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My husband has put me under contract. I have to at least make an attempt, if not make a move, everyday. He says it is to get me to remember him. He says I have been so sad for so long and I've missed out on so much personal time with him. He put it into terms for me to understand just what I have done to him. If he had done the same to me, ignore me in such a way, I would probably have left him years agon. He wants my meds changed. I am sad, or I am indifferent, or ocassionally I am in a wild mood. So, maybe it is the medicine that is acting like an anchor on the fun cruise.
On one hand, it sometimes put me in better spirits; a stress relief. On another hand, if things don't go well, we both feel stupid. On yet another hand, I resent the comments he has made in passing (he wasn't thinking that I would take them offensively). And on that other hand waaaay over there, I am wondering how well the judicial system will treat me if they ever find where I've put his body. And then there is the suicide fairy. He looks a lot like the big orange hairy monster in the Bugs Bunny cartoon. I keep thinking I'll never get better. He'll leave anyway- why put us both in this leaky love boat?
He's put up with a ton of mistreatment. I have to admire him for that. But I am really struggling with keeping composure. So many times I end up crying afterwards. Not for him. It's just I have this heavy weight in my chest, like a year's worth of emotion all bottled up and waiting for the cork to pop. When the cork comes out, I sob... loudly. The sheets could be wonderful, and I'd still bury my head in the pillow and cry out and the tears and snot and drool......it's all there. He's getting restless. But this EveryDay thing was not my idea. I'm doing it to save my marriage and to show my husband I do still love him. I've been so blinded by apathy for so long, I never saw a problem. I loved sex, and yet I didn't miss it. But I do it for him. I love him, I resent him, I miss him, but next time I'll better aim. This is so hard to do: to keep up this smiling, emotional control under stress and disappointment, to lie to him to avoid hurting his feelings. I can't be sad and sexy. I'm just.......... stuck. Bleck. Ugh. Stuck.
I for sure know how you are feeling with the relationship stuff, and I know there's no sure fire solution, but I think things can sort themselves out as time goes by. We've been married just 10 yrs. but I've been up and down, distant more than close and struggled a lot of those years even when we didn't quite know the exact diagnosis. When it was worst after the last worst BP meltdown we almost separated but did counseling, it helped I think just cause we both agreed we needed to try it and talk about stuff. Of course I found getting on the right combo of meds that would settle me right down helped tremendously simply because I'm not so resistant to the idea of closeness, but I seriously doubt he will ever get instigation out of me more than like once every 6 months! (poor guy, not that he doesn't get what he wants though, and you know how it is, its all good once things get going lol) I don't know, I often just talk with him and explain "look, I'm super tired and worn out mentally, I need to rest I'm sorry." You can't expect everyone you love to run away from you, that would make this a totally unjust world, and I guess sometimes it is but super great things always happen too. And about the spiders...haha, I know non bipolar people who have this problem...but I've had those paranoid things before and a good week of klonopin does the trick.
Good luck and feel better soon.
Thank you, Kad, for your support and thoughts. It is a relief to know I have a few life preservers out here to help me while I patch up my love boat. :)