Journal ::sex therapy or marital bust- a follow up "Too sad for sex"

My husband has put me under contract.  I have to at least make an attempt, if not make a move, everyday.  He says it is to get me to remember him.  He says I have been so sad for so long and I've missed out on so much personal time with him.  He put it into terms for me to understand just what I have done to him.  If he had done the same to me, ignore me in such a way, I would probably have left him years agon.  He wants my meds changed.  I am sad, or I am indifferent, or ocassionally I am in a wild mood.  So, maybe it is the medicine that is acting like an anchor on the fun cruise. 

On one hand, it sometimes put me in better spirits; a stress relief.  On another hand, if things don't go well, we both feel stupid.  On yet another hand, I resent the comments he has made in passing (he wasn't thinking that I would take them offensively).  And on that other hand waaaay over there, I am wondering how well the judicial system will treat me if they ever find where I've put his body.  And then there is the suicide fairy.  He looks a lot like the big orange hairy monster in the Bugs Bunny cartoon.  I keep thinking I'll never get better.  He'll leave anyway- why put us both in this leaky love boat? 

He's put up with a ton of mistreatment.  I have to admire him for that.  But I am really struggling with keeping composure.  So many times I end up crying afterwards.  Not for him.  It's just I have this heavy weight in my chest, like a year's worth of emotion all bottled up and waiting for the cork to pop.  When the cork comes out, I sob... loudly.  The sheets could be wonderful, and I'd still bury my head in the pillow and cry out and the tears and snot and drool......it's all there.  He's getting restless.  But this EveryDay thing was not my idea.  I'm doing it to save my marriage and to show my husband I do still love him.  I've been so blinded by apathy for so long, I never saw a problem.  I loved sex, and yet I didn't miss it.  But I do it for him.  I love him, I resent him, I miss him, but next time I'll better aim.  This is so hard to do: to keep up this smiling, emotional control under stress and disappointment, to lie to him to avoid hurting his feelings.  I can't be sad and sexy.  I'm just.......... stuck.  Bleck.  Ugh.  Stuck.