Invega is an endangerment to me.  My apathy was a waving red flag to an already stressed bull and fights have ensued for the last two weeks.  Big scarey fights, teetering on the verge of out of control.  And I have to say it wasn't all that terrifying to me.  Just confusing.  But the fact that I should have been on the defense and taken the outbursts seriously instead of trying to find out why we were fighting and what the fights were about... well, I was there, wasn't I?  But it didn't feel like I was the center of attention.  Sort of... 'watching from the sidelines.'  Confused is definately not the cheer to shout if the other person is on the verge of crazy because you don't care anyway.  Especially when you should care.

Final straws were stepped upon.  I wanted to get off of Invega anyway but I was waiting for my pdoc appointment next week.  No go.  Invega is making me sooo exhausted.  I sleep and sleep and sleep.  Dehydration is giving me actual nightmares.  No, I tested it.  Truth.  Don't know if I can blame the medicine though.  My body temperature has stayed on the warm side.  I was too cold forever; now everyone stays toasty on my account.  I used to love the cold.  I'd freeze the household, and I'd avoid the heater if I could during winter. 

I nearly had a car accident today.  I know I was kind of spacing out.  I saw the van ahead.  He was stopped.  For whatever reason, it just wasn't registering to hit the brakes.  I got around to stopping the car.  It scared me a little that I couldn't grasp it right away.

My memory is so fragile now.  My vocabulary is still M.I.A.  I struggle to speak.  My train of thought officially has no track; it just goes where it wants.  To help myself some, I've been repeating everything I hear people tell me.  People complain but so often I'm hearing it wrong.  Or worse, I am not understanding the words.  And sex is off the menu.  I think it may be out of the kitchen entirely.  I feel numb.  Definately mentally numb.  Even a bit numb physically.  Nothing seems important.  I'm not looking forward to anything.  I haven't been on the computer in ages.  I am avoiding the phone because I can't hear and I'm just not that interested in where Bill has been the last six years.  Sitting in semi-silence long distance just made us both feel stupid.  I told him I was sick and I was getting over an ear infection.  Sounded good at the time.

So, the plan is to avoid Invega for the next week.  I will ask for the Risperdal 1mg, let that build in my system for a few weeks to register the pain, and probably switch it up to 2mgs.  My family is willing to pick up the slack if it will bring me back into focus.  Good.  I miss being happy and laughing.  My goal is to have a merry Christmas this year.  The last five or six holidays haven't been too festive.  It gets hard to make cookies while you cry.