I love my husband, but my marriage and everything is stressing me out to the point where I really want to die. The medications I am currently taking are not working. I am still having these manic episodes that just won't go away while I am having my cycle. I am attempting to get rid of my husband due to the fact that he has called me lazy. I even cried this morning feeling dejected, resentful, and angry at him and myself. Didn't Jesus say in Proverbs that it's better to live alone by oneself than to live with a contemptuous woman?!
I was supposed to have a happy 34 beginning year without anymore manic depression or episode or even laziness or denial. Maybe I am denying that I am lazy due to the fact that I sometimes do not help my husband clean up the house because I stay busy doing other things. I hate substitute teaching because I can't get a permanent job due to the fact that no matter how hard I try because of my past job history, nobody wants to hire me. It's probably because of my bipolar and that I had missed a lot of days because of the bipolar. I admit that I allowed all this to happen, and I admit also that I am without excuse. But I deserve another chance just like everybody else. I tried proving everybody wrong that I have changed my attitude by coming to work on a regular basis, but nothing's changed. I feel like I have a criminal record and that I can't get another teaching job because of the past job history.
I asked God to give me a better job and a better future. 11K a year just won't cut it. I had to borrow 2 more student loans just to pay off credit card debt and educational expenses. Well, I planned to pay everything off after I graduate of course. My manic episode include spending money on the Internet and I can't stop and staying on the computer avoiding piano practicing. As much as I love playing the piano, I can't play it anymore because I lost interest. I just don't have the confidence. I can't stop spending money. I get irritable and angry like a child when I can't have my way and I can't take no for an answer when I am rejected. Please help me. More details later. I really want to get away from everybody for a while.
Paula
