It seems like I'm always whining about something, doesn't it? I'm actually a very positive person, but when writing it's like opening the vault. All the stuff I've been holding inside comes to the surface. That's a very good thing - for me. But thinking back, a lot of my shareposts have been negative in nature. I try to give an accurate picture of how this disorder impacts my life, and for me there's a lot of negatives. I admit to being guilty of the "it's a gift" mindset at times, but that's confined to prolonged periods of hypomania. Here's a belated New Year's resolution to stay more positive in what I'm writing. But moving on (and not exactly positively...)
I've been beating myself up for an inability to write recently. Even a short SharePost has been completely outside my grasp. Believe it or not, it significantly impacts my life. I feel like I can't make any plans in case I finally find the ability to write something. I sit at work and try to write. I get up early, stay up late, but I end up doing other things beside writing. This isn't a job for me, it's what I do for enjoyment and therapy. So when I lose the ability to write even a short blog post, it's upsetting.
This is due to a period of mania. It's probably more accurate to say it's more of a significant hypomania, as there has been little psychosis. Some, but not a lot of psychosis. This is a textbook example - racing thoughts, high energy level, and many of the stereotypical behaviors that go along with the hypomania. For me, the worst part is the insomnia. I'm averaging 4 hours of sleep a night, and have been for several weeks. A lack of sleep feeds the hypomania / mania, and does some very strange things to the mind. Surprisingly, the body works just fine with a lack of sleep. I continue to work out, albeit not as often as I'd like. I have the strength and energy I have under "normal" conditions. But the mind does some very strange things. For the first time ever, I've had "auditory abnormalities". Heard sounds that weren't there, either whispering, or more often voices mixed in with other noise that didn't belong. For example, a newscaster type of voice during a TV movie. It's a little unnerving. But there are 2 thing that are major issues due to insomnia. First and foremost, my memory is significantly impacted. My memory is fading fast anyway, but this is really embarrassing when I can't remember major things I did at work just a day or two before. If this keeps up, I'll have a hard time keeping my job. I've lost jobs before (several), and while painful, things always work out. Another major side-effect of insomnia is the lack of creativity. That's obvious from the lack of posting I've done here over the last month.
But there I go again with the negativity. I actually have a SharePost in progress about the best ways to handle mania, therefore avoiding the dangerous behaviors that go along with them.
