I am 21, and this past year I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. ( I am also clinically diagnosed with ADD and anxiety disorders). Since then, I have been taking 10 mg of the med Abilify. It has definitely helped control the number of "out bursts" I have, but I dont think it has deterred the feelings that I have as a result of bipolar. All it does is help me bottle them up inside. Is that what the medication is supposed to do? I dont feel any better. I just have become more successful at hiding it. As a result, I have become extremely depressed (though I hide that, too), and sleep all the time. I dont feel like myself. I dont feel its safe to be myself. I rarely get any feelings of mania anymore, and to be honest I almost miss them. Theyve got to feel better than this. On the outside, I'm doing great. I've stopped seeing a counselor, I'm getting all A's in classes, and am likely to transfer to MSU in the fall. But things are not okay. Recently I even started cutting myself again, for the first time in two years. I dont plan on doing it again, but there are times when I completely lose myself and its almost like I cant control my actions. I dont plan on telling anyone about this either. The last time I did, no one knew what to say to me.
The fact that I still feel this way when taking medication doesnt seem right to me. Is this all the help I get? I would really like to look into changing meds, but I'm afraid of how much each one will change me. If I go on something stronger, will it just make me more subdued? Will I ever feel a high again? I want something that helps me push through the hard times, but also lets me remain my own person, and not feel depressed like this. Please help, I am very unfamiliar with bipolar and the medication that is available. Is my medication working? Am I perhaps just a difficult case that there is little help for?
(This is a response to the above question and any like it. Sorry for the length...)
Being Bipolar is a difficult thing. When we are first diagnosed, and after major episodes, taking a certain type (or level) of medication that "dampens" our emotions can be a good thing. HOWEVER, feeling like a zombie all the time is NOT sustainable. Also, be sure to talk to your doctor about other possible medication (including combinations) if you feel that you are constantly disconnected (emotionally) from the world. I was diagnosed when I was 21 as well... now I am 29. Only recently have I worked with (two) new psychiatrists who have helped me come off a fairly high dose of the anti-psychotic Quetiapine-Fumarate (aka Seroquel). My lithium levels are good, and I am doing quite well now, considering all those years ago that one doctor over-medicated me, turning me into somewhat of a zombie over the past number of years. That brings me to this other advice- when it comes to your meds (which you may be on for life) get advice from multiple doctors (two or even more). If you are not being a productive human being (at least feeling good about yourself most of the time) your medication balance should be re-examined. If I was giving my "PAST SELF" advice, I'd say "If you do not know the true meaning of PATIENCE, you must learn it. This will not fix itself, and medication will not fix it alone. This will take years, and even after that YOU WILL STILL BE BIPOLAR." Personally, I can't say whether or not I will ever be free from depression (I doubt it) but I have fought to embrace a new paradigm (in the way I relate to the world) that helps me deal with it. I try my best to gain a certain degree of objectivity when I "see myself" behaving certain ways psychologically. When I'm feeling hateful/dark thoughts/feelings towards myself or the world around me, sometimes stepping back and observing my own thoughts helps. Instead of "BEING the gears in my head" I step back and watch them turn. I know this sounds strange, but it can even make the experience somewhat interesting (I am, personally, an observer by nature... I understand that many people might not understand this... if you don't, skip it...) That last thing demonstrates a coping mechanism I found for myself (objectivity). Your doctor can certainly help you, but we must all find our own ways of coping (nobody knows you better that you... that is of course, when your mind is clear). I also want to say, and this is "somewhat" controversial, that the Bipolar condition is not entirely an illness. Many parts of myself that awakened during the onset of this "illness" are also among my greatest strengths. Yes, I am constantly fighting depression (the world I observe is so far from perfect sometimes), but as a survival tool I have strived to create something that at least equals that darkness, but in LIGHT, and I am succeeding, one day at a time. Personally, my episodes were spiritual in essence, and while I do not believe in god, I have formulated my own brand of faith and it helps me immensely. It just so happens that many bipolar people are also smart enough to come to their own conclusions about the world they live in, and while they may not always be right, if they are open to learning (and accepting being wrong sometimes) they can become truly amazing people. This takes time, and it can seem impossible to imagine a positive outcome sometimes. In the past I often wished I was like other people ("normal"). It seems some doctors even have it in mind that we should be "normal". As bipolar people, we need to be whatever comes naturally to us (that's normal, isn't it?). In essence, if we are not allowed to shine in one way or another (find your passion- ie art, work etc.) then we are constantly battling ourselves and the world around us. Be passionate about something, and that passion can become a support for you. Sometimes, it may even understand you in ways other people can't. Cats and dogs also make great counsellors sometimes! (as long as they're not actually speaking to you!). Sorry for the ramble. I understand you're new to this and this is probably overkill. Anyway, FIND YOUR OWN FAITH (if you want to), EXERCISE PATIENCE, AND GO EASY ON YOURSELF. Things do not always go the way we hoped, but that's the same for everyone. Discover your gifts, find a few things you love in this life, find the right medication balance for yourself, and be patient with the people in your life (they will probably need to return the favor- a lot).
Julian
29, Male
Bipolar 1
1500mg Lithium (tried, tested, and true)
60mg Temazepam (sketchy drug, replacing Quet., temporaryish use) (for insomnia)
25mg Quetiapine (gradually down from 350+mg) (for insomnia)
Synthroid