I'm briefly throwing a few words out here while the dog goes to the bathroom, so bear with me please.

It was kinda sweet, actually.

Yesterday, I picked up my lithium prescription and brought it home to show the folks.  My family (the one I grew up with and the one I made for myself) got together and everyone discussed my lithium dilemma.  Online research, medical inserts, whatever the pharmacy printed out; all of this was looked over, questioned, opinionated upon, and debated.  Then they took a vote.

Lithium, it was decided, was not a good idea.  Not just because I was scared to try it; they had legitimate reasons.  My parents both have physical problems such as diabetes (I've been borderline, but not enough to care), hyperthyroidism, high blood pressure (as overweight as I am, it could happen), gluacoma, ademia, skin problems (I have psoriasis, but they don't), and some other stuff that I'm too tired to recall.  I have to say I was relieved.... as if I was getting permission to avoid doing a chore.  I know it wasn't fair not to try it, but... well, I have no other excuse on my end.

Except one; I was afraid of losing my happy and my energy and my sex.  I have repeatedly told Doc "just treat the sadness and let's not worry about the happy."  But Doc insists on wrangling my high.  No, I just want the sad to stop... and maybe curb some of tha angry part away.  Doc hasn't even examined the sad. 

Behind closed doors, my husband and I discussed the matter further.  He drew me a chart; this is what you were with no meds, here is your normal meds, each of these is one of the medicines you tried lately.  Wow- I didn't know how problematic I was until I saw it for my own eyes.  Wow.  It's amazing how your point of view can contradict someone else's so entirely.  When I thought I was ok, I wasn't.  When I thought I was sad, I was spiraling downward.  When I thought I was suicidal... well, obviously, the Easter Bunny didn't come around and cheer me up.  And when I felt great, it was few and far between.  Worse yet, when I knew I was a bit too high, I saw the damage I left behind.  Wow.

Out of everything, Risperdal was the only medication where I seemed normal, happy, content.  According to the chart (brillian idea, really) I had brief bouts of highs and lows.  He said they were always short lived... maybe a few hours max.  He said it has been a loooong time since he's seem me happy.  In truth, it has been a long while since I felt happy.  And it has been a loooong time since he's been happy with me.

Of course, I threw my concerns and what-if's out there.  What if I'm just cycling and the risperdal is too low of a dose, letting the high happen?  What if I get too out of control?  What if I take your extra spending money and buy more shelves?  What if I insist we eat out every night?  What if I break every window in the house because I hate the way you joke with me?  What if Euphoria packes her bags and leaved under cover of darkness- no warning, no note, and the silverware is missing?