I am sad.

Actually, I don't know if I am sad right at this minute.  Yes, I have had crying spells.  Yes, I have gotten over those spells.  No, I can't see if I am still sad.

I don't understand myself.  I like people.  I am sure I do.  But I have avoided one friend because I don't want to be involved in her drama.  A few lost friends have found me, but I have yet to respond to them... and it's been a few months.  My husband and I have guests every Wednesday.  Most of the time, I look forward to seeing them.  If we have to skip a week, I sometimes become devistated.  I get weepy and life is unfair.  My whole week is ruined.  However, especially lately, I don't feel up to entertaining.  I am lousey company.  I can't concentrate on people talking to me.  I can't "hear" them.  I get upset and angry when there is too much sound...everyone talking, plus the tv, plus the radio.  Sometimes, I drag myself out of my room and join the group late.  I don't want to share with them.  Ack.

And get this- I am sad because I feel lonely.  I have no one here to know how to fix me. (I don't want to talk about it; I just want someone to understand like ESP or something.) 

Now .. and because he was being nice ... I have a facebook page.  My hubby set it up.  He has all my friends and family, he filled in my profile stuff, he remembered not to set up a picture (he knows I am embarrassed at the Thing I have Become).  Most importantly, he is the one who checks on it and sometimes passed messages onto me.  I know how to function on facebook.  I am just avoiding letting anyone (the long-time-no-see persons) know what has happened to me.  They've experienced my manics and depressions- everyone just thought it was outrageous high school behavior.  I am proud of my kids and my husband.  But I've lost myself.  And I don't want anyone to know.  I am sad, and lonely and lost and useless and insecure and I don't want anyone to know.  I miss the old me.