Let's see... I started taking risperdal on feb.26th.  That's ....well, if today is the 10th, then (oddly enough) it's been twelve days now.  I haven't been online forever.  I can't remember when... it's been maybe a week since?

But I've been soooo busy lately.  I've cleaned out my closet, threw half the things away, re-filed the paperwork piled up on my desk, rearranged my pantry, getting ready to throw out all my spices and mixes because ... well, I ought to do it, shopped for shelving and things to fix up the house, didn't take a nap (that was important), and vacuumed the walls.  And cried.  I've felt so good, and so productive and I laugh and I communicate again and suddenly it all comes falling down and I sob.  I've asked permission to spend an allotted amount, didn't go over the limit, got a ton of housework done, and with no one interested in pitching in, I still have a lot left to do.  Just when I think things are looking good, pat myself on the back, I fall down and cry.  The other night, I saw the hand lotion and went into the uncluttered closet and wailed.  For lotion.  Why?

I haven't slept good in the last five days.  I postponed my meds last night and the night before so I could get more work done before the sleepy and the pain hit me.  In the last twenty-four hours I have been achy in my neck, my shoulders, my chest and upper back and my calves... ugh, I could hardly walk across the parking lot today.  I had to stop twice to let myself catch up.  And I've been eating non stop for the last week.  I'm sure the weight is dragging me down.  I won't know how much I've collected durning my Risperdal trial until I visit the Doc next week.  Do I really want to know?  If hand lotion set me off, what will 25 pounds to do me?  Send me over the edge?

I don't want to say this is a high cycle.  If I say that, then my Doc diagnosed me correctly and Doc wins this one.  I WANT to be happy and optimistic and get things done.  Life was put on hold during Seroquel.  Now I have some catching up to do.  I don't want to be sad anymore.  But I don't want to break down over hand lotion or run the stop sign (oops) or break things (another oops) or have to leave the store because I have started crying again (and I can't even remember what it was about... a meal in a box, I think).  But I feel that my Angry has come down drastically from whenever.  Yes, I still snap to it, but not as hard.  The drawback is I've stayed mad for hours.  The other day I was so mad at the dog that I refused to acknowledge him.  My husband, somewhat annoyed but otherwise a bit amused at the situation, took care of the mongerol.  Me and the kids had a standoff or two lately as well; I chalk that up to teenage hormones and me.  Hmm.

What if Doc was right?  Am I upset and unstable?  If this is Risperdal in action, do I need more to keep focused?  (Yeah, I've been easily distracted while driving- a sure sign of a High Kick.)  If I take more, will it hurt more or hurt for longer?  Can't I just finish my To-Do List and take an extra something whenever the sad slams me against the emotional wall?  I have felt so different, so mobile, since Seroquel.  But I can't control myself.  And I didn't wreck the car because I didn't overcorrect.  I was very calm and gradual during the whole thing.  I didn't even tell my family... especially because it was someone else's car I was using.  That's something to be proud of, isn't it?  If I could just get some sleep, if I could just work through the aches and the mild vertigo, if I could just get some work done without everyone else complaining about it, if I could stop crying at stupid things; I just want to get things done!