Copyrighted Material by author Selina Irene Glater

White light was above me, below me and completely surrounding me. I awoke starring at the ceiling of a completely florenscent light filled room. My wrists and ankles were held down by thick leather restraints. These restraints followed me with pricks of pain, as I tried to move against them. I could feel the leather, ever so slightly, cutting into my now pale skin.  Stark white sheets, crisp with a hint of persperation, surrounded me. They were twisted around my body as though they were material used to build a cucoon. Thoughts of being a butterfly in its cucoon came to mind. But, I was no butterfly and this cucoon was anything but comfortable. The stiff table beneath me was a gurney covered with those crisp white sheets. Above me, on my left side, was a bag of fluids that had been pumping into my hungry and waiting vein. The IV was still embedded in my arm. It stayed in place as a painful reminder of the horror that had just taken place. My mind went blank and for a few moments - I was sure that I had entered a type of pergatory and a land of hellishness. In fact, in many ways I had.

I was 42 years old when these sheets surrounded me. My life had previously been filled with many accomplishments, as well as many sorrows. This day, my brain had received any number of volts of electricity passing through it. Both sides of my brain were “shocked.” This was known as electroconvulsive shock therapy. It was in fact “shocking,” but I could hardly call it therapy. My only crime was that I was seriously depressed and had been so since I was a teenager.

Deep within my memory banks were the undenyable facts. I had been a psychiatric patient my whole life. I’d never asked for this role and I didn’t much like being part of this script. My thoughts drifted back to my teenage years as I went back to sleep with that damned plastic IV line still lodged firmly in my vein…..

The wire mesh window screen was thick and kept the bright sunlight from entering my room. My mind was filled with a blackness of thought, just like the window screen, and I felt weighted down and heavy, as if in a fog. It was here, at this psychiatric facility for children and adolescents that I learned about my mood swings the early indications of bipolar dis-ease. This wire mesh also represented being cut off from the world in this place I now called "home."

Age 14 brought depression and suicidal despair.

I had seen blackness of the spirit, of the soul, and I sought relief in music. As a violinist I was able to transcend the dysfunctional home environment and my own despondency and I was lifted to the stars. Sometimes the notes would dance off the page becoming faster and faster and more effervescent. This was a danger sign, but short lived, and again I would be hurtled down into the abyss, feeling like I must end this life as I had come to know it.

I could feel my brain chemistry change. Freedom from the depression was, and still is, like a light switch being turned on in my head. My brain "clicks" into gear and the world becomes more crisp and clear. From here the swing can move beyond comfortable to outright mania and a feeling of being totally out of control, out of touch with and apart from the rest of the world. Feelings of self confidence, power, and euphoria pervade.