Good Morning,

Yes, like

It's odd because when he truly wants to love me he does but it doesn't happen very often.......and I am at the point where if he does want to fool around with me why?  There is no satisfaction on my end, only his.....He does hug and kiss me every day and he does work every day as well but he never has any money....I also work every day and I pay all the bills with my money not his.......he makes very good money......Like I had mentioned before, he really is like 2 different people.  It's crazy.  I can't keep up with him and who he is on a daily basis.  I try to keep to myself and be myself but you can't when you live with some one who's peronalitly is constantly changing......as one minute you can talk to them and the next you can't!  It drives you crazy it really does.  The most bizzare thing about this relationship is that what I feel and think, he does too but it's my fault it's all happening....when I try to talk to him to tell him how I feel it all ends up my fault.  He's always saying it's too hard to tallk to me he can't talk to me or he in a sarcastic way will say I ALWAYS have to understand and I'm sitting there like are you serious!  From the day I met him I have gotten nothing but negative feed back it's always something bad or negative going on on his end, not mine and if he tries to talk to me about it, if I disagree in any way or say one thing wrong, oh boy the almight fight will break out.  It depends on his mood too.  Every now and again I can talk to him but it's not very often and if and when that time does come when we can talk, at some point when he gets back to his normal way meaning his crazy way, he will bring up that same exact conversation and rip it apart and make me feel bad all over again, there is no room for defending yourself what so ever...he can never be wrong not can it ever be his fault and it so odd because you really feel like  your a loser and that it's your fault....because if you start to make any sense and try to talk it out, nope, he flips out starts yelling and then you lose your train of thought....they just want to beat you down so bad until you are left with nothing for yourself....it's the most insane thing......One minute you think things between you are going to be just fine then the next minute your telling yourself you can't take it any more and start asking yourself if this is worth it and why and you just start to get yourself crazy all over again because they are going through a faze.....it's insane.....I notice when my confidence is build back  up, that's when he starts his crap, now I snap right back and if he stays he stays as that was my fear before, him leaving but I didn't want it left that it was my fault....I want him to see it in his eyes as his fault.....The point here is that they say so much negativity to you and about you at that time and when you do go to defend yourself you forget what direction you were going in because you can't get a word in edge wise.....it's just sick and now before when I used to look at him I felt that love in my heart...not any more now think to myself okay crazy person your a freak.....but he's the one actually doing the name calling...they don't want you to have any confidence because if you do, then you will see right through it and not put up with it.  If your down, your looking for that approval from them and that love, you won't get it and they will just push you down further knowing you will go above and beyond to make them happy and do what ever they want you to.  DON'T, because in the end and in their eyes, you doing just that, you do look like a loser and you end up feeling like one too because your not only getting abused by them, your being nice back to them to top it all off and doing what ever it is they want you to because you want to try to redeem yourself and make them happy.....does not work.....Now I fight back, he doesn't like it too bad, I am the one paying the bills, taking care of the kids and making sure the not only the house is clean but the laundry is done and just about everything else.....WHO'S THE LOSER...not me....I have a very loving family behind me as well.....Don't know what I was thinking before.....I guess I was just to wrapped up and focused on him and keeping him happy that I lost sight of everything else.....You leave you leave...see ya....I feared that before but now, I welcome it.  I am not the one who's going to be at a loss he is.....I can stand on my own two feet he needs me more I think than he loves me.....Once it's over maybe he will realize it and maybe he wont'.....I know I did the right thing.......He can't get to me any more....and I think he knows it.

Please take care and you are not crazy.....I thought I was too for a long time....I am too strong of a person to let it happen.  I came back from the dead and I am not going back.......Life is too short.....

Princeton

I have been in your situation.  It's so bizzare.  I just stop now and listen and don't say anything and then he'll say "are you even listening to me"  When he now goes off the deep end, I just say, "are you trying to start a fight"  His new thing is I am only trying to talk to you, I can't even talk to you and I say back then talk, there is no need to yell and scream as if your going to do that, then I don't want to hear what you have to say.  He told me he can't control himself when he gets angry and I told him I feel like I am all alone in the relationship as I have to hold so much in and so much back because if I unleash with what I really want to say our relationship will be over.  I told him I don't know how I can love you so much and yet be unhappy.  I guess when it really gets to that point because I do have patience then I will walk.  I told him if your going to be mean and say mean things I am going to give it right back to you.  Do not expect me to be nice or give you that respect because it won't happen.  If you want a dog I told him, the I suggest you go out and buy one.  As this way you can yell and scream all you want and when it's over you can apologize to the dog and the dog will still love you and listen to you. I am how ever a human being and your right, if your so bad why the hell and I still here...that's another he says to me, if I am so bad then why do you stay and I tell him it's because I love him.  There are a lot of woman in abusive relationships but just don't realize it.  This may not be phyical one but it is a mental one.  I told him if you feel you can not control yourself then what does that tell you, you NEED HELP, if you can't control your emotions regarding being angry!  I do not treat you like that or yell and scream. I may raise my voice but that's about it. 

They won't admit they are weak, no way.  My guy says I make him feel bad about himself and I told him then don't treat me the way you do because your not going to get a positive response out of it.  Don't flip out.....when I give it back to him he hates it and feels I am trying to fight with him more I tell him what your doing is abuse I will contiue to treat you this way as long as your going to continue to treat me the same way.  Be nice and so will I as if not why should I be nice to you.  You don't like it, leave.

Princeton~

I very rarely even get an apology. He has said many times that if he believes he's wrong he will apologize. I guess he thinks he's never wrong but they're very few and far between. In fact, no matter what happens, I'm the one who is at fault. I'm the one who is starting the fight, and he is an innocent victim. He tells me I'm nuts and need to get on some meds. That's usually MY trigger point to make ME even more angry.

You know what you say to that one...I have gotten that too and I say, you know what your right, I do need to be on meds to deal with you as before I met you, I wasn't the person I am now!!!!   You don't like strong women, you want them nice and weak so you can mold them to what you want, you think verbal & physical abuse is normal and your telling me I need to be on meds!  Nice try....

That one always gets them, be by the door when you say that one if you decide to say it....this way you can run right out and have your cell phone too and threaten to call 911 if he comes any closer...let your neighbors see what your going through!  He won't know what to do....trust me.

Princeton~

I did get to where I kept my cell phone with me at all times just to be sure I had access to 911 or somebody to help if needed. But then he started getting suspicious and asking who am I expecting to call. See how suspicious he is where other men are concerned? And my cell phone IS now broken from this last mess. He grabbed it from me and slammed it on the floor. It's still usable but the screen has a big crack in it and there are other things wrong with it. It just makes me so mad that all the nicer things I get, he destroys. Trying to raise four kids and then putting them through college meant that I had to do without a lot of things. I didn't mind that at all in order to give the kids a good start. But now that they're all on their own, I'm finally able to use my money for nice things for myself that I didn't have all those years. And one by one all my expensive or nice things are getting destroyed by him. Expensive clothes are getting ripped to pieces, he broke my $60 sunglasses. That's not real expensive but seeing that I always bought Walmart cheap sunglasses, it's more expensive that what I was used to. My one and only coach purse now has broken shoulder straps. Vases and knick knacks that I got on vacations that can't be replaced have been busted on the floor or against the wall, books ripped to shreds, and now my nice cell phone. There are several holes in the walls, he threw a glass into the computer monitor and I had to replace the monitor. He broke the headboard of the bed - and not in an amazing sex kind of way. CDs have been thrown all over the place, as has DVDs. I can't count how many times the house has been a literal mess because of his tantrums, and not a single time has he cleaned it up. I even left it there a couple days once hoping that he would clean it up, but of course he didn't. In fact, he's quite frankly very lazy.

But today has still been a very good day. No face to face yet, but on the phone he's still the man I fell in love with. I'm still pretty bitter, though, every time I look in the mirror.

I really wish I could bring myself to tell somebody. I called off work today and can stay off through Wednesday, but then I have to have a doctor's excuse in order to stay off any longer than three days. I called my family doctor to try to get in to see her this week and possibly get something for the stress for now and I'm sure she'd have written me an excuse to be off for the rest of the week after she saw me. But she's booked up this week and they're closed on Monday for the holiday. So I guess it will be back to work on Thursday looking like this, and I'll have to come up with an excuse for what happened.

I do pride myself for being a level-headed person normally, but in this situation I'm really not. I know I should walk away. I know I should tell my family so I have some kind of support system and to possibly give me encouragement to just let him go, but I can't seem to do it. I did talk to one of my daughters and she is furious and doesn't want him around anymore. Both my sons would go after him physically if they knew, and I really don't want that for any of them...including my boyfriend. I found myself defending him to my daughter when she spoke so negatively about him....he's had a rough life, he's going through some major life changes right now, he wasn't raised with a kind father to teach him how to treat women or a nurturing mother to give him hugs when he was scared and lonely, he has a medical problem, he's a very kind and loving man most of the time, blah blah blah. All of that is true, but I'm going through some big changes, too. I didn't have a Beaver Cleaver childhood, either. I have medical problems, too. But I don't pick fights with people I love, and I certainly do not continuously physically OR emotionally harm them.  Knowing how wrong he is for doing this to me, and knowing how wrong I am for continuing the relationship, I don't know why I can't just let him go.

I stood my ground and didn't call him at all when I'm always the one who breaks down and calls him first. He finally called me and at first I let the calls go to voicemail. The messages he left were so predictably pitiful. "How can you so easily stay away from me this long with no contact at all? I know I'm not good enough for you, but I believed you when you said you loved me."  " I guess you're going to be like everybody else in my life and just turn your back and walk away from me."  "I guess you lied when you said you love me.  I'm nothing without you."  "I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you are (or your kids are, or your family are)." "I guess you're calling (insert ex-husband and ex-boyfriend's names here)."  I finally answered and talked to him but I haven't let him come back yet.

I have threatened to call the police when the abuse starts, but then it gets worse because of the threat. He says he's hurt that I would even consider it, and then I stupidly feel guilty for making him scared of going to jail. I don't know how he does it. I'm an educated woman, I'm a strong woman, or so I thought. But where he's concerned I'm mush. He's able to convince me that I did this or that to start the fight and it's nothing like what really happened.  It's as if we're talking about two different arguments. He has even tried to say that I hit back or that I hit him first. I would love to know where I was in all this. I don't know if he really does believe that crap or if he's trying to convince me. Afterwards, of course, he does feel bad, he never says tells me that unless I bring up. I've asked him doesn't he even feel bad after he sees the bruises, scratches, bumps, and lumps and he does genuinely feel bad and embarrassed. But at the same time he whines about his own aches and pains from it. The aches and pains he has from it are from the force he put into hitting me, not anything that I did to him. The few times I did hit back it didn't even connect to his body with any kind of force that would hurt him, let along leave a mark, and my hands were too busy protecting myself from the blows to do anything back to him. But he's being such a whiner about it. The only marks he has on his body from my doing are from my nails. Not from me scratching him but from him connecting with my nails when I have my arms and hands blocking my face from the blows.  I don't think he uses his fist, but the palms of his hands have been bruised from the force he uses to hit me. Even typing this I see how completely nuts it sounds that I would even consider letting him back into my life. So why can't I just let go?

I haven't seen him in person yet but we've been talking on the phone and in email. In a way I would like him to see me in this battered condition so he can see what he did to me since the worst of the bruises and swelling came after I made him leave, but I know if I let him come over here I'll just get sucked back into it all. I love him so much, and when he's not in this angered state, it's the most wonderful relationship I've had. For those good times, it's hard to let go. He offered to see a counselor with me and if I do agree to go with him, I'm going to meet him there so I have my own car to get back home, because I know he'll be mad at me afterwards. He'll go in there acting like Mr. Innocent and I'm going to be completely honest with the counselor. He's very convincing when he tries to say it all happened in a different way than it really did. He calls one of his sisters during some of the arguments, and he blatantly lies to her about what happened, what was said, and has even told her that I hit him first. He makes the whole thing out to sounds like I'm this awful woman hurting her brother verbally and physically. I don't know if she really believes him or not. I would think that she knows better than that, but who knows.  She has told me that I'm good for him and that he's never seemed happier or had such a good outlook for his future than he has since we've been together. I think if it were just the verbal abuse I could handle it and I wouldn't feel so sorry for myself. But then again, the verbal abuse sometimes hurts me more than the physical abuse does. I do know that I won't put my engagement ring back on until I feel like some kind of progress is being made towards a calmer life with him. I don't even expect calm really. After reading about this disease, I know a life with him will probably never be calm and quiet. I just don't want conflict every single day, and I especially don't want it to lead to the physical abuse anymore.  I can't hide out like this every other week. And I can only have so many "accidents" before people know the real truth.

Oh my gosh, how horrible that you were basically kidnapped and beaten like that. I'm so glad you had the courage to defend yourself and do something about him. I admire you for your bravery.

It really has helped me to read this site. I started a journal, as somebody on here suggested, and I'm writing down his "triggers" as I can remember them.  Thank you for responding. Your advice is very helpful and very encouraging to help me feel less guilty about taking care of myself first. How are things going with you?

Oh, well let me thank you for the journal suggestion. As soon as I write this reply I'm going straight to the journal. I have some new drama to enter. He is a little unsettled right now with my new attitude. We talked much more yesterday, but I wasn't available to him every time he called. I almost always am, and if I'm not going to be able to answer my phone, I always tell him what I'm doing ahead of time so he doesn't worry or stress about me. I decided to do some yard work and was outside without my cell phone. I told him ahead of time what I was doing, but when I was finished I took a book outside and read for an hour or so. There was a missed phone call when I came in and when I called him back, he was all suspicious and nasty about me being gone so long. Even though that one phone call was the only call he had made to me, he went over the edge and made accusations like he thought I was doing something I shouldn't have been doing and told me that he was worried sick, which was putting him into a panic. We finally got over that and moved on, and he wanted to come over. I'm still not ready for that, and he agreed that we could just talk on the phone until I feel ready to see him. The conversation was going well, and then he started making sarcastic "poor me" type comments. Normally this is how it starts. I start basically groveling and walking on egg shells with every little word I say. This time I didn't. At first I cried at some nasty comment, and he apologized. This was headway, because he NEVER apologizes that early or unless I apologize first. Normally he just gets defensive and gives me a long list of reasons why I should give him a break and basically put up with it. Then a bit later he started in again, and this time it was back to normal, where he was defensive, accusatory, whiney, throwing past things in my face, etc. I threw things right back at him this time, and his response to MY throwing things back at him is that he thought we were starting over so we can move forward and then he yelled at me for bringing up old stuff. I told him I was only doing to him what he did to me, and when he started raising his voice to me again, I told him the conversation was over as far as I'm concerned because I am NOT going to spend the evening doing this again. I hurt, I don't feel well, and I'm physically and emotionally drained, so I'm going to hang up and watch TV for a while. I did, and then I got a long string of text messages about how horrible I am, how I need to give his meds time to work (I hear this every single time he does this) and when I didn't answer, he started those same abandoning him comments, said he guesses we're over and that I lied when I said I loved him, I didn't give him a chance, thanked me for ruining his life, etc., etc. I sent my own string of messages telling him what I need. The last one said if you can't do these things, tell me now. Then I went back to watching TV and didn't hear the phone alert to tell me I had another message. I heard the phone ring, answered it, and he starting yelling at me that I'm ignoring him and that I'm cold and insensitive, etc., etc., and he hung up on  me. Normally I would have called him back to get him to talk this out, but I didn't. I went to bed. He sent several text messages throughout the night, waking me up each time, but I was too sleepy to be able to even read the messages without my glasses and I refused to get up and get them. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I love him so much. Yesterday I was at the point where I was going to probably let him come back today. But now I'm back to feeling emotionally exhausted. I think if I can get in to see my doctor and get something to help me handle this, at least until we can start counseling together, then maybe I can deal with it better. I did answer his text messages when I got up this morning but he hasn't responded. When he does respond, he'll tell me he hasn't slept all night, even though I'm sure he's sleeping now. He is bad about just turning off his phone when he's upset with me because he knows that worries me and just really makes me mad. I don't have a clue if that's what he did this time because I didn't call him, and I'm not going to. If he calls me, we'll talk. If not, then we just won't.

Like you, I dwell on everything that happens. Sometimes I feel I'm hypersensitive but then I know I wouldn't talk to him that way, so why should I put up with that from him or anybody else. He throws in my face that I can go back to (husband and/or ex-boyfriends' names) since they are so perfect and he's such a loser (his word, not mine), and then he'll start throwing nasty comments about them to me...the reasons that he knows I left them. I REALLY regret ever telling him anything about any of my past relationships, but we were friends before we were together romantically, so I shared a lot of things with him that he now throws in my face. And like you, too, I can't do anything until the present issue is resolved. Last night was the first night that I ever actually went to bed before things were resolved. I've gone to work many days with no sleep from being up all night with him over some issue. But at a certain time when he knows it's nearing the hour that I need to get ready for work, the issue is suddenly resolvable or he'll hang up on me and I'll have a full day of work trying to reach him. He has a bad habit of hanging up on me and then shutting off his phone so that it goes straight to voice mail. If I don't leave voice mail, then I'm uncaring for not even reaching out to him or he's easily dismissed and forgotten or I'm with another man. It's an endless vicious cycle. AND like you, I'm always the one to call him and make amends, to apologize, to ask him to work things out. I didn't this time, so I'm sure when he wakes up today he'll let me know how horrible I am for abandoning him and he'll lie and say he hasn't slept. I don't know why he wants me to always believe he isn't sleeping. Many times I wake up through the night, hear him snore, and then I'm able to go back to sleep peacefully knowing that he's sleeping. Because I do know that he has episodes of insomnia, it makes me feel comforted when he snores because I love when he's able to sleep. But even though he might snore all night long, he will insist he did not close his eyes all night long and he will put me down for sleeping when he couldn't.

I quickly realized that he tried to keep us as busy as possible so I would not have time to talk with anyone or make plans either.  I would sit and wallow in something that I didnt' even do and actually feel that maybe if I wasn't so defensive then maybe we could talk, maybe I need to open my mind up more......I sit for hours and try to figure it out while he hadn't a care in the world because he turned the table, he started, made me feel bad and I was left with the situation and when I would finally talk it turn out my fault  and I needed to do better and I had to agree with everything he said or forget the conversation would be over and he would just leave....and I feared that because I knew he would so I would always try to keep the peace.....  That is exactly what my boyfriend does. First of all, he doesn't want me to do anything at all without him. If I even suggest that I'm going to do something....go to the mall, go to visit one of my kids/grandkids, go to a restaurant, etc., then he pouts and gets very upset. If I have something planned, some kind of crisis comes up with him that prevents me from going or makes me feel too guilty to go. He wants to have female friends surrounding him, and I've never had a problem with it because I'm usually pretty confident. But it's the end of the world and I'm a cheat if I mention a male colleague or a male friend. I just don't anymore, and I've alienated nearly every person in my life for his peace of mind. Now he's making up little fibs about some of my family members who I KNOW wouldn't have done/said the things he is saying they did. You don't know somebody your entire life and then suddenly their whole personality changes where he is concerned. I know he's trying to turn me against that particular person so that I don't want to spend time with them. He has even done that with his sister. She used to call me to go shopping with her or to just meet for lunch since we work only two blocks from one another and have the same lunch hour. But he has told her so many negative things about me and calls her during the arguments and lies to her IN FRONT OF ME about what's going on at that moment with the particular argument that now we don't even talk. I don't know if she believes him or if she just is getting tired of getting those calls and getting dragged in the middle of our fights, but he's certainly put a halt to that relationship, too, and that is his sister!! You would think he would want me to be close to his family. And like you mentioned, I'm always the one trying to fix things for fear that he'll leave and end the relationship. And I'm just not one who can move on with anything in my day until an argument is resolved. I like to talk things out reasonably and intelligently, not argue, call names, throw things in each other's faces, swear, rant, rave, etc. I feel like I'm back in high school. In fact, I had more mature relationships in high school than this one.

I haven't noticed when he reverts to the pity stuff in our arguments, but I'm going to start paying attention to see if it's like you mentioned and he starts it when he sees the tantrums aren't working.I'll journal everything so I can see the patterns of things, what the triggers are, etc. I'm just not going to participate in the heated arguments anymore. That's what eventually leads to the hitting...when he sees that the yelling is making me want to end things entirely, he gets scared and says he has nothing else to lose and then he starts hitting me. He also does the same as you mentioned, telling me after the yelling that I deserve better, that it's killing him to see what he's done to me, etc. After the bad ones, too, he always moans about the aches and pains he has, which are actually from him hitting me....sore arms, bruised palms, sore throat/scratchy voice. But if I cringe when I move or if he touches me at a place that is still sore and I cringe, then I'm the bad person all over again for making him feel bad. I have a nasty bruise on  my knee, and when I got in my bed last night while on the phone with him and my knee hurt when I put pressure on it getting in bed, I had to lie to him about why I hurt. If I say what's really wrong, then it starts all over again, and even though I'm NOT doing it, he says I'm throwing the hitting in his face. I'm just so frustrated and I have GOT to get in to see my doctor. I was going to wait until the bruises are gone, but I decided not to wait. I'm going in exactly as I am, in whatever state the bruises are in, because I am not going to lie to her anyway. I'm going to tell her the complete truth so she can maybe give me something for the stress and maybe give me some advice to help me with communication skills that won't set him over the edge. One word is all it takes. One word that he turns completely around to be the exact opposite of what I was trying to say. I cannot tell you how so very frustrated and emotionally drained I am. But then I know you already know.

I feel really bad that I say mostly negative things here, though, when he is an amazing person when he's not mad. I am very much in love with him and not even a little close to walking away for good. But something has got to give for sure.

I swear you are living MY life! Nearly everything you say is what is going on here. Very soon after I sent the reply to you today I got a text message from him. It started out the same pitiful me text, saying that I don't know him, never knew him, and all he ever wanted was to love me and have his love returned. He said I say things to him that make him feel bad and that I assume things I shouldn't. I told him that maybe he's right and that I'll be more careful what I say, that I love him, too, etc....a very nice loving message. He didn't seem to see any of the loving part of my message. All he saw was "MAYBE" you're right and just went off on me that I can't just come out and admit I'm wrong. I can't even give him that. I sat for a few minutes to let my anger calm down a bit before I replied, and then I replied that he's right. I do get that way with him, and then the rest of the conversation was nice. He said he hadn't been to sleep at all and that he wanted to go lie down and sleep, so I haven't heard back from him. But the messages ended very loving. When he calls me after he wakes, I know he'll have that sad voice that he always has afterwards. I'll have to be careful about the tone of my voice, too, because if I sound too happy he will say that I'm not affected by the arguments. If I sound too sad he'll say that I'm making him feel guilty. I can't just be myself and sound like whatever my voice naturally sounds like. I have to think ahead about what to say and how to sound.

That is exactly like what he says to me about my family..."Your family/kids do nothing for you. All they do is use you and never do or say anything nice for you. I'm the one with you every day. I'm the one who loves you. They don't even act like they care..." It's crazy! I wasn't sure if this behavior was typical of somebody with bipolar or if it was typical behavior for somebody who is abusive. I know men (and woman) who are abusive to their partners tend to make sure they don't have much of a relationship with anybody but them. From what you just said, it looks like it's typical for both, so maybe I'm getting it with both barrels.

Last night when we were talking, one of the times he got mad at me was because he said I was raising my voice and getting defensive. But what I was doing was (UNintentionally) raising my voice when he raised his. When I told him that it's the same with smiling...you smile, people tend to smile back. You frown, people tend to back off. Same thing...you raise your voice; you get back a raised voiced reply. He insisted he wasn't yelling or raising his voice. I wonder if he really does believe he's talking to me in a normal tone.

I've said the same as you, that if you can control it around people, you can control around me. But there are sometimes he can't control. We went to a wedding a week or two ago and he went off on my in the parking lot, screaming at me in front of people. He thinks that if the windows are up that people can't hear. I told him that even if they can't hear, they can certainly see his face all distorted in rage and his mouth wide open when he's yelling. And of course peeling out when he left the parking lot was not discreet. I'm so surprised we haven't been pulled over the way he drives so recklessly when he's mad at me. I tell him that he may not care if he kills himself or me on the road, but there are a lot of innocent people out there, oblivious to our argument, and they do NOT deserve to be put in danger because he's having a tantrum. Many times he has immediately swerved over to the shoulder of the road and finished yelling at me or slapping me.

But like you said, he's the sunshine after the rain. When he's not mad at me, he's the most wonderful man in the world. I fell so deeply in love with him that I know I won't walk away from him as long as I know he's trying. But the hitting most definitely HAS to stop. The more I read, the more I understand, and I'm learning how to talk with him. Some things work and change his whole attitude. One day when he was especially mad over something that made no sense to be mad about, I reached my hand out and caressed the side of his head, and he immediately calmed down. Another time when he was especially mad I pulled him next to me, cradled his head in my arms, and he immediately calmed down. He was still mad at me, but the yelling stopped. He fell asleep in my arms, and when he woke up he said that was the most loved he ever felt in his entire life. I just need to be careful how I talk with him/to him and be more loving, I think. Not that I'm NOT loving to him. But when he's in a rage, I certainly don't feel all warm and fuzzy inside, ya know? I get defensive. I always seem to be in defense mode whether he's mad at me or not, and it's making me a nervous wreck. I have never had a nervous problem before, but I keep hives now. Another reason to make that appointment with my doctor. I think he might have broken my nose, and I would like for her to check that out, too.

As for how I'm doing today, I think I'm doing okay. I've been confused lately as to what to do...end the relationship completely or try to work it out. I've decided to try to work it out. It may be the wrong decision, but at least if it doesn't work I'll know I gave it my all. And I am willing to give my all because I love him that much. I know he can't control some of this. He has some life changing issues going on, too, that are stressors for him, plus yet another medicine change. So I'm going to hang in there and help him through this. I'm STILL not ready to let him come back, though. I just got a phone call from him, and he's in a good mood. Hopefully the mood will continue through the evening. If not, I'll just try to cope. He said he slept some but not much. Why do they want us to think they're not sleeping when they are? I do know there are times he can't sleep. But he wants me to think he's getting even less sleep than he really is. When he's with me he can sleep all through the night, and he has trouble sleeping when we're apart. I do, too, but I don't exaggerate the time I DO sleep. What's the point? It's like he wants me to always feel sorry for him. He wants me to always know that he has medical problems. If I mentioned my problems, he doesn't even respond to me. I don't think he would ever be able to deal with it if I had a bigger medical problem than he does. What sense does that make??

I will take your advice and write down dates AND times of things in my journal. Since it's an up and down thing throughout a single day, I need to write down times, too. The pot/lid incident you described is so familiar. Nothing is ever consistent. We get wrath over something one day so we expect the same reaction the next time. But we don't get it. It's so confusing, and it's really hard on ones nerves. And like you said, it's like they're looking for our own triggers...that which sets US over the edge. I've been giving it right back to him. When he throws my ex-husband/ex-boyfriends in my face, I do the same to him. When he brings up past mistakes, I do, too. It sounds very childish, but it's what I need to do to get through this. I keep thinking that if he sees/hears how absurd some of things he says are, then he'll try to stop that nonsense. But I really am anxious to talk with a counselor about it all so that I can get out my own frustrations since I have to hold so much inside now.

You're so right about them globbing onto our weaknesses. He certainly does that. As soon as I realize I'm wrong about something...maybe I'm the one who snaps at him first, or I say something I shouldn't say, I will immediately apologize. That's just how I am. I don't have a problem at all admitting when I'm wrong and apologizing. But I'm reluctant to even do that anymore because as soon as I apologize over something, it sends him into an even louder rage because I think he feels that he IS being wronged over something and he yells at me even harder. So why apologize if it's going to make it even worse?

I can't tell you how much it helps to be able to talk to you about this. I have nobody to talk to. I don't want my family and friends to dislike him, so I don't tell them things. Especially not the abuse. So I'm completely alone in this here. I hope you're having a good evening.

Hi there. Good evening. I've been doing okay. It's been a pretty good day for the most part, but last night was touchy, yet again.

I never looked at it like that...that we have more power over this situation. I have felt so powerless and so useless in all my life, but you do have a valid point. I'll try to keep this in mind when things are most rough. One thing I have noticed, now that you brought this up, is that when I'm at the point where I'm ready to give up, and I let him know that and then distance myself from him for a few hours, he will start calling and/or sending text messages. He says text messages are easier for him when he knows I've reached my limit with him, because he can't bear to hear the disappointment and anger in my voice or see it in my face. But the messages after my breaking point from him start off like a pity party, saying things like how lost he is without me, and he has nothing else to look forward to in life without me...stuff like that. Or sometimes he'll say sarcastic things, because he normally knows that will get a reaction from me. I wonder if I stay gone for a couple days after one of those awful moments if he'll appreciate me more and realize what he's about to lose. I don't want to do things like that since it seems like it's playing games, but isn't this whole thing we have to live through a game?...the eggshells, carefully choosing our words, tone of voice, timing of things, etc. If it happens again I might just pack my bags and take off for a few days and leave my cell phone at home. It's too hard to avoid him when he calls/sends texts, but I don't even know his phone number by heart so I couldn't call him unless I used my cell phone or redial on the home phone. As for how much we can put up with...I think I've just about reached the point where I'm one slap away from being gone forever.

You're right that this is a big world and they're not the only ones on earth that we can give our hearts to. I ended a good relationship for him. I loved the guy I was with, but it was a mediocre love, if that makes sense. It wasn't exciting, I could go a day without being with him and it didn't bother me. I met my guy and immediately we connected. We became very close friends for a few months before it took a romantic turn. Even as friends, though, I couldn't wait to see/talk with him each day. I woke up thinking about him, and we usually went to bed with the phone and talked for a couple of hours before we went to sleep. We have a very deep connection on many levels. You make a lot of sense when you said that they carefully chose us and would not be with a stronger person who was rougher around the edges. Although I'm outgoing if people approach me first, for the most part I'm a quieter person. I'm more of a quiet observer in a crowd of people. Not standoffish by any means, but more of a quiet person. That's one of the things he said that attracted me to him. That and that I am a caring and nurturing person and that I am kind and have a big heart. See how much that resembles what you said? You know exactly what you're talking about. A lot of people mistake kindness of weakness. He is very out of sorts lately since I've been standing my ground with him. I still always take him back, and I think he knows I always will. That puts me at a great disadvantage because I believe since he knows that side of me where he is concerned, then he can treat me however he wants to treat me and there will be no consequences. I am very close to proving him wrong, though. Very, very close. I have been and still very much am at the point where you said you were before when you were so afraid of your guy leaving. I'm still pretty much at that place...running around like a fool trying to please him...but as I said...I'm about one slap away from leaving for good. Once I reach that point of not caring...the indifference...there will be no turning back for me. He knows that, too. He knows, too, that one thing I will not tolerate is cheating. If he ever cheated on me I would have no problem at all to walk out of his life and never look back. I don't know why I can't be that way with the physical abuse, too, because I don't deserve that any more than I deserve cheating. I guess I just look at that as not related to the illness when the hitting might possibly be. Maybe? I don't even know.

Oh yes, I do see that their reactions change. A good example is when I mentioned to you that when I tell him I was wrong about something and apologize to him, he will immediately get this horrible anger in his eyes, even more so than he had to begin with, and it's like my apology gives him a legitimate reason to take the anger up a few notches. But last night when we talked, it was going fine at first, and then he said something to me and I reacted defensively. I can't honestly say if he raised his voice first or not. But he got very mad at me for raising my voice (can we say hypocritical reaction??) and went off on me. I have been so on edge with him lately that I just lost my control of my temper and yelled at him at the top of my lungs and then hung up on him after telling him to stay out of my life. I immediately felt bad, though, and I apologized on his voicemail and then sent a few text messages to apologize since he didn't answer his phone. I expected the typical reaction but instead I got a very loving response, telling me that he loves me and he understands my outburst. Today he isn't feeling well emotionally or physically, but he's been very nice to me. No anger towards me, no outbursts.

I hope my love for him doesn't turn to hate as you fear yours is doing, but I do see that it's quite possible. It's hard when they drive away everybody in your life and all you have is them, with their anger, bitterness, and woe-is-me attitude all the time. It's just so draining, isn't it? We all need to be loved in return. We all need our own times when we feel sorry for ourselves and we have that support and love from them, to give us those love pats, tell us everything is going to be okay, and take care of us for a change. We don't get that. We have to be the strong one even though we're not typically that strong to begin with. I could never cheat on him, but I will say that if somebody came along who showed me more loving understanding than what I'm getting, it would certainly make it easier for me to walk away from this relationship.

I have felt the same way you have and have even said that to me...that it makes me feel bad that I can't make him happy. He says he's happy with me, but he says I don't understand the disease, that it's not that he isn't happy with me. He insists he has never been in a more fulfilling relationship. It's hard for me to understand that, yes, especially when he's so mad at me so often. He says that most of the time he's not mad at me, just mad in general, but that I take it to heart like it's about me. It is hard on the ego, though, when you can't seem to make the man you're in love with happy. I don't know how old you are or how long you've been in your relationship with him, but trust me when I tell you that you don't want to spend too many years with somebody you don't love 100%. If you're losing the love, I hope you're able to get out as soon as you can. I lived in a loveless marriage for most of my life and if I could change all that, I would've gotten out as soon as I realized I was not in love with my husband. I know that sounds strange coming from me...the person who can't leave the man I'm with presently even though there is abuse, but I am very much in love for the first time in my life, and I'm having a hard time walking away from it. Once his medicine change is over with and his job stress is over, then I expect things to be calmer. If they're still not, I don't see any reason to continue to put myself through this for the rest of my life, and I won't.

Once I get to not caring anymore, as you mentioned, it will be very easy for me to walk away. You're right that love is blind. I'm still seeing the best part of him and clouding over the bad. Right now it seems the majority of it is bad, though, so I don't know how long the blindness will last. Keeping that journal is sure opening my eyes. Reading this site is sure opening my eyes, too. And reading your responses are REALLY opening my eyes. Have you been with him for four years, or has it just been dealing with this for four years?  Yes, I've been in that situation you described, being with somebody who didn't want to leave and just kept trying to please me to make things better. You're very right that we are that person. What an eye opener, huh!

On a positive note I was able to get an appointment with another doctor in my doctor's practice. So I'll get checked out, have him look at my nose and other bumps and bruises, tell him briefly what I'm going through, and see if he can give me something to help me cope with all this. Maybe if he gives me something, it'll help me to make more wise decisions in my life where he is concerned.

How are things at home with you? Are things at a calm point? Or are they as manic as mine?

Wow, your doing a super job with not seeing him.  He fears that the most because he knows seeing you face to face he can control the situation as by phone and text, he can't, you can just not answer or look at your phone and go about your business.  No, I have been with him 4 years but didn't really pick up on the problem until we were together for about amost 6 months....it got worse as time passed but I didn't see it yet.  I swear we are living each others lives....I too was married for 15 years and same exact thing as you, loved him he was a great guy good father but, I wasn't in love with him but I knew I was safe and that he wasn't a cheater and he was a home bodied guy with morals and a great family....I too was like that but I just really didn't love him the way I knew I should, I didn't think about him or really cared if we did things together or went out or really any thing....same exact way with my guy instant connection, loved him right away, thought about him morning, noon and night......sweet talker, once they realize they have you, it's over!!  He knew he had me.....and it was over...I feel foolish now when I think about how I acted to the point it angers me still because I am not that person and I let someone hurt me and make me feel bad about myself and that never happend to me either, so I was in new territory and I love a challenge, if I can better myself or the quality of life, I go for it.  I was an idiot and I have no problem admitting it....still love him to pieces but it's getting easier for me to deal with because the passion I once felt is fading and the man I see before me, for myself is not who I say any more when I was blind......it's getting better and yes, he's still having silly flip outs, as a matter of fact, he had one this morning.  When there is a simple soultion to a problem, he just can't say okay, lets do that, nope, he would rather rant and rave and go on about it for an hour so he can yell and be angry...it's so stupid but you can't tell him that either!!  I did tell him that this morning and he said FINE, lets just do it your way, I am not going to keep yelling about it....I looked right in his face, right in his eyes, smiled and said GREAT!!!  It's too nice of day.....I know that ticked him off right there.  He needs to vent and let it out even if he doesn't want to and he also needs a reason, that's my new name reason because I am the reason he does this and the reason he does that other than that, he would never have to yell and scream so he says.....I now laugh and make it a point to make him feel foolish as it works every time. My favorte thing he says to me is your making me feel bad you don't understand, hey maybe I don't but it's not my fault that I dont'.  See these are key words to him and fighting words to me because I will fight to try to figure it out and understand...now when he says it, I say nicely, your right and end it and he will continue on because he didn't get the reaction he was hoping for and will say, I am not blaming you and I only saying how could you possible understand, why are you getting mad, don't get mad....so I say to him, I am not mad, I do not understand which part didn't you get?  Do not prejudge me on anything because you do not like it when it's done to you so don't do it or I will start doing it to you...see your mad and I said if you keep saying that, that will make me mad so stop....I am admitting I don't understand, does that make you mad?  He then says, there is not sense in talking to you why does every conversation we have turn into a battle.  See, I know that once he has no effect on me because he needs those reactions, he feeds off them, he will end up finding someone else to talk to and it won't be another guy....he will use the same exact tatics on that person which is the pity tatic, then he will shower that person with love and affection, make sure that are the type he needs then, finally come of of his hidous shell and depending on how low that person feels about themselves, he could have a pretty good set up......That's how you know it's more, they do not change their way of thinking or meeting people or being in relationships...if it's not you, it will be someone else....they lose a certain amount of andomorphin in their brains, and when it gets very low and they need to feed it and that's how they feed it, once the levels rise then they start to come back to earth....see now?  You'll catch it....

Peace,

Princeton~

Where is he when he leaves, does he have his own place?  If he does, that's great and good for you!  I have spoken to my guy about this many times and he will not go see a doctor and finally after three years of trying to tell him I think some thing is wrong he said to me maybe you have bipolar!  I was like, I am not trying to hurt you but some thing isn't right.  He used to tell me all the time that he always felt different from every one else and even when he was married he felt he never belonged.  When he divorced his wife after 18 years she ended up having a nervous break down in the end. She and I believe or not are friends and she told me at first she was devastated but she's very happy now as she would have never been able to leave if he didn't leave her first.  He acted the same exact way with me that he did her.  I ask her if she ever felt that some was wrong and she said he put me down so much I really thought it was me after a while and she said she would have a least a month out burst where she would just lose if from holding every thing and told me that she couldn't talk to him that it just wasn't worth it because he would turn everything around on her and she would get so confused that she just couldn't think.  Same exact thing.   She told me she dedicated her life to him and she was afraid to really do things on her own or with out him because she knew if she didn't she would hear it later or regard as he would find a way to make her feel very bad about things or get back at her in some way with out making it look like thats' what he was doing......He blamed her a lot for how their kids turned out and that she never really cared and that he just did every thing and he said he always felt like the maid, the bank and that he did everything from the cooking, the yard work and the cleaning....I was thinking to myself, wow, this guy is deranged and what he's saying about his wife he will say about anyone with regard to ending a relationship.   So many times I wanted to say things to him when he would put her down as in the beginning I would say stuff trying to get him to see that it just wasn't her and he would get so ticked, why are you sticking up for her, she has a certain way of lying and making me look bad, good if your not going to believe me then why don't you just go live with my ex wife!!  I said to him you know what, it takes two, why are you blaming her for everything, you said it yourself that all you did was work your entire life, so where were you when the kids needed to be raised!!  Oh yeah, we got into some serious battles over stupid things, no one wants to hear the truth especially when it's not really nice.  He would say why are you trying to make me feel bad and I would just say back, why the truth hurt!  Like yourself yes, he got that same exact side as your guy but it just doesn't last as long as the nasty side does. This morning when he woke up, he was in a good mood as he and his older son had decided to make a day and go to the beach.  All the way whiling driving me in he was really pushing it wow, I can't wait to hit beach it's going to be great...WOW, it's so hot out I can't wait, like he was trying to zing me, you know.  So I said in a nice tone just be careful coming back because it's the long weekend that beach is most likely going to be Jammed!!  That was a mistake and he said why are you trying to ruin it for me, I am still going to go no matter what, so I said I would hope you are and he continued on and said your not going to not get me to go and I said you know what that's you doing that to yourself, I am HAPPY that your going, then he says why are you making it such a big deal then, it's only the beach and I said well you don't get to see him as much as you would like to so it's great that your going to be spending the day with each other I know how much you love that....You know he said, I don't  know what it is your trying to do and I think your jealous that you can't come but I am going....I was like, you know what get over yourself really!!!  I don't care, I will have plenty of time to do things.  He went on and on and on.....I had to listen to him all the way to work...so now I am just about at my office and he says, wow look that elder couple, up and out early on a beautiful day you can tell their tourist and I said, oh yeah look at the bag he's carrying and then I said I wonder if there going over to catch one of crusies and he looked at me said you know after all this time you think you would finally realize it or be thoughtful enough but you still do it and I said what did I do and he said I wasn't finished talking and you totally made me forget what I wanted to say, you just cut me right off just forget it now...and then he says, boy you really don't give a shit do you!!!  At this point I said, have a nice day.....and I slammed the car door and just came up to my office.  He has not called and I will not hear from him for the entire day...GOOD. Peace and quiet...I am sure when he does come back he will rant and rave how awesome it was and too bad that I had to work....I am expecting that to happen and I know he'll do that just to see if he can tick me off or get back at me because he actually believes that I was trying to ruin his day!!!  Unreal!! 

Hi everyone,  I haven't checked in for a long time.  I thought I had finally found a cure but was wrong.  I'm glad to see how much stronger you have become Princeton!  I have a couple of points to underscore.  Insomnia will often occur at the same time as the craziness.  I def. noticed this with my husband.  Make sure they get sleep!  I am also very angry now.  I no longer try to do absolutely everything to make him happy...instead, I see my error in trying to do so in the past.  I bought a sail boat last year thinking it would make him happy, but it has become a nightmare for me.  After him being so much better on his meds, he started to slowly unravel over the past couple of weeks.  He brought some friends out sailing and thoroughly scared them to death.  He became so agressive that I finally had to take control of the situation and role the sails up myself because everyone was in fear of their lives!  They saw a side of him they never had seen.  I was mortified!  Now I'm just angry.  We didn't speak for almost a week.  He, of course, blames me.  He kept saying that we should just sell the boat and why did I bother buying it if I was afraid of sailing?  So I said, It's in your name...sell it..do whatever the hell you want with it!  He replied, "why are you being such a b**ch?"

So, he scared them on purpose or didnt' realize he was actually doing it.  Did anyone else say anything to him.  It could be the meds.  As they don't always work at first and some times they need re-ajustments. He doesn't realize how much he really scared everyone because he himself was not scared so he figures why was anyone else.  I know what your saying, you know if you bring it up he's gonna get mad and think that your the problem and to just leave it alone but you want him to apologozie to everyone but he feels he doesn't have to because he really feels it's you making the big deal out of it and no one else.  It will cause a fight but, I would try one more time to get him to say he's sorry and that he's acting like a baby and you selling the boat isn't going to solve anything but he truly put people endanger including himself!  No, he needs to know that. 

Princeton~

So, he scared them on purpose or didnt' realize he was actually doing it.  Did anyone else say anything to him.  It could be the meds.  As they don't always work at first and some times they need re-ajustments. He doesn't realize how much he really scared everyone because he himself was not scared so he figures why was anyone else.  I know what your saying, you know if you bring it up he's gonna get mad and think that your the problem and to just leave it alone but you want him to apologozie to everyone but he feels he doesn't have to because he really feels it's you making the big deal out of it and no one else.  It will cause a fight but, I would try one more time to get him to say he's sorry and that he's acting like a baby and you selling the boat isn't going to solve anything but he truly put people endanger including himself!  No, he needs to know that. 

Princeton~

Yes, so by you saying something to him where he really believes he wasnt' doing anything wrong, he's not going to apologize and to him your making him feel bad about some thing he really doesn't feel he did..that's where the arguement comes in.  Us making them feel bad about themselves like what they do isn't normal because we don't fully understand how they think and they appear to be normal that's where the madness comes in for us because we do see them balanced at times and we forget and just act like ourselves and then boom, just like that they quickly remind us, oh yeah, your back....so we have to adjust our emotions, they don't adjust theirs, it's just how they are we can either accept or not.  It's not easy that's for sure.  I have tried to open my mind to something I do not understand, gives me a headache some time as he seems to really understand me mostly but just when I think I do, I don't.  I have stopped trying and will not adjust to his mood swings any more, I told him if your going into a phase okay I know you have to and you can't help it but if you even feel slightly off, please try to warn me if you can because I am outta here I will leave for a little while and I think you should go for walk and forget everything and enjoy some of mother nature....We did it a couple of times and it wasn't too bad.  We actally went for walks together......Still the same exact situation and nothing has changed but I did say one thing to him, I said if you put more effort into being nice and just enjoying as much as you do being miserable and angry you would be one happy person....Too bad you just can't redirect your energy in another way, what a shame.  Surprisingly he doesn't say anything back and just stares at me.....Good...  :)

Hope this helped a little.

Princeton~

That's great but, please do not be fooled.  I know one minute there up and the next their down. This is the part I say that I love about my guy and if he be balanced this is what it would feel like but it just doesn't stay that way for very long. Yes, enjoy that time but do not let your guard down, you can't with these guys.  I am so glad you had a great time but I think he may be thinking more on the lines of if he show you, you will come. I don't really think it has anything to do with what he did on the last trip.  He's more geared towards you than anything else and if he starts getting to nice or too close where you think he 's going to be alright...nope, that's when he will go back again.  There's just no telling, it is what it is, that's why they drive you crazy and we stay it's moments like that, that keep you but they are so far and few between but the good moments are so good they stay with you through the bad ones because that's all your thinking about another good moment.  He's probably just balanced right now but it's not going to last wish it would though. Good, now you can take over the boat if he ever gets the way he did before but just be careful.  :)  I worry about you my friend!!

God Bless

Princeton~

You're absolutle right princeton, thats how things escalated with my ex wife, until finally she started cheating as well.  Anonymous is right too, you deserve a lot better than to have to be with someone like that, princeton. 

One more thing before I go....I just thought of it.  Look at it this way, it's like being robbed, your things that you dearly loved are gone and you will never get them back, that's the feeling your left with most of the time after being in a relationship with someone who has bipolar. Usually, you can move on from that, sure your upset and hurt that these things were taken from you by a complete stranger but what do you do from there, you actually get stronger, you don't ever really forget but you do take precautions so it doesn't happen again, see what I am getting at?  As you heal from being robbed you at some point in your life get things back, little by little as you move forward, you will get things back but you need to move forward to do it. 

Princeton