work place/social anxiety

By jessi9 Saturday, January 02, 2010

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One of my greatest difficulties with bipolar is an intense feeling of social insecurity. More often than not, I feel like I am wearing a great flashing sign above my head that reads "abnormal" or "messed up" or something like that. I feel absolutely transparent. I am certain everyone knows that I dont have all my ducks in a row, that there is something just not right about me. And I'm afraid they talk about it. Sometimes I feel that my whole history of mistakes is written all over my face, that everyone can see that relationship I messed up or that opportunity I lost.

My coping mechanism has been to just stay reserved, to draw little attention to myself, and hope no one finds any qualms with me. I play the "I'm shy" game. Though in all honesty, I think that if I really had the choice, I wouldnt be shy. I so desperately want to be outgoing and to speak freely. I want to be able to laugh without worrying that everyone else is laughing with me.

Is my anxiety "normal"? Do other people with bipolar experience this? How do you cope with it? I take welbutrin for anxiety already, is my med just not working? I feel like I have to hide so much in order to stay safe.

terrified

Comments (4) | Add comment

chris

1/ 2/10 7:24am

hi , jessi. i could have written the EXACT same thing you just did. i feel totally uncomforfable in those situations 95% of the time, rarely at ease, apart FROM the group, as opposed to apart of the group. there have been numerous GOOD jobs, i JUST LEFT, didnt come back from break, quit, or missed so much from not even being able to go in, i got fired. about wearing the sign above your head, mine read, look at me , im totally insecure, unattractive, weird, im a loser, im depressed, theres something wrong with me, so, DO NOT APPROACH!!!, and ive heard about 10 million times, "you ok", or "whats the matter", because i was probably staring off somewhere wandering, WTF is wrong with me. so, i hide ALOT. im not right, obviousely, rather than deal with people either totally ignoring, avoiding, or asking, "whats the matter", im by myself alot, its embarassing, i dont know what to say to these people. your not alone, its a very, very difficult struggle. i dont have any advice how to deal with it, because, i dont know. take care.

tabby

1/ 2/10 4:28pm

one of fears since wee dom is that someone will find out or see the "real me" and when they do... they'll be angry, hit me, yell at me, and not want me any longer

I say this and that it has been since wee dom because I'm 43 and I've had this fear since I was like 7.

If they just really knew who I was, that I'm really not capable of doing whatever, that I'm really and truly a failure at everything... if they ever find out... I'm a goner.

If I show any signs or symptoms of Bipolar or GAD or even my PTSD... I'm petrified.

So, I do my upmost best to keep it tightly down under...

and if someone looks at me and asks "are you okay, you don't look like you are ok?"... I just mumble "I'm fine." and quickly turn away.

Many have commented that I'm standoffish and snobbish... when in fact, I'm petrifed, terrifed, and horrified.

If they find out, if they know, if I slip up and it slips out... I'm a goner for sure.

Must not let them find out, must not let anyone know, must watch all my steps so everyone will like me and no one get angry. So, I keep to myself, say only little, and disappear into the background.

chris

1/ 3/10 12:24am

i feel what you just expressed, alot in common, im sorry you feel that way too, chris.

Anonymous

3/31/10 1:00am

You may also have Social Anxiety, (some people with bipolar also have social anxiety disorder).

I've had social anxiety issues for years and I know what you mean, it's a tough thing to deal with.

**I've got some good news though, I am doing a lot better (did a lot of self-help work-- social anxiety is more of a self-help issue). Here is a fantastic resource on that which has helped me a lot-- (Free ebook full of great tips for dealing with / getting over social anxiety).

work place/social anxiety

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