I'm still here.

I didn't want to be, not in June.

Everything went wrong in June. 

I'm just getting back on my feet, and on my computer.

I've missed you guys.

So, I talk in my sleep.  I'm told the conversations get weird.  But sometime back in May I was getting past weird and into hurtful, unconventional, and out of character.  I had extra stresses, true, but I've had to deal with other things in the past and I managed to stay Weird.

And by June I was coming up with the most outrageous, nasty, hateful and UNTHINKABLE remarks and suggestions.  The stress was over; nothing should have set this off.  But there it was-loud and clear- and causing major fights with my spouse.  I couldn't believe the things he reported to me.  It disgusted me.  I don't even think you can look some of that stuff up online.  And he was beyond rage stage.  All I could do was apologize; how do you defend yourself when you don't control what happens?  I didn't know how to stop it.  I was scared.  I felt so low, I didn't want to be around anymore.  I couldn't stand to know the filth I spewed.  I was on the verge of punishing myself.  I would have loved to rip my tongue right out.  My nighttime turned into a nightmare.

This summer I slept alone most of the time.  My husband and I reluctantly agreed to keep different sleep schedules.  It didn't shut me up, but he had the chance to walk away until I woke up again.  On the whole, he was undeniably patient and tried his best to be understanding.  He's going to earn points to heaven for this.

I had a medication switch in mid August.  The risperdal was hurting too much.  I had energy and mostly positive and hopeful feelings.  I was normal; it was good.  But the pain kept getting in the way.  And the extra stress of struggling with these Evil Evening Chats were causing auditory hallucinations.  Maybe the risperdal was losing focus.  So I had a week without risperdal and I could feel the change both physically and mentally/emotionally.  My next move was a more mild form of risperdal, Invega.  It is supposed to work nearly the same, and have similar side effects, but with side effects a softer punch to the gut.  During my med change, my kids had to start new meds too.  I was stressing out over 'what ifs' and 'worst cases'.  But guess what subsided?  The talking terrors.  Not completely gone, but slowly taking a turn for the better. 

So far, Invega's expectations are ok.  The risperdal gave me more energy and focus and good feelings, or at least made me feel that way.  My hubby was happy to see me normal.  Invega is still in trial stages for me; I may ask for a higher dose.  The joint pain I had with risperdal lessened greatly when I stopped for a week, but it had returned.  Not crippling crying pain like before.  But a wince or a weak hand now and again, sometimes rubbing the pain into a dull ache.  And I don't have nearly the energy as before.  I can still feel the cycles coming and going and I don't trust myself with several issues.  Too anxious to be in public, too unfocused to drive, too much money and not enough slow down because I'm traveling at a hundred miles a minute.  I still feel uncontrolled.  Maybe an extra tab of Invega will settle my accounts.