly believe it was his mysterious nature that got me hooked.. how he had all these brilliant ideas and goals to achieve.. then over the years, those dreams slowly faded.. he became very anxious too.. but recently, he has been in the mania phase.. this manic phase was what triggered me to believe he was bipolar (only because two years ago his brother was diagnosed)... soon he quickly spiralled out of control and was hospitalised.. now he is back at home.. and slowly.. i am begining to adapt to this knowledge of the disease he has.. It has also struck me that he possibly has been bipolar ever since i met him.. and over the years.. (9 years) i have learnt to adapt to him.. so i guess this is just another phase of bipolar i need to adapt tooo.. but oh my.. its so tiring..