I was fighting for my own balance with 2 unpredictable people who suffer from bi-polar.  One was undiagnosed and the other was inconsistent with his meds. 

At this point I have asked her “If you had amnesia and met me today would you fall in love with me?”  She has said she would, but she has also said terrible things in writing and to my face.  She loves a good text war, and has spent hours sending me messages every 5 minutes that are designed to invoke an anger response and to hurt deeply.

If I met her today I wouldn’t look twice at such an angry, hateful woman.  She was the love of my life.  I adored her and have worked my whole life to please her and provide for her.  I tried to love her enough for the both of us.  Nothing I ever did was good enough.  She has moved out and destroyed our family emotionally and financially.  She continues to blame me for everything wrong in her life.  She said it was the only way she could get better.

When she was in the hospital she wanted me to visit everyday.  When she got out she couldn’t bother to call me. 

Her parents have come here to help her move and attend the graduation.  They tell her to not speak to me.  They are at my house right now while I am at work looking to make sure she gets her property and going thru my home.  I have given her everything she wants and then some, moved some of it for her.  I put all of the things she asked for in the garage so the movers can pick it up tomorrow.  Boxed and wrapped the china carefully.    I have been there for her.  I have said over and over again that I would not choose anger – even as my heart was breaking.   I realize now that what I meant was that I would not be mean and it is ok to be angry.

I entered therapy after my arrest.  It was her request that I focus on anger management as a condition of our possible reconciliation.  I am on antidepressants myself and I have anxiety medication.  My life can literally change in an instant and turn on a dime.  The sound of a text message arriving used to cause severe anxiety spikes.   I have taken my younger son to three different therapists.  He will go 2 or 3 times then quit.  I know he needs help.  At this point I just want her to sign a separation agreement.  She doesn’t want to stay and she doesn’t want to let me go.  I cannot live in limbo like this as I slowly sink toward foreclosure.  I went back to work several months ago, but we were always a two income family and her’s is gone.   No child support, no acknowledgement of debts she created in the marriage, no responsibilities in the life she walked away from.  She didn’t even take her dog.  Now she is miserable and alone and it is still my fault. 

I want to find peace and happiness with whatever time I have left.  I want her to find the same.  We won’t find it together and are part of the 90% who divorce.  I thought I was going to married to her for my whole life – change of plans because my life turns on a dime.  But not much longer