Journal: high in the sheets, a marital therapy update

I think I am high.  Very probable. 

Hoping to save my marriage, I have become the daily offering on the marital alter.  Not necessarily the sacrifice, just the offer.  Most days I sacrifice.  But it has been really good for me.  The last few weeks I've been trapped in the house with a sprained ankle and crutches, and ocassionally the hurt gets in the way.  Overall, things seem to be in the swing.

Aha.  There's a blip in this.

The last few weeks I have felt so cheerful and excited and relieved.  But I noticed I was flying into a rage every little while.  However, this can be explained after noting I've had to rely on everyone to do stuff for me and no one does anything right AND the children ignore me when I ask for help.  Anybody would get irritated in this situation.  But the last few days have felt a bit unbridled. 

Today I was weepy, no reason.  I am worried about being worried.  My anniversary is around the corner.  My husband mentioned it yesterday, and my heart sank.  I was going to tell him I didn't want to celebrate - the whole "things need to change or we aren't going to make it" situation.  He is so excited.  What if I'm worried and I ruin it?  What if he shows up with flowers and I throw up because I'm so upset?  And now that I see it in writing, was this the event that brought me down?

I don't want it.  It has dragged me out of a happy warm bed.  It made me cry when I was supposed to be created.  I want to spit it out, rinse my mouth, and find a peppermint.  I've been feeling soooooo wonderful, and it all fell apart today.  I want to be happy (though not so much angry) and desired and focused.  I can not tell you if my Every After Nooner has put me in a high cycle, or if I just happened to catch the game on tv.  Either way, I refuse to accept Weepy.  Go away, Weepy, not this week.  I have plans.