In February I lost my fiance due to being an undiagnosed bipolar.  We had been together off and on for over 2 and 1/2 years.  I say off and on because we started seeing each other in August of 2004, dated until September 2005, broke up because of my being hard to get along with, got back together in February of 2006 and then made it another year.

Now I know that some might say "it couldn't all have been your fault."  That may be correct, but if you look at all of the relationship failures that I have had in my 43 years on this earth, there is a pretty good chance that our break-up was primarily my fault. Even though I have had several relationships, she is the one that I would have done absolutely anything to keep.  By anything, I mean anything as far as trying to find the answer to "what is wrong with me and how can I fix it?"  I did try!  I tried so hard! 

After we broke up in September of 2005, I tried my best to find the answer to "what is wrong with me?"  I went to a psychologist who diagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder.  I was prescribed Strattera.  Of course, I was so relieved.  I let my baby know that I had found the source of my problems and that I would be much better.  After we got back together, it took about 8 months for me and I'm sure her to realize that I hadn't changed much at all. 

I tried as hard as I could to try to be the man felt I should be.  As bad as I wanted to, I just could not.  I have been told recently, not to say I am sorry for the things that I did when I was undiagnosed.  How do you not?  

I am trying my best to get better, learn new skills, take one day at a time, see my therapist, listen to and do what I am told by my psychistrist, and realize that there was so much of what I did and said that I just could not control.  It still does not take away the fact that I have lost the love of my life, the woman that I have loved more than any other, because of being bipolar and not knowing it. 

I of course have told her, about a week ago, that I have been diagnosed as bipolar.  I feel some what like the boy who cried wolf, and she more or less told me that she, as much as she knows better, looks at me in pretty much the same way.  She put all of her faith, hopes and dreams, and trust in me and I failed her.  Yes, I could not help it, but I did fail her. 

She has other reasons for not giving "us" another chance, valid reasons that to someone who is not bipolar may seem somewhat unrelated to the problems that result from being bipolar.  How do you convince someone that being bipolar not only affected your behavior but your ability to consider making changes in your life to include things like moving, taking on the raising of other's children and differences in religious beliefs?