Yesterday had no sadness or anger or frustration at all! Do you know how good that feels? Stupid Risperdal... that was my only drawback, but we all needed the rest, I guess.
My 'nervous energy' reached its point yesterday. I gave up on cleaning the house; until the rain makes up its mind, I'm stuck with continually vacuuming the mud drying on my carpet. But I was so bored and driving my spouse crazy, so he made a playdate for us. Lots of playing. Lots and Lots, and I was so happy and relieved! I thought I'd lost my knack for playing. During the sedated state of seroquel , I wasn't in the mood for intimacy... actually, I think I was too stoned to realize I missed it. I woke up to reality with risperdal and went on a cleaning rampage, but sex didn't cross my mind until I ran out of things to do. (Reading that now, it sounds pretty bad.) But, boy, I more than made up for it! It was either food or fun. I'm tired of food. And by the time the kids got home, the man was pleading for me to find dinner. Hah! He even offered to make dinner if I left him alone for awhile. All in fun, mind you. But, wow! I felt sooo goooood... and it has been so long since I felt like this.
But I was sore and stiff by medication time. I didn't want to take the risperdal. I knew if I did, I'd feel worse shortly afterwards, and that meant no nighttime playing. But he kissed me on the forehead, gave me a bottle of water and my pills, and told me he understood my hesitation but he'd be next to me in the morning and I wasn't exactly in shape to do anything at that point anyway. The risperdal is uncomfortable during the day, gets a bit worse around meds time, and is a fight to the finish after taking the stupid stuff at night. I suppose, in this instance, risperdal was a reprieve.
My morning has just started, and already I am full of 'nervous energy'. I would like to think today will be just as exciting as yesterday. However, I have to go with my mom to a doctor appointment. And no offense to the woman, I'm just not that into her. >wink< Finally, a good day for a manic cycle.
Lucky you!!!
It must be what's in the air or something...
I hit mania over the weekend.
I had my mid month crash and burn on Sunday/Monday...hormones shifting and the mood swinging and the discussion again with my dearest about meeting my needs. And how frustrating it is to have fun but not to have fun because the process is fun but the end result has been NADA for so long. Tears, snot, poor me, life just sucks, I'm never gonna get better, and you don't love me...for 36 hours. Stayed in bed sulking and crying in between discussions. We didn't see it coming at all. sheesh...
We decided that I needed to add back in the 3rd dose of Tegretol back up to 600 mg...I'd tried to go off because a couple weeks ago because after all it's spring and the sun is shining and the flowers are blooming and the birds are singing and I want to feel good during the day. The combination of the hormones shifting and the hypomania creeping back in set the "new normal" boat rocking to the point of near capsizing. A good friend that's also bipolar encouraged me to take dose 3 at night along with the other two...well duh...
then I don't have the sleepiness all day long. So now I will wake up for a few days feeling drugged but it leaves fairly rapidly. Lesson learned...Don't screw around with meds...ugh.
I don't see the pdoc (for the very first time) until the end of April. My family doc in consultation with my therapist prescribed the tegretol way back end of October. They decided I needed to see a psychiatrist mid February. Can't get until April...so backed up and I'm not in 'crisis'. I take handsful of supplements to deal with the anxiety/depression issues. Doing some consultation with a nutritionist to see what my brain really needs. I was so hopeful that the 'new' stuff (therapies etc) was the ticket...then BAM...
Got the reality check once again that I AM BIPOLAR...I WILL BE BIPOLAR...
The things that I do help me keep the symptoms in check but I will not ever be completely free because it's part of me. And you know what? It's ok. It's a gift. I am a gift.
The one thing that I do struggle with is what I alluded to above...lack of sexual response...can't get over the hump. I will talk it over with the therapist and pdoc. I know it's the last thing that comes back when I've gone thru a deep dark depression. Been there before albeit without any medical intervention. I can count on one hand the times it's been a complete experience since I started the downward trek into depression back in September. I cry every time I get the release. I know it's mind over matter and I'm probably trying too hard...
What has been anyone else's experience with Tegretol???
another piece to find out in the puzzle of me.